New contact question

NewLifeAhead_2

Hi, my daughter has been having regular contact with her dad now for about 9 months,every other weekend.
He has a girlfriend of about a year who he lives with and her 2 kids (not his).
Anyway a few months ago hes got a job and has kept it steady,he works mostly nights.
Last time that he had her my daughter told me he wasnt there he was in work, so his g/f had looked after her.
Now im not jealous or a raging possesive, but i cant really see the point in her going over there if he's not there? Am i wrong for thinking this? We dont get on very well and all this has been sorted through courts.I know i can bring it up next court date but my solicitor says the problem is proving it - he can simply say he gets the time off when shes there.
I do worry about this, i dont know this girl well and neither does my daughter, and although im sure my lo has a great time with her children of similar age, i feel a little uncomfortable that shes going to her dads to spend quality time with his g/f.
Please dont shout at me i just dont think its right and wondered if theres anything i can do about it thanks.

shell_542

I'd discuss it with her Dad and explain your concerns.

Does she stay overnight at his? Could it be that it was a shorter period she was with the GF as the work overlapped into the contact period?

You may not know the GF very well but your daughter has been spending every other weekend with her for 9 months so she's not a stranger to her.

I can understand your annoyance but as long as she see's her Dad in the time she's there and it isn't a case of her spending no time with him at all, I don't see such a major problem with it personally.

If you could discuss it with the Dad, would you be willing to be flexible with contact arrangements and work around his shifts as that would be the only possibility if you wanted to ensure Dad was there at all times. We have to do this with my step daughter and it isn't great.

tattycath

Maybe she sees her dad before he goes to work and when he gets home? and as for sleeping over-all kids love sleep overs and when she's in bed asleep she's not spending quality time with anybody (whether she's at home at his, or at home at yours)
plus it's a routine she is in and to disrupt a routine where (presumably) she's happy will only be detrimental to her

borders_dude

You dont say how old your kid is.

My daughter stays over with me at weekends who is 8 and gets on great with my partner, there have been times when they have been alone. They get on great and my partner knows its important to me that my daughter and her get on.

But

Saying that I probably wouldnt arrange for my daughter to spend the weekend if I wasnt going to be there. Not because I dont trust my partner or anything like that just I dont see the point. A few hours together is good for them to spend together though.

But if you child is say 14 - 16 then I would say it should be up to them if they stay over when your ex isnt there. At that age they can make up their own mind and as a parent perhaps it would be good to let them make some of their own decisions.

AnxiousMum

Look at it the other way........if the ex's girlfriend REFUSED to have your daughter there while the dad wasn't there, or was sleeping after a night shift - would that not be alot worse? Sorry - but that's what happened to my two sons, and they have never since been comfortable in the home shared by their dad and his current - as they know they are not welcome by her.

Does your daughter get to see the dad at all during the time there? If she does get to see him before/after work - is that not like a normal home situation in alot of cases? When she's with you - is she with you 24 hours a day, or is she sometimes with someone else and in their care?

How does your daughter feel with her time with the dad's girlfriend?

bonjovibel_729

hi there i have sympathy for you i had the same with my two daughters they were going to his house every other weekend and spending more time with his gf than him....i tried talkin to thim about it but he cudnt see the problem i did mention it when we went to court but they were of the opinion that at least he spends sometime with them and basically there is nothing i could do......to say i am frustated by this is an understatement...they are not her kids and if they are not with theyre dad would rather they get to spend time with me...

NewLifeAhead_2

Hi thanks for youre replies. My daughter is 5, and no im not saying i dont want her being around his g/f at all that doesnt bother me its just as i said it seems pointless.The time that i am talking about basically he picked her up at 5pm, friday, did a 12 hour shift 6-6, then slept till 3 at his mums (i think he does this because of the 3 boisterous 4/5 year olds running round) then brought her home at 5. So he literally had the time in the car with her from picking her up, then 2 hours the next day.
I have suggested altering it if hes working but he insists on sticking to the court order.

nannytone_2

i understand what youre saying totally. but at the same time at least her dad is working and helping out to a degree. you have some freetime which you can use to work of just relax a bit (no matter how much you love them, kids are hard work!)
the g/f is obviously a decent person as she accepts that your daughter is 'part of the package'
and, most importantly, youre daughter obviously benefits from the extra relationships she has with the g/f and her kids. it could be a win/win situation if handled properly!
good luck!

chriszzz

I agree with nannytone, your child has a nice balance with her other family, there would be some step mums out there who wouldnt entertain the idea of looking after step child when dad has to go to work.

If your child is happy to go there knowing dad will be at work then there is every point in her going....she wants to!

If your daughter is happy I would leave her to develop her own relationship with dad and the family, at the end of the day you are her mum and it will be you she comes to if she is not happy.

13Kent

I bet he was gutted to have to go to work and not see her - but seeing her for a few hours was better than not seeing her at all I expect, or changing the arrangements and being accused of messing the PWC around when she had plans, or to risk having it thrown back at him at a later date that he didn't want to see her at the time arranged. (I'm not saying you would do this, and sorry if I sound cynical, but it does happen).

Also I know of one NRP who has lost jobs due to taking time off in order to pick his children up from school on a regular basis once a week - to keep the contact arrangements he was forced to leave work - especially as the PWC would not allow his girlfriend to pick up the children for him, and he ends up losing his job for insisting on taking the time of....and that of course had a 'knock on' effect financially on the children and PWC so everyone loses.