childcare for 11 yr olds and up?

merlin1

hello all!

i haven!t posted on MSE for a long time, but i have remained an avid reader, and now it seems it's my turn to ask for some advice on a situation i find myself in.

my partner of 3yrs and i split back in feb/march this year. we were living together, with my 11 yr old son. it wasnt a nasty break at all, we still speak now n then!

i now find myself in a dilemma both emotionally and practically. when my son was born i made a promise to myself that he would never be left to his own devices when he got older, so when he started school i worked hard and became self employed, working from home, so i've always been there for him during school hols etc. when me and my partner got together 3 years ago we decided to combine our businesses and get a proper workshop etc. times were tough due to the workshop rent and bills on top of what we already pay out at home so i started to look for work to help us through and found a job. it was only meant to be temporary but my partner then realised he quite liked the idea of a regular income also, and also found work. i was a little dissappointed but could understand i guess. i stayed in my job and i found my son childcare for school hol's and before and after work. (i worked long hours)

fast forward to now and i'm single again. i have managed to cut my hours to 30 a week, so i'm there for him before and after school but he goes to childcare during school hols. thing is though this childcare place only takes them until they start secondary.:( he starts that in september. so i have been looking around for somewhere else. the council sent through a list of providers for the older children, and there's 2 he can go to, but on calling them it seems the other children they care for are very young - no-one else in his age group.

i have no family near by, and my friends also work fulltime and or night shifts. i could possibly try self employment again, but reducing my hours has seen me take a cut of 6000 a year, self employment might prove even worse. but at least i'll have peace of mind that he's ok. i just don't know what to do for the best!

what do you all do with your older children/teens? how do you balance it all? i've always worked hard for me and my son but sometimes i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle.

my post has rambled a bit sorry i was only meant to ask the question, but i'm tired and emotional
i look forward to reading your inputs

kind regards
merlin x

whitewing

Have you space for a (male) au pair? You would have to see about the hours though as they won't necessarily be fulltime. You may also lose your single person council tax status.

I had au pairs as a single parent when my son was between the ages of 5 and 8. It wasn't always easy but it has enriched my son's life no end. In fact my son is fab at sport now and he wouldn't have got that from me! It can be hard going to work when they are planning a trip to the park.

HalfPint

Hi Merlin,

I can understand your dilemma...I had to work FT for 2 weeks while my boss was on hols and the kids hated it...they like me being at home for them after school.

I'll stick my neck out here but my 11 yo often stays at home on her own for short periods of time (about an hour or so) is this an option for part of the time?

What about his friends parents...would any of them be willing to have him over for tea once a week?

Can you minimise the impact by the way you arrange your working hours, i.e. by doing most hours when he's at school?

What about your ex....after all he should shoulder some of the responsibility for childcare, is he able to organise is hours to take him a couple of evenings a week?

I sympathise completely, I have 4 kids and we both work. I'm lucky that I work for an exceptionally understanding boss who allows me to bring one or two of the kids in if I have to occasionally (I don't abuse that though) and a very good childminder for my lo. my oldest 2 are responsible and trustworthy so I have no problem leaving them on their own (though they are often out with friends)

Hopefully, I've chucked some ideas in the pot for you and best of luck getting it sorted...not all solutions are ideal but sometimes you have to make the best of it.

HP x

merlin1

thank you both for your input! sometimes it feels like i'm the only one with this issue! i try to talk to friends but they all have their own local retired parents to call on, or their kids have grown up.

whitewing, thanks for your suggestion, unfortunately the only space for a male au pair is in my double bed! although it sounds a lovely idea i think it might be a bit erm awkward lol! we are in a 2 up 2 down, but i am thinking of possibly advertising for help? thing is whoever has to be registered.

halfpint thankyou!
i myself have no worries about ds staying alone for a short period, we live in a very sleepy village in a cul-de-sac of 30 houses, i moved here while pregnant so everyone knows my son, he's very lucky to have been able to go out and play with other children right from the very start! this might have had an adverse effect in that he isnt very street wise, but he's very lucky nonetheless! he will get a wake up when he starts secondary thats for sure as it is in a very busy town.

