csa question!

stephief

Hi everyone.

Apologies if this has been asked before, but this is all new to me!

My ex husband and I have 2 children together, aged 7 and 8. He is remarried and both he and his wife work full time and have no children. He has never paid anything for them, and I have put up with this for years, but a few weeks ago my daughter asked him why he didnt pay anything for them and he got violent so I have stopped his contact (not a decision to be taken lightly, but it wasnt the first time, and social services agree with me!) I have since contacted the csa to try to get some support out of him, but he has made it quite clear to me that he would sooner quit work than give me a penny for the kids.

If he was to give up work, and let his wife support him, would her wages be considered for supporting his children? He wont be entitled to any benefits as she earns too much.

DaisyChainMaker

hiya .. I'm sorry to hear that your ex got violent with your children and now you have to stop them seeing him. What a horrible experience for them. Big huggles for you and then at this time. If your husband quits his job then his wife would not have to pay towards his children.Assessments are made purely on his income. Why are you deciding now to pursue the CSA? Make sure it is something you really want to do for the benefit of the children, and not done in anger at his being violent. If you do decide to open a case with the CSA and your husband does give up work, he would still be expected to pay a minimum £5 a week towards his children.

I wish you luck and hope that things calm down for you and the children so they can continue a relationship with their father. Maybe someone could help you with supervised access ? xx

kelloggs36

Sadly some people resort to violence as they are bullies, and this is the way they get what they want- through fear.

missmontana

He may well say he'll give up work, but actually doing it is another matter. His wife might have something to say about that, She might not want to support him!

woody01

missmontana wrote: »

He may well say he'll give up work, but actually doing it is another matter. His wife might have something to say about that, She might not want to support him!

Maybe not.
But i doubt she would want to support a different family either.

Blackpool_Saver

Even my ex started to pay a small amount when he married wife number 3, she was not having any of his nonsense and made him go to work !!

stephief

Hi,

Thanks for all your replies.
Sadly he has always been a bit of a bully, throughout our marriage we spent more time in and out of womens aid shelters than living at home with him. When we did separate, initially he didnt see the children (social services put them on the at risk register) but as things calmed down I deicided the kids deserved to have some kind of a relationship with their dad so we arranged contact, supervised by friends and family members, and then, when it felt safe, by me. To the kids it was just mum and dad taking them out for a couple of hours a week. But, after 6 years of this, he had that outburst (there has been a couple of minor incidents inbetween) and we have just had to call time on it now. I hate having to do it, the kids are devastated, but he clearly hasnt changed so I dont know what else to do. I never pursued support before largely because I didnt want to do anything to jeopardise him seeing the kids, and I knew his attitude to money would send him into a temper. Him seeing them was always more important to me than money, for the kids sake. But now that cant happen I figure I have nothing to lose! We are not rich people, some help with the kids to pay for the things they want to do would be a real help!
I would like to think his new wife wont let him quit work, but I also know she has been at the recieving end of his violent temper so not sure she will have much say anyway. I jusrt

clearingout

I am sorry to hear what you are going through stephief. Some parents just don't seem to realise when they're on to a good thing with their ex and the access they get to their children.

I was just wanting to pick up the bit about your children knowing that the ex doesn't pay anything towards them. Is this something that is openly discussed at home? I am asking generally to anyone on the boards. My children are young and really don't understand money at this time and I am working hard at lip biting and not saying anything about their father's lack of financial contribution to their lives. At what age does it become acceptable to talk about this? Is it ever acceptable? I am struggling with how to approach this as the children grow - our eldest is now 6 and realising that he isn't able to do what his friends are able to do as I can't find the money for it (football, swimming, bowling....). Questions are about to be asked, I feel. How do I handle it?!

And lol at blackpoolsaver - I am about to become your neighbhour after being away from the area for 20 years so I'll look out for you!

PlayingHardball

Steph, just typed a response but lost it somehow! I think you should NOT allow a bully to dictate what is best for your children. You know they need financial help, he should have been paying years ago (or whenever you separated) How dare he leave that to you!! (I speak from experience as that is exactly what my daughters father is doing right now, and it makes my blood boil) I'm fighting it though, and will do until he is forced into supporting her. My ex is a bully too, but not the type with fists, the type that thinks that he can dominate other people and call all the shots. I took it for years, I don't have to anymore.

Clearingout, I feel for you! Personally, I don't think it is ever appropriate to talk to kids about child support and money. They don't really need to worry about that.

I used to bite my tongue, many a time! My ex hasn't supported DD for a couple of years. I did tell her when he stopped paying, as I was forced into a really bad financial situation as a result and couldn't really hide it from her.

Its a tough question for you, whether to say anything to your younger children or not. I think I would try not to, but its hard to know. I think each situation is different, and it would depend on the need to tell them. It gets hard to explain why you are always not able to afford a few nice things in life.

gairlochgal

clearingout wrote: »

My children are young and really don't understand money at this time and I am working hard at lip biting and not saying anything about their father's lack of financial contribution to their lives. At what age does it become acceptable to talk about this? Is it ever acceptable? I am struggling with how to approach this as the children grow - our eldest is now 6 and realising that he isn't able to do what his friends are able to do as I can't find the money for it (football, swimming, bowling....). Questions are about to be asked, I feel. How do I handle it?!

My view is that you don't tell the kids about this at all. They don't need the question of financial support added into their already complicated feelings about having parents who are apart. My children are 9 and 12 and currently going through a very painful decision about whether they want to be in touch with their dad (initiated by them) and I'm relieved not to have money on the very long list of things that trouble them.

Are there cheaper opportunities available through school?

stephlou

Claim through CSA. He might give his job up if he and his new partner are that determined to not pay you for his children however he and his new partner will lose out if he gives up his job far more than if they pay CSA. You and the children have nothing to lose by claiming and far more to lose by not claiming.Good luck!!