my boyfriend wants prenup and I'm pregnant

jclm_2

Hi,

I'm 2 months pregnant and me and my boyfriend are considering getting married. He's much wealthier than me - there is a 20-year age gap between us and he earns about £40,000 more than me and has his own house, car, savings etc. I have nothing apart from a temporary job which ends in a month and my student debt! However, he wants a prenup before getting married. Also, rather than me paying part of the mortgage and having my name on the deeds, he says I can live in his house, rent free and pay half of the bills and groceries. He said that living rent free will allow me to save up and eventually buy my own place, so if we get divorced, I won't need/be entitled to half of his house.

But I'm confused about this whole thing. In order to make our relationship work, I'm making sacrificies e.g. by moving in with him I am limiting my career opportunities (as my career requires me to move to large cities, where the permanent jobs are). My pregnancy/maternity will take about 6 months off my work/earning capacity and I have very little savings. Ideally I would love to stay at home part time with the baby but if our agreement is that I must save up for a house in case we divorce, then it makes more sense for me to concentrate on my career and move to another part of the country where I can get a good job! I was wondering what other people think, and how other couples manage when one partner is rich and the other has nothing.

Many thanks

Mark_the_owl

He sounds like a really nice chap.

gill_81uk

I wouldn't marry him in those circumstances - it certainly doesn't sound as though he feels very secure about your future!

By all means move in with him if you want (I'm assuming the baby is his) but I'm fairly sure that you would be entitled to some claim on the house if you can prove you are contributing towards bills etc so make sure this is done via online banking and that it is clear where this money is going.

My husband earns quite a bit more than me and we have always split things fairly proportionally. When we first moved in together he paid the mortgage from his account (both names on it) and I paid food and bills as it suited us to do it this way.

After we married we both agreed that all of our money was 'ours' but we do still have separate accounts, mainly because I like playing with my internet banking and having some control, and it feels nicer for presents and treating each other. However if either of us is short/needs money etc it is transferred straight over.

I am on mat leave atm and expecting our first child in less than 3 weeks. Obviosuly my earning capacity has come right down so DH will be giving me an 'allowance' towards food and bills, to be agreed when my SMP kicks in and we see how we're managing.

This works really well for us as we have a lot of trust and similar ideas about what money should be spent on (ie neither of us takes the p*ss!) DH wanted us to have all our money in one account but I like having my own little bit of independence.

Tamsin_Temrin

You could show him a CSA calculator 'should you divorce'. That may focus his mind.

angel223_2

im due to be married this year (neither one of us is well off but my OH has some debts I dont have debt). once married we will have a joint bank account, all wages will be our money, all bills will be our bills, all debt will be our debt etc etc marriage is a partnership!!

I would be very very weary of a pre nup. at the very very very least you need your own solicitor who will be concernd with you and not him just as he will be doing (do not rely on his solicitor get someone impartial)

so your giving up alot, having his baby and caring for it (which could impact your own work earnings) is going to have to deal with your own debt and struggle to pay half bills while he lives the life of riley and when / if he gets bored of you off you go with nowt to show for all you have done (ie no place for you and child to live) what exactly is he giving YOU and your child.....nahhhh not for me on your bike son!!!

Bufger

i can see both sides of this here. He will naturally want to protect everything he has worked for all his life whilst you just want a normal marriage/family life without worrying if your own finances are sufficient if you were to break up.

Firstly i would question the possibility of marriage. Are you happy to get married on those terms? Does he expect you to both split up or is he just protecting himself incase you turn out to be a gold digger (not saying you are!). I think the way he's worded the whole 'so you can save up and get your own place if we divorce' thing would ring alarm bells.

I'm quite sure you would still have a claim to part of his estate by paying the bills and that being recorded with a paper trail unless the prenup would mention such a thing (and even then im sure you would still be entitled!). From the legality side of things you would want to see a solicitor to go over the terms of this prenup, do it on your own so you wont hold back questions.

Good luck, hope it works out whichever way you want it to.

DaveLy

Suggest at of the point of marriage everything beforehand is his. However, marriage should be an equal partnership and being left with little to nothing after a 5,10,20 year marriage isn't acceptable to you and damn right unfair, given your career being put on hold due to a child and such. Therefore everything ongoing is split equally.

Another way of looking at it, mathematically. He'd have to pay £103/week on a salary of £50k for 1 child CSA. Upto the age of 18 that is £96k, which alone would afford a small place and a future nest egg for yourself.

sneezyboots

Tell him to sacrifice his job and stay home and look after the baby while you build up your career!
or failing that go online and work out how much he would have to pay you if you spilt up.
I can see why he would not want to lose half of everything he has created for himself but to tell you to build up some money to get your own place just in case is expecting trouble.
If he is serious about getting married and being a family he would be quite happy for everything to be 'yours' in the plural sense.

jcr16

sorry , but in my mind if hubby asked me for a prenup before we got married i'd be wanting to know why he didn't trust me and why he thought protecting his money was more important than me. In a marriage you are equal, imo. if i earnt 100k and hubby earnt 10k, whats mine would be his. and vise versa ( i don't by the way , i'm a stay at home mummy. hubby works and i stay at home and look after our 3 little ones)

When i first met hubby he earnt £500-£600 a month. i earnt about £1k.( not huge amounts i know) but going into a prenup never entered our head's.we got a joint account within 2 months of knowing each other( we were buying somewhere together). if i won the lottery hubby would have as much say over the money and the spending of it as i would.

one thing that concerns me is he is looking ahead and planning for when you split up if you do. normally when your getting married and starting a family your main line of thought is being together forever. and saying those wedding vowels means you are making the promise to be together forever. so why have a saftey net in place for going seprate ways.

having said that if you love him and he loves you what works for one couple doesn't for another. so you must do and agree with what you feel happy with. I'd just be uncomfy with it.

you say he is 20 years older, but i not sure older means wiser.maybe he is just set in his way ans scared to loose what he has built up. but then maybe if that s the case he isn't ready to fully commite to sharing his life with his wife and children.

easy

You know, in my book marrying someone means preparing to share your life with them.

I didn't enter my marriage looking at what would happen if we split up later. If you think that is a likelyhood, then you shouldn't be getting married at all (of course marriages break up, but don't you start married life in the hope that yours will succeed?)

The comment " he says I can live in his house, rent free and pay half of the bills and groceries" beggars belief. Once you are a couple surely it isn't 'his house', it becomes 'our house' where you both live, on equal terms ?? When we married DH came to live in the house I had bought when I was single, but it never crossed my mind to charge him 'rent'. When we needed a bigger place, that house was sold, and the proceeds became the deposit for the house we now own together.

Basic household expenses were dealt with, as we opened a joint bank account, and both put some money into it every month (he rather more than I, he earned more and wanted to do it that way), and we used that for paying food/utilities/general bits and pieces.

To be honest, this guy's attitude seems far too selfish, not caring, loving or giving, and I wouldn't be marrying him, if I was in your shoes.

xmaslolly76

http://www.weddingguideuk.com/articles/legal/prenuptial.asp

Have a read of that according to that pre nups have no legal standing in the uk it is entirely down to the judge preciding over the divorce and if there are children involved your OH might find himself having to put his hand in his pocket regardless.