Another one of those benefits threads

fc123

I hate to add to the thread....but I wish the whole single mother label would be dropped and the descrip was ''absent father families'' instead.

..and don't feel a failure Sue...if the Daily Mail ever want to do an in depth on absent fathers, they should interview someone like you as a contrast.

lostinrates

mitchaa wrote: »

Being a carer to sick children is slightly different to someone that chooses not to work. Please do and try keep up..

Personally, I'd add young children to sick ones: I see the sense in mothers being allowed to mother. I do not think children are in any way damaged by childcare of other natures, but I think full time motherhood for pre school children is not he same as choosing not to work, fullstop.

edit: shamed in my inadvertant sexism by malcom and lydia below I'll say plase read ''parent'' for ''mother''

Malcolm.

fc123 wrote: »

I hate to add to the thread....but I wish the whole single mother label would be dropped and the descrip was ''absent father families'' instead.

..and don't feel a failure Sue...if the Daily Mail ever want to do an in depth on absent fathers, they should interview someone like you as a contrast.

I would prefer the term single parent family. It doesn't discriminate based upon sex.

LydiaJ

Malcolm. wrote: »

I would prefer the term single parent family. It doesn't discriminate based upon sex.

I would prefer that too. Partly because single dads have a tough enough time without being treated as invisible. Also partly because I feel that "single parent" and "lone parent" are value-neutral, factual descriptions of my circumstances, whereas "single mother" or "single mum" feel pejorative for reasons I can't entirely articulate.

I think fc's point is that whatever label is used should be one that doesn't exclusively blame the mothers, and I completely agree with that. However, "absent father family" is not only just as sexist as "single mother", but it also feels gratuitously judgemental to me. While many non-resident dads are reprehensibly negligent of their responsibilities to their children, there are also many who are not, and plenty who didn't want to split up, and are desperate to have as much contact with their kids as they can. To refer to their families as "absent dad families" would be to add insult to injury.

So I wouldn't have liked "absent dad family" even when I was separated, although I did use the phrase "absent dad" in sentences like "He is a good dad to my kids and a good co-parent to me - as absent dads go, he's better than most." Now that I am widowed, describing my household as an "absent dad family" would feel like blaming my late-nearly-ex for having died, which is clearly not fair.

treliac

fc123 wrote: »

I hate to add to the thread....but I wish the whole single mother label would be dropped and the descrip was ''absent father families'' instead.

Is it more that the fathers never wanted to be a part of their children's lives in the first place or that there are young women today who have no need for fathers for their kids.... or a mixture of both? (Leaving aside those for whom life didn't turn out as planned, of course).

Malcolm. wrote: »

I would prefer the term single parent family. It doesn't discriminate based upon sex.

Yes, although far fewer and mostly different in so far as they actually want to bring up their children, there are some fantastic lone fathers around.

treliac

lostinrates wrote: »

I do not think children are in any way damaged by childcare of other natures'

This is arguable. Standards of childcare vary wildly. We all know of some dreadful things that have happened to young children in the hands of childminders and nursery staff.

Personally I feel that, on the whole, a baby and young child is best cared for by one or two committed carers, usually a parent but not always, who loves that child unconditionally.

It's where I feel most guilt... that I was not able to do that for my children and that, juggling too many of life's demands, I was not the best parent I could be.

It's a tragic dichotomy of life today that parents who want to parent fully so often have to work in order to survive and other parents, who aren't so committed to giving their children the very best start in life they possibly can, get to stay at home.

fc123

LydiaJ wrote: »

I would prefer that too. Partly because single dads have a tough enough time without being treated as invisible. Also partly because I feel that "single parent" and "lone parent" are value-neutral, factual descriptions of my circumstances, whereas "single mother" or "single mum" feel pejorative for reasons I can't entirely articulate.

I think fc's point is that whatever label is used should be one that doesn't exclusively blame the mothers, and I completely agree with that. However, "absent father family" is not only just as sexist as "single mother", but it also feels gratuitously judgemental to me. While many non-resident dads are reprehensibly negligent of their responsibilities to their children, there are also many who are not, and plenty who didn't want to split up, and are desperate to have as much contact with their kids as they can. To refer to their families as "absent dad families" would be to add insult to injury.

So I wouldn't have liked "absent dad family" even when I was separated, although I did use the phrase "absent dad" in sentences like "He is a good dad to my kids and a good co-parent to me - as absent dads go, he's better than most." Now that I am widowed, describing my household as an "absent dad family" would feel like blaming my late-nearly-ex for having died, which is clearly not fair.

I didn't intend it to be a negative thing but I get a bit fed up with the whole single mother label...it sounds so derogatory.
Loads of single parent families for so may different reasons....maybe they should just get rid of the word single altogether?

Lone parent sounds more tolerant though.

I just feel it's the women who get the flack...based on the OP.

Malcolm.

fc123 wrote: »

I didn't intend it to be a negative thing but I get a bit fed up with the whole single mother label...it sounds so derogatory.
Loads of single parent families for so may different reasons....maybe they should just get rid of the word single altogether?

Lone parent sounds more tolerant though.

I just feel it's the women who get the flack...based on the OP.

Unfair media coverage unfortunately tends to portray all single mothers badly.

People are influenced by the media.

LydiaJ

fc123 wrote: »

I didn't intend it to be a negative thing but I get a bit fed up with the whole single mother label...it sounds so derogatory.
Loads of single parent families for so may different reasons....maybe they should just get rid of the word single altogether?

Lone parent sounds more tolerant though.

I just feel it's the women who get the flack...based on the OP.

So I guessed right about where you were coming from, then.

I'm certainly grateful for people like you (and many others on here) who want to stand up for those of us who are parenting alone. Thank you. :T

carolt

I think this kind of misses the point of the OP - there was no way it was aimed at women who were involuntary single mothers - the whole point of the link, and what made it so shocking to me, was that the single mother in question had deliberately chosen to divorce her husband (NOT the other way around) for financial reasons, as she was £200/a week better off single on benefits than she was married.

That is a lot of money. And she is no less 'real' an example than you or Sue, say, who didn't choose to be single parents.

I don't know the statistics for how many single parents actively chose that state, like the OP, and how many definitely did not.

But the fact is clear that the benefit system should not incentivise ANYONE to the tune of £200/week to choose divorce. There is clearly something very sick with a system where that can happen.