wedding planning chaos, almost given up

little_h_2

Hi everyone, this is a bit of a vent and a bit of a cry for help and support!

I'm currently due to get married to my lovely h2b on 21st August, a church do at 4pm followed by a sit down meal at a nearby pub for 40 of our friends and close family.

Originally we had planned to have a second do (just an evening buffet etc) for the rest of h2b's family as they live a few hours away and he isn't particularly close to them so I said we just needed to invite those closest to us as we couldnt afford for everyone to come, and they couldnt afford to come and stay down here (we live in Essex and they live in Lincoln)

He has just started a new job and so is concentrating on this while I am getting lumbered with the planning and the stressing.

It's my second wedding and I was determined that once we had actually agreed we would get married (we have been through a lot inlcuding a couple of breakups as i couldnt handle everything after my divorce), we would just have something small that would be nice for us and hopefully everyone else would fit in with that.

It has now turned into such a long catalogue of issues with family, family dogs, family travelling, and of course our costs are rising. I don't want anyone else to contribute (mostly because I feel guilty becuase it's second time for me) and I don't want other people telling us what to have because they have put money into it. Plus neither family has the moeny anyway as they are paying for other stuff for our siblings :mad: (won't even go there but it is not very nice for either set of parents)

I'm not snobby but I don't want to have something really cheap and nasty becuase it's all we can afford, I would rather go without. We have some debts we need to clear and also need to spend some money on our house but we still want to get married and most of all we need a good holiday.

I spat the dummy at h2b last night, and told him I am starting to resent the planning and the stress and most of all the money. We love the church we are due to get married in and had also booked a mini moon in Ireland for just after the wedding.

However he has said he is happy to go away on holiday somewhere warm and sunny and get married on a beach. This still won't be a cheap option but I am happy to think about it.

Can anyone help me, is anyone in the same boat, and can anyone recommend a good company to book a wedding with abroad. It will most likely be just the 2 of us. We have very supportive friends who would come anywhere in the UK but money is tight for everyone and we would not expect them to come abroad for us.

I am torn between this and the little church do with maybe a little meal for very close people afterwards. H2b is supportive, really he is, but he is also not good at multitasking and can't think about many things at once :rotfl:

I was so determined this time it would be different and I am sad that yet again this is becoming less about us making a big commitment (very scary for both of us!) and more about a logistical operation to involve families so that no one feels left out. :mad:

bubbles0169

hi and welcome to the board
i dont want to hamper you any more but i want to point out that if you go abroad you still might get all the problems your encountering now
people might feel left out
they might resent you going away
i dont see how going abroad will solve these issues
it is also quite dear to go abroad, from £3000 i think, which is a big difference to your church and pub meal
BUT
it is your day and you must do(the majority of) it your way

there are a few others here who are planning to go away and have problems of thier own, they should be along to tell you all the good and bad things
and if you do decide to go away you could have a party when you come back:)

floss2

little_h wrote: »

I spat the dummy at h2b last night, and told him I am starting to resent the planning and the stress and most of all the money. We love the church we are due to get married in and had also booked a mini moon in Ireland for just after the wedding.

However he has said he is happy to go away on holiday somewhere warm and sunny and get married on a beach. This still won't be a cheap option but I am happy to think about it...

...I am torn between this and the little church do with maybe a little meal for very close people afterwards. H2b is supportive, really he is, but he is also not good at multitasking and can't think about many things at once

Why not have your little church service with your parents & very best friends (max of 10 people), have your minimoon and then have a party a little after the wedding to celebrate, inviting everybod - at their own cost?

Then you get the best of all worlds, little hassle, no family squabbles and marrying your H2B in your chosen place.

little_h_2

thanks, that's definitely looking like the best option at the moment.

the reason i am in such a stupid amount of debt is largely because of over-generosity beyond my means, and it's proving hard to let go of that and not feel i have to pay for everyone to have a fabulous time!

we are seeing the vicar tomorrow night to discuss all the requirements and I have heard she is very nice (not met her before as the normal vicar will be away on holiday when we get married) so hopefully she may have some wise words to help me calm down.

I also have a 6 year old niece who is being a bridesmaid and while I would happily tell everyone else we have changed our plans, I couldn't bring myself to break her heart. She has been telling everyone she is going to be a bridesmaid even though she doesn't even know what it means

thanks bubbles for pointing out that others still have issues even going abroad, i guess we look at it as the answer to all the problems but it's never straightforward is it!

I have looked at flights to Cork and we could fly on the saturday evening rather than the monday morning, so this would extend it by a couple of days.

we could then use some of the money for a late deal sunny holiday fairly soon (before my nerves frazzle completely!) and put the rest towards the windows my poor house is in desperate need of.

We have paid a deposit for the pub but if I asked nicely I'm sure we could use this towards a nice lunch for the smaller number of people. And they could buy their own drinks

letting off steam is gooooood.....i know how that bloody volcano feels

Cat72

I have HUGE problems with my H2B family and there constant demands. So we too considered going abroad- however I decided this wasnt really a good option.
The people who moan would still moan that they couldnt afford to go and it meant my colse loyal friends would be out of pocket as they would go anywhere to see me getting married.
It just seemed that the supportive people were being puinished for the behaviour of the moaners.

I too loved the venue I had chosen so decided to stick with it. So stick to what you want- if you feel thats the place you and your OH want to get married in then do .
As other OP said maybe consider having a smaller do and bigger party.

