Struggling with an unsupportive DW/GF

rubix_76

I'm probably going to get lynched for this, but it seems to be us poor (apt term don't you think) lads that are getting it in the neck.

Re : Struggling with an unsupportive OH

C'mon lads defend yourselves !!!

So now I will add me 2p's worth.

My DW had some bad experiences with money whilst at UNI. She was on placement away from her own branch and got charged many times for being overdrawn and her VERY UN-Helpful bank didn't really help her (HSBC you should be ashamed of yourselves) so got into a financial mess. This is in addition to having very careless parents – financially speaking.

Luckily I have always been quite responsible (just made a few mistakes) with money, and so when I came on the scene I "sorted" her out. I would like to add a note here to the affect that she LET me help her. Unfortunately, some posters on here either are not allowed to help their OHs or their OHs just fail to see there is a problem.

I basically control all bills and financial stuff now. She has "her" money, but outside that, I deal with all bills. Don't get me wrong, she is much better now, but there is no temptation for her to spend money she doesn’t have. Previously she had an overdraft for “emergencies” and within a few months it was maxed out, so that was paid off, and it is now much smaller (£50, whereas it was £500).

I am by no means ‘dissin’ you Ladies, but I will be honest, it has surprised me that here on MSE it seems the Ladies are much better with money (post-light bulb moment of course) than the guys. I would have thought those retail therapy sessions would get you in a lot of strife, apparently not!

Now the money issues are much better I have been trying to instil certain “old-style” principles into DW. I am not doing very well. Little things like not running the tap while brushing teeth, putting the water in a bottle whilst running it for a hot bowl of washing up water (won’t have to for much longer – getting a dishwasher) so that water can be used for rinsing and soaking cooked on food etc.

She sees it as “a pain to do all the time” but as the saying says “if you look after the pennies … ”. I really get the impression that she thinks I am obsessive, but I am just trying to save money.

Since our DS was born (almost 6 months old) she is MUCH MUCH better when it comes to turning off lights when not in the room. (She used to say she didn’t like being in a house with all the lights off, well I didn’t get her to read in the dark !!!)

How many of you out there have this problem with OH. Does it seem like you are doing all the work and they see you as being a nag.

P.S. I will be away for 2 weeks, so I await a barrage of posts when I return, hopefully not all abusive

Rubix

Honeybee_2

Other way around in this house!

I'm the one that pushes DH to take his lunch to work instead of buying it, I sort all of the bills, I speak to his creditors when they phone up whining etc...

So, ner ner!!

rubix_76

Thanks Honeybee, that made me laugh. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Ner ner to you too

dumpy

I'm a wandering in from the OS board and I think there are a couple of reasons that women can often manage money better. (in spite of the image put forward by those footballers girlfriends)

1) My mum brought up the family on 1 income and I saw how she managed it and picked up tips.

2) I feel as a woman that my job is not as secure as a mans. I know with all the labour laws etc this shouldn't happen but I feel I could be more easily bullied out of the job I have than a bloke. Because of this I have a massive back up plan to save the situation if I need to, the bills can be paid easily for a few months. Because I don't feel secure in my job, I live within my income. My OH has a job in which he is in demand, he however lives beyond his means.... His attittude, if I want it I have it, work will always be available...

Just my thoughts...

Right I'm back to the OS board to put on my apron and make bread!

lynzpower

I dont tihnk its a gender thing, I think its who finds MSE first

lynsayjane

i can't really speak as regards it being a gender thing, but my ex-bf was worse than me with money. he didn't have any credit cards etc, but he also didn't have a mortgage or bills. he earned twice as much as me, about 500 a week, gave me 50 a week for board, and yet guarenteed at the end of the week he'd be skint and i'd be ok. if he'd set his mind to it he could have bought a nice house and good car, yet when i met him he lived in his mums spare room and drove his works transit van.

i admit i was often driven mad by this thinking about how much better use i could make of his money to make a more comfortable existence for us both.

rubix_76

Dumpy,

In some ways I agree with your first point, but my OH gives the excuse that as her parents were poor with money, she has leanrt to be like them.

I however go the other way and say, if you want money, even if your upbringing was poor with regards to money, I would try my hardest to be better and save etc (because it is in my nature).

My sister had the same upbringing as me, yet where I was always saving as a kid, she had the philosophy that if I want it now, I will have it (bringing on the credit ....)

So I think you have to be the right sort of person, and WANT to save money. If you either don't care, or want it NOW, MSE principles will have no effect on you.

In this case "Nature Vs Nurture", I think Nature wins hands down.

Honeybee_2

I think that my moneysaving has stemmed from being dumped on from a great height in 2 previous relationships, leaving me to pick up the pieces. (and aquire the CCJs :mad: )

Although that's behind me and I'm happily married, I feel like I need to keep things under control so if anything does happen, I'm not left in the doodoo again. I have a little stash of savings and I make sure that as soon as the wages are in the bank, the bills are all paid and that there's no arrears on anything. I'm also starting a stakeholder pension for myself in the new year as I can't work for the forseeable future due to childcare commitments.

My gosh, I'm a barrell of laughs today, aren't I?! :rotfl:

dumpy

Rubix

I agree that it's down to you and just you but what I think I'm saying is that by watching my mum she gave me the skills to save money. Home cooked food, cheap cuts of meat, looking for bargins, making a list, only ever buying something if I had the money on the bank and if not save for it.

You can learn these things and develop the MSE way but it's been easier for me as I grew up that way. Does that make sense? I also think the link between mums and daughters is different to the one between mums and sons especially in the age group bracket that I am in.

I work full time and have a part time job as well. My OH works part time and yet my mum expects me to cook him an evening meal. I think it's a mind set that women should cook and manage. Before everyone jumps on me can I say that he does cook and I like cooking so I don't mind doing it on my nights. He also brings me a cup of tea in bed everyday for which I would do just about anything as I'm dreadful before I've had my morning cuppa.

Going back to money saving I'm sooooo good at that "HOW MUCH" tone of voice. OH says I embarrass him in shops! However it does get them out of there before he spends!