I wish my in laws were DFWs!

maryjane01

I am getting married in a week and a day, and my partner got a phone call yesterday from his parents telling him they cannot afford to buy us a gift or help with any costs. That in itself is not a problem and we never factored any help form them into our budget.

The worrying thing is it is a sign they are in major financial trouble. They are very extravagant people. They live in a house which is on the market (thank god!) worth over £500,000. They only buy designer goods. I imagine it would have been very difficult for them to make the call last night that they can't even get us a wedding present. I am sure they would have no qualms with using credit cards, so it makes me think possibly they have a number of cards that are completely maxed out.

They should be retiring!

Their solution is they have bought a house abroad where I presume they can go on wining and dining and live the lifestyle they have lived here on credit for a fraction of the cost, and they are selling up here. I don't know how much equity they actually have. I have a feeling the mortgage on their house is quite big.

They have painted the picture to their friends it is a lifestyle choice when I think it really financial necessity as much as anything else.

I worry that for 10 or 15 years while they have their health things will be ok, but what about if they need medical care later in life and can't look after things like selling a house abroad, and can't afford to pay somebody to help them?

My partner called his sister and she was crying. Debt has such a huge impact on the whole family.

The stupid thing is if they lived life within their means they would have had no problems now. They have had 40 years of treating themselves to designer goods and you would start to believe after that long that that is normal.

There are going to be so many people in this country that have a serious reality check when they reach retirement age and can't continue to make minimum payments using other cards.

How can you tell somebody you have average earnings therefor you should be living in average priced house , not a house worth double the average price!

We were going to put them in charge at the wedding of keeping an eye on where the bar tab has got to, but we have taken them off that duty because they will know how much it is costing us and fel guilty they can't help.

Sorry, I just wanted to rant more than anything to get it off my chest. It is sad to watch somebody of that age see the illusion they have created of their life crash to pieces, and see the affect that has on those closest to them.

poorbutrich

Poor you - I can't help at all, but just wanted to say that they will be lucky to have you as a daughter-in-law, and that I hope it doesn't spoil your wedding
Good luck.

*zippy*

Hi Maryjane

Just want to say i sympathise, I went through this last year, it was an awful shock to find out relations that also should be retiring had over £30k of debt, they took offence when I tried to help, so we don't mention it now. They to sold part of their house to pay it off, but they haven't changed their ways and its a real worry.

you can only be there for them if they ask, I have just had to except they are grownups and there is nothing i can do.

seven-day-weekend

Forget your inlaws for a while....just enjoy your wedding day!

And have a great marriage!

maryjane01

Thanks Zippy, I am afraid my in laws will end up the same way. I don't know how they can change a lifetime habit. They will release equity when they sell their house and move abroad, and I think they will probably keep on spending. I am sure we will eventually receive an extravagant wedding gift from them after they sell their house.

My partner really wants to help them (with what? We are buying a house on a 100% mortgage, I am paying stamp duty and all legals as he has no savings, and he still has £4,000 debt, it was about £14,000 1 year ago. He took after his parents till he met me and I found out about his debt). His instant reaction last night was if his parents needed it he could take out a loan with his sister and they could pay it off together. He is terrible with money and I have to explain that won't help and will also put our future at risk.

I have to think more seriously about our joint finances and how 'joint' my partner sees them if he would seriously take out a loan to help support his parents extravagant lifestyle. I hope it was just an initial gut reaction that he would love to help his parents and after thinking about it rationally can see it would be a really bad idea.

*zippy*

Hi Maryjane

Your partners reaction is natural, I too felt guilty that I couldn't help them, its natural not to want to see your parents suffer, its like role reversal, you know they would help you out if they could if you were in the same situation. Your right its not the answer, we like you were not in a financial position to help out, but even if we were, how long would it take before they were back in the same position. Moral support is the best. My relations are very proud and swore me to secrecy, which makes it harder, I swayed through all the emotions, crying, guilt I can't help them, anger at them they spent all the equity release money that was over before the ink was dry, let alone the money in their account and anger at financial institutions lending money to elderly people without the means of paying it back, i could rant on that one for hours, so don't get me started My relations too have to have the best of everthing etc and I worry now every time I see them spending money. I wish I could talk openly about it to them, but they are so ashamed and I don't want to hurt them. All their friends have good pensions and are enjoying their retirement and they get invited out to lunch and on holidays etc these friends are under the illusion that they are well off so they, like your in laws feel they have to keep up appearances.

I did lend them martins book, which they enjoyed, but they don't seem to have fully grasped the cutting back bit yet :rolleyes: I'm going to get another book and casually lend it to them again and live in hope.

Enjoy your wedding, support your hubby to be, I don't know what I would have done without mine at the time, theres nothing better than a hug when you are down. It still hurts, but I can laugh about it (sometimes!) there can't be many people who lost their inheritance to a very posh new bathroom suite, well the toilet seat does put itself down when you have finished To be honest it is just very sad they have worked all their lives and should be enjoying themselves. It has made hubby and I aware of planning for our retirement.

BertieMeldrew

You sound so sensible! Good luck...

However, might I suggest that you ensure you have control of the finances once you are married? Am sure your OH wouldn't let you down but "like father like son" etc etc

Broken_hearted

Enjoy your wedding.

Right as for the in laws there isn't anything you can do to help them. They have to have their own lightbulb moment.

tyllwyd

I agree with the others - you can give your in-laws emotional support and help them with practical problems, but whatever you do, don't try to support them financially. If nothing else, you might be starting a family of your own in a few years time, and you won't be able to afford to be paying off thousands of pounds of someone else's debts.

I don't think you can worry about what happens in 10 or 15 years time - that's something that lots of us are going to have to face whether or not our parents are abroad. If you want to plan for it, my best advice would be to start a little savings account now - that way, at least you are building up a cushion so that if your in-laws/parents need help, you will have something to call on, or if you have children, you will have something to help them at university or whatever.

lizzie12_2

Enjoy your wedding day and try to put everything else on the back burner so to speak. If possible try to involve them in the day. As long as they are there to enjoy your day with you - that is the main thing.

We tried to keep the ball rolling to "mask" what was really happening in the early days... not allways the best thing .