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OH, Debt and Depression (Long)

I have a problem that began some time ago, when my husband fell ill with depression. He'd had a reasonably well-paid job, which he left for a lower paid one with less responsibility after the first company was bought out and he didn't get on with the new management. While earning the higher wage, he'd taken out two large loans without my knowledge, and had frittered all of the borrowed money away. After taking on the lower paid job (with a company he'd worked for before and had always had a fairly good relationship with), it became clear that he no longer got on with *anyone*, virtually everyone was perceived as some kind of enemy, and with his social skills shot to pieces, he was signed off work with depression.

We then lived on SSP of £79 per week plus £29 or so each week in Child Benefit (there are four of us here most of the time, OH and me, plus two daughters aged 3 and 13. I also have two teenage sons who live with their father, but stay with us once a fortnight). I was too scared to put in a claim for Tax Credits of any kind as we'd been told the previous year that we'd been overpaid by something like £3,000. I couldn't afford to pay it back when they wrote to us, and had even less chance with OH not working. Since the Tax Credits people seemed to have forgotten all about this, I was reluctant to do anything that might remind them. By the time my husband returned to work four months later, we'd missed several payments on the mortgage (£750per month), we were behind with the council tax and most of the utilities, and I'd been made aware of those loans, which now had huge payments outstanding.

I made payment arrangements with everyone (the mortgage company agreed to one, but told me they'd be taking it to court anyway) and since my husband would not speak to his own creditors on the phone, wrote letters which he signed, enclosing a SOA and a token cheque payment to each of them. I discovered eBay, sold enough stuff from around the house to buy a little stock, and opened an eBay shop. I'd happily have gone out to work myself when my husband was ill, but could not leave the kids at home with someone who was too frightened to answer the door or the phone to anyone, or even take the three year-old to pre-school and face her teachers. When I went to court in January (my husband wouldn't go), the building society were granted a suspended possession order and we were to pay them £800 per month. With everything else we owed, things were going to be difficult, but not impossible, provided my husband stayed on track.

Less than a month later, he was off sick with depression again. A fortnight after this, he got himself another job which lasted three weeks before the depression bit once more - this time he went on incapacity benefit and I claimed tax credits. I couldn't fight this any more, there was no way the building society were going to see £800 a month out of us in these circumstances, and the house went on the market. To say I was heart-broken was an understatement, and looking back I can see I've made mistakes along the way as I desperately tried to handle everything, but all this has happened and there's no going back and changing it. I have to sort out the present situation now and look to the future. I'm fairly confident we might even have one as I discovered MSE just before the house was sold - oh, how I wish I'd found it much sooner :)

The sale of the house paid off our debt to the mortgage company, as well as one of the large loans, around £8,000, to Black Horse, who by this time had a charge on the property. There was no way we could survive a credit check by the letting agency, so we paid them six months rent in advance from the proceeds of the sale of the house. I've paid up the council tax debt and any debts that remained to the utility companies. All that are left are the debts my husband owes in his own name, and that is where my problem currently lies.

His debts now are

Barclayloan - £8,770.37
Barclays Bank (Overdraft) - £883.49
Barclaycard - £814.42
Vodafone - £134.00

My maths is never something to be relied upon (far from it!), but I make the total to be £10,602.28. We have £8,500 left from the sale of the house in a bank account in my name (he doesn't have a bank account other than the Barclays one), and while this sum isn't enough to pay them all off, I'd have thought it sufficient to offer them Full and Final settlement payments. So that is what I did, writing the letters and getting OH to sign them, and almost a month later have heard nothing from any of them. One of my worries now is whether I'm actually writing to the wrong people. Most of these debts would seem to have been passed to collection agencies at some point, and some back again to the original owner, but my OH has destroyed so many letters in past months in some kind of bid to evade 'the enemy' that I can't even be sure that I know who the actual creditors are any more. I'd have paid Vodafone off in full at the first opportunity so that I could concentrate on the rest, but wrote to them offering Full and Final settlement simply because a response would at least mean I was paying the right company (by my warped reasoning, anyway :))

I have to sort this out soon, and I have to sort it out myself before it gets any bigger. My OH won't talk to any of his creditors on the phone, and spends much of his days sat on the sofa under a quilt, staring at the TV and seldom speaking to any of us (the atmosphere here is pretty miserable most of the time), although he takes so much medication now it's a wonder he doesn't rattle. The debt does play heavily on his mind though, and I feel sure his mental health would improve dramatically once the debt is gone. This can't be doing my girls any good either - they both deserve so much better. I think they'll get it too, but with brighter times for this family possibly in sight, I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed after all that's gone before and have no idea what my next move should be.

:confused:
Eek! Someone's stolen my signature! :eek:

Comments

  • Molanole
    Molanole Posts: 1,563 Forumite
    Debt-free and Proud!
    Oh, hun. I'm not much use on the advice giving but I really really feel for you and wanted to send a massive (((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))) while you're waiting for someone to come along who can give you some proper advice.

    Hang in there hun. I really admire your strength in handling all this by yourself.

    Mola xx
    Debt Free Nerd No. 89, LBM: April 2006, Debt at highest (Sept 05): £40,939.96
    NOW TOTALLY DEBT FREE!!!!!!!! Woooo hooooooo!!! DEBT FREE DATE: 23 December 2009
  • Pounds and pensive - (((((( hugs)))))) I am so sorry to read of your situation but you are obviously a very strong woman to have coped with this pretty much on your own. Well done.

