Gift Idea and Honest Opinions Needed xxx

Littlemadam83

Hi guys,

I hope all your wedding planning is going well! Your advice on here was invaluable and really miss asking for help on bits!

I have two things, and need opinions really so here goes.

Mini Vent
Three weeks before our wedding my hubbys brother and girlfriend announced their engagement. Two weeks before our wedding they threw a party (2/3 hours drive from us) and with my dress not fitting and all the final bits to sort we didnt go. It really felt like they had peed on our time, and our excitement about the wedding as the attention shifted over to them. We got back from honeymoon and before we could show inlaws the photos they had booked the venue and sent out save the date cards. I just feel if that was my brother I would have left him to enjoy his day and the run up and been a total part of helping him get to it and make it the best day of his life! I just feel really hurt, OH felt hurt as he has always been second best in his parents eyes (it is so sad sometimes).

Am I so selfish and pathetic for feeling like this? I just wanted for once to be all happy and the person that was getting married and not be overshadowed. Honest opinions appreciated, even if I do get a slap round the face!!

Present Idea
From them we got a huge amount of money (we requested help towards a mortgage) at £400. Now we never expected that and havent cashed the cheque yet due to only just settling back into normality. We cannot however afford to use his £400 for our deposit and then give it back for their wedding, I just do not see the point in cashing the cheque if that is what is expected as we do not earn as much as they do.

My colleague came up with a good idea, and that is to instead of give the same present back with same monetary value to give them something that takes alot of thought and effort. ie perks for their honeymoon, or pay for the cake (with their input not mine as it's their day) or even a weekend away. Do you think this is a nice idea? Can you think of something else where we can do something? £200 max I'd say would be stretching our budget.

I would really appreciate all your comments,

Thank you

xxx

bubbles0169

oh goodness you have got a dilemma re the present!
that is huge amounts of money to me and if it was my siblings i could only afford to give £50 at most!
could you say to BIL that youve just finished going through the wedding presents and how you love the gesture just dont feel right in accepting that huge amount of money when you cant reciprocate anywhere near the same amount, 'can you take it back and give less?'
i know its really hard talking money issues(i find it hard but i do wonder why?!) but i think thats the only way youll be able to move onto their present and the idea of it

re the 'stealing your thunder' i do think it was unthoughtful of them but its happened now and theres nothing you can do about it so youll just have to move on x

Littlemadam83

Thanks Bubbles, that is a really good idea. I am not shy talking about money, so think that is the best foot forward, am soooo glad we havent cashed the cheques now! If we broach the subject saying it is too much as you said then see where the conversation goes regarding their present.

As for me being annoyed, it is a good point, I shouldnt just sit there and stew hey as yes there is nothing that will change it xxx

minerva_windsong

Are your husband's brother and his fiancee aware that you can't afford to spend that much on them? Are they the type of people who would give you that kind of present out of their own generosity or because they expect to get the equivalent back?

If they are genuinely giving you the money because they want to give you that much, without expecting any 'payback', then I would be very grateful and accept it. If not I like your colleague's idea of contributing to treats on the honeymoon or paying for/towards the cake - I'm not sure I'd say 'can you take it back because we can't afford to give you that much', to me it looks a bit like you're rejecting their present. But that is just my opinion and feel free to differ.

redding

Hi littlemadam, are your hubby's brother & OH well off? If they are in quite well paying jobs they are giving you what they can realistically afford and are happy to do it. They don't even seem to have picked up on the fact their announcing their engagement rubbed you up the wrong way a little.

I'm sure they didn't do it out of spite, it's unfortunate tha your OH is seen as second choice but that's maybe some underlying family issue that the parents themselves never picked up on. For example, my baby brother is the shinging apple of my parents' eyes, it doesn't meant hey don't love me and my sister any less, just that he's a bit of a novelty being a boy/the youngest/the only one in the family not to look like a member of the Corrs...:p

I would keep £200 and spend £200 on their present, towards honeymoon or cake as others have suggested.

Hope you're enjoying married life

Littlemadam83

I'm not sure Minerva in regards to your first question. They are a very money orientated family, so I can see that maybe someone might pipe up we werent as generous and they did it for us kind of thing.

Will speak to hubby again tonight to see what he thinks about the reciprocation part.

Thank you xxx

Littlemadam83

Thanks Redding, he is in a well paid job and they are having a massive wedding (over £70 per head!) so he must be able to afford stuff. Maybe it's just me, but it is so pointless receiving money to just give it back within a year! I like your £200 split idea, will certainly have that as an option.

As for the favouritism bit, I see what you are saying about the novelty part etc etc. This seems so deep routed though, BIL's fiance has mentioned it to me, OH has always said he was the black sheep and even BIL has admitted it when hubby has felt so crap. Like when we all went for the suit fitting, OH tried his suit on, then BIL did, and the mother was cooing all over him taking photos and saying dont you look amazing blah blah. I said, it would be nice to have hubby in the pic, to which there was an upturned nose and "its too late now" as he had taken off his waistcoat! I didnt even realise she had a camera with her!!!!

Sorry rant over xxx

greenmoneysaver_2

Blooming 'eck, you think it will all be over once you have said "I do".

I really feel for you, and like the suggestion of keep £200 and spend £200.

As for the black sheep thing, I am dreading that on my day. My brother will always be the prodigal son and nothing I can do will ever be as good (although have better degree, more expensive property etc etc). There is also that on OH side, and your MIL sounds like mine - camera everywhere - that she wants (i.e. little sis and no-one else).

If BIL and b2b acknowledge it then maybe discuss it with them and see what they think?? It can always be kept private (I chortle as I type this as I know that is virtually imposs with in laws like this!).

Keep strong, they may not realise it has affected you. We got engaged in Feb and get married in 2 weeks, and SIL had her first child 3 months ago, so she may think we have stolen her thunder? But with any size of family there will always be clashes if you are similar ages.