You dont say exactly what the problems are but if its mostly your H2B family then really its mostly his issue. As its not really about the wedding day but about the unreslolved relationship problems between them- nothing really to do with you.

I wasted a lot of time trying to keep people happy- and am still struggling with it- but no one is really thinking about my happiness. So why should I stress myself worrying about theirs ?
As far as Im concerned people forget what a wedding is- a celebration of two people who love each other declaring this and spending thei life together. Its NOT about transport, dogs, outfits etc. If people cant come to celebration this occasion in the menner its meant to be then stuff them

floss2

Think about your very minimum guest list - we had ours down to 10, which was us 2, OH's parents, my 2 sons, his best man & his wife and my bridesmaid & her husband.

After a rethink & juggling of the budget, this has now grown to 40 for the ceremony & wedding breakfast, and 75 for the evening do.

paulwf

If you do decide to have the wedding in the UK don't feel you have to do the organising for every single guest. I've been to a few weddings where they set up a simple website (you might even get away with Facebook) and email group which gives the relevant info that guests need to sort themselves out.

The sort of info included is dress code, wedding and reception venue info, a list of local hotels, a list of taxi forms and other transport info etc. Apart from very immediate family guests should be able to sort out their own transport and accommodation. Don't get bogged down in every last detail.

Some of the best receptions have been where they've hired a hall and people have each brought a dish or the catering has been big dishes of hot food (mainly rice and pasta) where everyone can help themselves. Don't think you have to spend a fortune for people to have a good time, formal meals can be boring.

kr15snw

Just been through the same thing. Realised it was all getting too much and after putting the wedding back 12 months we realised it wasn't that we didn't want to get married yet, it was that we didn't want the stress.

So we cancelled the wedding and am now getting married in Sydney this christmas. We wanted it to just be us and to do something different, so we've gone for this:

http://www.bridgeclimb.com/The-Climbs/The-Wedding-Climb/

We'll still have a party when we get back but it will be very laid back and no stress of timings etc

Going away and doing it is great, but if you want to do it in the uk thats also great.

I agree with letting others sort themselves out. Book the wedding and then tell people where and when it is. It's their job to sort out hotels / who's dog sitting.

Louba

Little-h sorry you're havinga hard time It's the second time for me too and like you I'm determined to make it about us and not about what other people want. Similarly we're not looking for contributions and I feel a bit sheepish taking present form people!

I also have some family issues won't bore you with all the details but my first marriage was in a catholic church and although I'm divorced I can't marry again in the church unless my marriage is annulled by some church committee. I don't want to go down this route - I was married for seven yers and it seems wrong but my aunt won't recognise the marriage unless i do........... I could go on but it's really too boring for words! My brother fell out with both my sisters and now won't speak to me.........

I think the main thing is to do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Some people will enver be happy no matter what you do and I guess you just need to accept it and move on. I've got to thinking that the whoel thing is about me and my OH being happy and wanting to share that with our loved ones. If people can't be happy for whatever reason then it isn't my responsibility to sort whatever is bugging them

Don't feel like you can't accept help - I agree with paulwf that some of the nicest weddings I've been to have been where friends and family have got involved. I've been really lucky my sisters live in a different city so i sent them photos of dreese I liked - they went shopping separately and by coincidence fell in love with the same dress at the same time - even though they weren't together........very odd they both phoned at the smae time to say they found a dress and sent me photos! They were pleased to be involved and it cuts down the work for me.

The idea of something small with close friends and family sounds lovely. So does a ceremony abraod but it won't necessarily cut down your work as some countries requies alot of papers and even blood tests on arrival!

I hope you get everything sorted and start to feel better - sometimes just knowing that other people have similar issues helps.

Good luck

Lx

faerie_girl

We are being very strict with our wedding. We will have been together for 5 years on the day we get married and have an 18month old son. We just want to get married, it's for us not for Great Aunt Sal and cousins twice removed to have a free meal and booze up. Our budget is small.

We are having a registry office civil ceremony (we are both Atheist) then we are having a garden party in our own garden and I will be doing all the catering. We are inviting 15 people, parents, grandparents, siblings and OH's best friend, I am also considering two newly found friends if things carry on as they do. We have been strict with our cut-off point being Grandparents. I have a few Aunts, Uncles & cusons who we would like to invite but we don't have the funds to cater for everyone as my family is HUGE. We are getting married mid-week at 11am so I'm not sure that a lot of people would want to take time off work anyway.
If people get upset at our plans then its a bit tough. At the end of the day it's just a wedding and doesn't effect anyone else's life other than mine & OH's!

little_h_2

quick update, thank you again to everyone for your support.

We have moved the wedding forward to 11am. We will head to the same pub/restaurant for lunch (as long as they are happy for us to do this) and then at 3pm we are leaving for the airport as we have extended our mini moon so we will arrive on Saturday evening.

That way we can celebrate together (and enjoy a proper wedding night :j) and also relax a bit more with the longer break.

We met our vicar on Thursday night and she is the nicest vicar I could have hoped to have (not the usual vicar as he will be away). She had so many ideas for the ceremony that we hadn't even considered and was so genuinely pleased for us we were really overcome.

We invited her to the meal after the rehearsal and to lunch after the wedding, didn't feel obliged at all just wanted to enjoy her company.

I have also rethought my hen night and will be enjoying an MSE spa afternoon the day before with my mum, MIL and a couple of close friends. then we will go to the rehearsal.

I'm back to feeling excited about everything and it's fantastic! :j

There are more family goings on rumbling away, but I am much more able to put them into perspective now.