it isnt the before/afterschool thing i'm worried about as my hours right now fit that very well, it's the 7 and a half hours a day during school hols?

my ex isnt his biological father, i havent seen him since i was about 14 wks pregnant, he 'changed his mind', so i said fair enough but i'm keeping the baby, he went down as father unknown and i never asked for a penny or a minute of his time.

this is the thing that hurts the most - i am very proud of the way i have been able to provide and support my son. i am very proud of him, he is very a kind well rounded lad, always laughing and smiling. i am worried if i make the wrong choice now, or am unable to do the right thing this will change dont get me wrong he isnt wrapped in cotton wool by any means and he's no perfect angel, but i need to keep things as stable as poss - he'll be a teen before i know it:)

what a mess eh!

(JUST ETA - the frustrating thing is i also know this is a temporary issue, he's not going to stay 11 forever, so any decisions i make now, have to also work when he's grown older? lol! confoosed, yep, i am! hehe!)

Oldernotwiser

How many weeks annual leave do you have and how much of it can you take in school holidays? Would your son enjoy (and could you afford) for him to go away for a week or 2 with PGL or similar?

Intergalactic_Floozie

Gosh, so sorry for you being in that position, makes me realise how lucky I am to have flexible working hours, and brilliant family.

What about playschemes? They are usually run at community centres. DS1 used to go to one when he was that age?

We have something 'oop north called "Kings Camps", which is a sports camp, is there anything similar. It's quite dear, but I guess only as dear as paying a child minder?

Similarly our local professional footy club have a football in the community programme where they go to local sports centres, and spend a week at each one. The one they did up here was 9-3 though, so if you're working it'd probably be awkward for you to get him there and pick him up.

Does he have any friends at school who have a SAHM? I'm thinking maybe they'd like to earn some extra money in the school holidays, and they would be at home with their children anyway? Of course, it wouldn't be registered and I don't know what legal implications there would be, or if you would be comfortable.

Would your ex-husband consider having him? Or ex-husband's parents?

Is there any possibility between now and the summer holidays of you working extra hours at work, in return for flexibility during the summer?

Spendless

What about you son's Dad (I'm assumming you are female)? Is he able to help out. Holiday playschemes run by football clubs and sports centres run here until a child's 14th birthday. Other than that you say you have friends with older kids- any got any students home from Uni or school leavers that haven't found a job yet that want to earn some money?

pretzelnut

Stop feeling so guilty. We all make promises to ourselves about our children and then our situations change. Meaning we cant keep them, as parents we put ourselves under so much extra pressure. We all try to do the best for our children.

Have you asked your son what he wants? He might be perfectly happy still going to a childminder. Although you might want to find a better name than childminder as most 10+ years olds will answer with i dont need a child minder im not a child. Remember to take him along to any meetings that you have with them, its your son who might be going there so its important that he gets along with them too.

I used to be a childminder and i looked after mainly small children under the age of 5 full time but i had a few kids at older ages 10-12 that i had with me before and after school and during the holidays. They loved it, as the older kids were only children they loved having smaller kids around. They loved that they could teach the children things and help them out when playing games. They loved helping me cook meals, bake cakes etc as they learnt far more with me than they did in cooking class at school and we regualry went on trips out that were suitable for all the ages. They preffered being with me than being at home on their own. I helped them with their homework, so that their parents could concentrate on spending time with their kids when they got home. Plus its great for there social skills as they meet a far broder range of people on a day to day basis, if your child is always at home with only you to talk to its very limiting.

As you say its not going to be forever and you have to do what you have to do. Your son is at an age where he should fully under stand that money doesnt grow on trees and its either a nice life cos mum works and can pay the bills and afford treats, or a budgeted one because mums wage has been cut massively and treats will be hard to come by. Your not always at work, you will have days off where you can spend quality time with your son. Plus a childminder is 1 more person in your sons life who can have a positive impact on it.

Plus at secondary school their are after school activities like sports, arts, music, drama etc. You may find that your son might become heavily involved in these, so you quitting work to stay at home will be wasted cos your son might be making the most of these extra activities. He'll also make some great friends and you might find that he will want to go round to their houses after school, with the other parents consent of course. You might find that their is another parent in your position whos child is friends with your son and you could come to a mutual agreement where you both take it in turns to look after the kids. Theres loads of possibilities.