    The only thing I can suggest is that maybe you call Barclays to establish who you should be writing to regarding three of the four outstanding debts. They are bound to have records for these debts and should be able to provide you with a contact address.

    Sorry I can't offer anything more constructive. You are coping amazingly well. Keep your chin up.
    "Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
    - Proverb
  • Smashing
    Smashing Posts: 1,799 Forumite
    What kind of help is your husband currently receiving? It really sounds as though he could benefit from some kind of routine - as a long-time sufferer of depression, I know the worst thing to do is to sit and wallow. He needs to be taking small steps towards re-joining the 'real world' - these things aren't going to go away, no matter how much he ignores them, but feeling better within himself would enable him to get on the road to recovery (or at least managing his depression rather than suffering from) and empower him to take control of his situation.
  • justruth
    justruth Posts: 770 Forumite
    Have you tried getting your husband to write to the banks asking them to let you deal with his accounts as he is unwell. It was a couple of years ago but when one of my better friends had a breakdown (just before declaring herself bankrupt) she was sectioned, and one of her other friends who at that time was better than any of us with money was able to deal with creditors this way.

    Depression is a horrible and often misunderstood illness, and you don't need debt hanging over you all too!

    Alternatively arrange for the post to be held at the post office, I believe it costs a little, but if it makes the situation worse to have that arrive every day, then you can pick it up and deal with it when it's convenient to you and your OH won't destroy letters.
    Debt £5600 all 0%
  • msmicawber
    msmicawber Posts: 1,962 Forumite
    Debt-free and Proud!
    Good lord, what a harrowing time you've had. I'm so amazed at your stoicism.

    Someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think if you sign up for the free credit reports with Experian and Equifax (then cancel them the next month, of course), you will be able to see who currently 'owns' your remaining debts.

    Very best wishes.
    Debt at highest: £6,290.72 (14.2.1999)
    Debt free success date: 14.8.2006 :j
  • headcase
    headcase Posts: 86 Forumite
    i was depressed for many years and had breakdown last year. You need your O/H to get going again. I mean getting him to do little things/ jobs each day and also excercise too- This made feel great and helped with the other things I needed to do. I went to the doctors and they give anti depessents and had councilling. Thats it. and like everything it is down to you. I had to get myself sorted bit by bit. My O/H couldnot cope with it. We had loads of debts to service. If he can not cope with it at present do it yourself - your way. Then get him to start to deal with the issues - slowly- whilst getting him excerising and getting those little jobs done daily. Thats a must. This will boost confidence etc... then that will help to get a job/ interviews etc... I my case I had to be firm with myself as I did what I recommend to you - it made me feel great, less depressed, lose wieght. Once stoped it stopped. So can see you need to get going. Its the only way. Hope it helps
  • Thanks for the hugs, and apologies for not having showered yet today - I'd have made more of an effort if I'd known people were going to come so close :) I'm not a hugely strong person really, but I'm not entirely without support either as my mum lives close by. She can't help financially (and I don't think I'd want her to), but we share the same daft sense of humour, which helps enormously. The conversation regarding full and final settlement versus the 'benefits' of using available funds to hire a cut-price hitman to eliminate bailiffs and doorstep collectors was a particularly priceless one :)

    I've seen my own credit reports, and the only 'black mark' on them is the fact that we're not yet registered on the electoral roll here, and probably my association with my husband. His are going to make much bleaker reading, but that would seem to be where I'll find the answers I'm looking for. Failing that, I'll write to Barclays. Feeling slightly silly at having to ask who the money is owed to is minor in the scheme of things :)

    My OH sees the doctor every three weeks, and each time comes back with more pills. He's been offered counselling, but refused. I think he'd benefit from it because he can remember nothing of his childhood prior to the age of eight. His parents divorced around this time, so it seems to me that there's a huge mental block going on there. It's his decision at the end of the day though. I'm wholeheartedly in agreement with the suggestion that he needs routine - my daughter's pre-school is a bit further away from us since we moved, so after some persuasion from me we'd both go in the car to drop her off and collect her (I'm a non-driver) and after two weeks of this he already seemed a lot better. Then the summer holidays started, any routine in this house went out of the window, and the 'semi-coma on the sofa' phase bit in earnest. I'm hoping things will pick up again when the kids go back to school and OH feels he has some kind of daily purpose in which he's actually needed outside of the house again.

    Thanks for all the replies :)
    Eek! Someone's stolen my signature! :eek:
  • Biffa
    Biffa Posts: 321 Forumite
    (((((((((())))))))))))) huge hugs to you!

    My OH also suffers from depression, and like justruth says, it's a horrible misunderstood illness. My OH also has ME, but I've found that leaving him a small list of jobs to do around the house can help get him going again. It's normally simple stuff like opening the curtains in the living room, otherwise he'd sit in the dark all day. In time, maybe he'll progress to opening the front door and looking at the world go by for a few minutes, but he's not up to it yet.

    Like the others have said, try and get him some counselling at your local GP's surgery, although having said that there's normally a 6 week waiting time and then appointments are monthly for half an hour at a time. Not a huge amount of help, but it might just get things moving for you.

    Other than that, I can't really help with the debt, being a recently discharged bankruptee, so I'll leave it to the very helpful bunch on here to give words of wisdom on that one.

    Good luck though! Things can only get better for you.
    BCSC # 9 and proud! :beer:
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