Sorry but it's me posting again, lol

mumof1and1ontheway

Some of you may follow my threads others may not, but I am desp for an outlet and possibly a little advice.

I am 23 weeks pregnant and have a 20 month old son. I am seeing a solicitor on Monday to start divorce proceedings and have posted recently asking your advice on access of the newborn. Well.. I have now decided to ex can see his youngest when born 3 days a week for a couple of hours, and that once I bottle feed he will start by taking the baby out for an hour then build it up. The maybe overnight can start at maybe 6 months... I'll decide that one when I get there.

He has our oldest 2 nights a week... but now his mother is asking to have him one night a week also...and I feel mean, but I want to say no... once a month maybe. And I know she is missing out on so much of her grandsons life atm.. but I am struggling enough to have DS away from me 2 nights a week

Really sorry for my moaning post, but right now I feel a bit rock bottom. Its asthough all my positiveness and strength I have shown has suddenly tipped itself upside down. All I can think is omg how am I going to cope with a newborn all on my own with a toddler who is used to my undivided attention. How will I cope with an ex who is round 3 times a week, sat in my house for a few hours bonding with a newborn that we should of brought up as a couple?

I feel so down trodden today and even a little depressed. I have tried hard to keep everything in control and in order lately and suddenly I am realising the closer I get to the birth the more it is slowly slipping away.

I have been keeping myself busy by ensuring the house is decluttered and clean and tidy, making sure everything is in order, my son kept in a routine... and this will all change with a newborn.

I am petrified.. is this normal? Have any other mums out there coped with a toddler and a newborn all on their own? Sorry again for such a miserable post.

Person_one

I'm not a mum but I wanted to reassure you that you aren't being unreasonable about the grandmother's request.

3 nights away from mum is probably not in a 20 month old child's best interests. A grandparent doesn't have any 'right' to see a child and plenty cope with once a month and much less.

mumof1and1ontheway

Thank you for your reply. I feel that right now I am not in the best frame of mind to be making long term decisions that effect my kids, because stress and worry is taking over my way of thinking. But I'm thinking I would not cope having DS away from me even more than he already is x

jackieglasgow

I absolutely agree with person one. She has no "rights" and can go visit her grandchild or negotiate access with her son when he has him. Do you have a reasonable relationship with her? What about offering one lunch or tea a week/fortnight/whatever you can cope with, where she sees him in your house, but you could go have a bath, a nap watch a DVD in peace and quiet. You will need to rest before this baby comes. Please speak to your HV or Midwife for help. You do not want to end up with PND, it is horrific and debilitating, and you would find it difficult to cope alone with it. Also ask if your HV can get you a nursery place for the LO. There are places available for under 3s if the family situation merits one, she may be aboe to help you out with this, start looking into these things, and plan, plan, plan for when baby arrives.

I also wanted to remind you that the father does not have an automatic right to be at the delivery, and if him being there will be stressful for you, don't feel you need to do this. Please seek help from your HV or Dr ASAP. You will need all the support you can get.

ETA I'm sorry I didn't mean this to come across a heavy as it did, have a huge hug from me.

daska

Could his dad not take him to visit his grandmother using his nights? That's what most NRPs do.

Having said that, you might be grateful for some extra toddler-free time once bubs arrives?

nearlyrich

My marriage broke down when I was 7 months PG and my son was 17 months old, I can't tell you it's easy but you will get there, I know so many people that this happened to and they all made it through. Take any help you can get, make sure your older child gets to help with the baby and get's some mummy time when the baby is sleeping. Keep posting on here people will help you with support and suggestions and good luck.

daska

You might also be able to get some help from Home-Start if there's one in your area. They'll also know if there is a pilot schemes for free pre-school places from age 2 in your area.

mumof1and1ontheway

I have been looking at childminders for 1 day a week to socialise DS and prepare him, but ex MIL said shed rather have him for a day.
I am still undecided about delivery.. all I can think and worry about is everyone else. I cant put myself first and I am getting depressed over it all. I wish I had a back bone and could be nasty for a chance as life would be so much easier. But instead I over analyse every little details.

My midwife isnt even aware I am going through divorce etc, every appt I mean to bring it up but get such a feeling of shame that I dont. I had a midwife appointment yesterday and the midwife was lovely.. but I dont know... I just felt so rubbish.

I phoned a HV last week asking about having my son weighed... and did want to ask for help.. but I worry that if I ask for help or struggle this will be seen that I cannot cope and then the ex will be given full custody or something. My mind is a mess, I am unable to even think straight to be able to plan for the future. I need to scream or cry or something. And yes I am very worried about PND as I suffered from this when my son was born, and it took me a good 6 months to recover.

Sagz_2

Person_one wrote: »

I'm not a mum but I wanted to reassure you that you aren't being unreasonable about the grandmother's request.

3 nights away from mum is probably not in a 20 month old child's best interests. A grandparent doesn't have any 'right' to see a child and plenty cope with once a month and much less.

To play devils advocate...... 6 nights away from dad is probably not in a childs best interests either.

I'm sorry you are in this position OP and hope you find a way through the problems that makes everyone happy xx

minimoneysaver

My solicitor has informed me that it is usual that grandparent contact happens when your child sees their father. You need to remove stresses and relax before baby arrives. Are you happy about your son being away from you for two nights a week? Even at four years old, my daughter never spends a night away from me. I can't imagine having to send her out the door to her dads house.... not that he has a house, lol. He is sleeping on the sofa at his parents!

mumof1and1ontheway

mini I am happy with him being away for 2 nights as I want to ensure he keeps a good relationship with his dad. I miss him so much when he is gone, but I try not to let it show and use it catch up on sleep and do the house work etc. I would be unhappy if he wanted 3 nights a week, but would also worry how it would effect my son if I refused iygwim.