Id start of by sending him to the childminder, you can always change your mind if you think its not working. Dont just go and quit your job now as you wont be able to get it back if you find out that you need not have done it because your son copes perfectly well.

Only quit your job and become self employed and take a massive wage cut once you realise the childminder option isnt working and youve fully explored other posibilities.

Your son also needs to learn that he will at some point in his life have to stand on his own 2 feet, you being there 24/7 will not help him in the long run.

Or do what i did, i was struggling for childcare, so i became a childminder myself. Killling 2 birds with 1 stone.

I suspect theres also a bit of additional guilt there that you and your partner have split up and your trying to over compensate in other ways. I did this a lot when i split with my DS dad. Your son has already had 1 massive change in his life, going to secondary school is a very daunting 2nd change, so you upheaving and changing everything again might not be a good thing. I dont think your son will have any problem with continuing to go to a childminder, the things that he will want youaround for are any achievements he has at school, like parents eveing, shows, if he's good at drama. Footy matches, ifs hes a sprots kid ect ect. He will remember you being there for those, he wont really remember that you werent there every night after school. I never remebered my mum not being at home, because i understood that she had to work to pay the bills, and that was back in the day where it was perfectly acceptable for an 11 yearold to look after herself for full days. but she also never attended anything i did at school where she could show her support, and that has always stuck with me, mainly because she wasnt working on a night when these things took place it was more a case of she couldnt be bothered.

I dont life your life though and I can only go on my own experiences.

Talk to your son, be honest and discuss the different scenarios / situations between yourself.

HalfPint

Hi again,

Holidays are a nightmare and believe me, you are deffo not alone in having childcare problems during hols.

I agree that there isn't much care around for 11 yo plus, our local school club only caters up to age 10. Have you checked around the local churches?

One of our church groups run a club for the 1st week of the school hol again they only take up to yr 6 BUT older kids can go and help for the day, it doesn't cost a penny so its free childcare for a week (the kids have great fun too) and it's one less week you have to worry about!

Check with the local childminders too, you may find one or two will have a couple of older children during the holidays which may help your son and even if they don't they may be able to help with someone who can. They are also a wealth of information for whats around for kids. My childminder has started a babysitting swap club...its a great idea and is working already, whilst it doesn't solve full day childcare issues, you might find a parent who would be willing to help you, in return for some babysitting from you?

If push comes to shove...do you have any parents or friend whom you could put up with in your home for a week (mine do this for me when I'm stuck as like you all my relatives and close friends are a fair distance away the closest being 190 miles away!)

If you lived close to me, I'd even be willing to help out in return for the same.

It won't be this difficult forever...before long he'll be spending more time at his mates house than at home (then you'll feel like a hotel and taxi service :rotfl:)

HP x

Spendless

I've just re-read your post as I thought you were worrying about your child in this soon coming summer hols. You are talking about school hols next year when he is in Secondary school. Depending on how your annual leave runs I would use less in this school summer hols so you can use it up to cover for the first lot of hols when he is in yr 7. eg if your AL runs Jan-Dec save some hols for Oct half term and Dec rather than using them up this summer when your DS can use his current childcare, or if they run April-March save as much as you can to cover Oct, xmas, feb 1/2 term.


Also though my eldest hasn't got there yet- I have had parents tell me how much theirs change in y 7, so what might look now too scary a prospect of leaving your DS for a few hours - may not be in a years time, when they ahve got used to catching public transport too and from school, made a wider circle of friends and arranged spending time with them etc during the hols. When does his birthday fall by the way?

freebiequennie

You could always find a college or university student for childcare during the school holidays obv they would need to have some experience of babysitting etc but as your son is that little bit older I dont think you need to worry about a highly qualified and experienced nanny.

Other options are holiday clubs I know a friend of mine uses grandparents (they stay for a week), sends the children to an outdoor pursuit centre for 2wks, a holiday club for a week and take off 2 weeks herself - this is summer sorted they are now 10yrs and 12yrs and has done this for last couple years.