OH just left.......I'm 11 weeks pregnant....UPDATE

emsywoo123

Just needed to post really
OH and I have been together for 2.5 years, we have had alot of "words" about his drinking.
Since Summer last year it's been much better, but still some glitches. He's increased his drinking over the last few weeks, and he's being sneaky, i.e. hiding drinks, waiting til I have gone to bed to drink, lying about how much he's had etc.
We found out about 6 weeks ago that I am pregnant, we were both delighted (I already have 6yr old DD)
Last few days drinking more, we were supposed to go out with my dad today, but he worked this morning and claimed he just wanted to go home to sleep.
roll on to about 6pm, DD and I get home, and he is passed out stinking of beer.
I woke him and asked how much he had...he slurs "none"
I told him to leave, that I could not trust him with DD and potential baby with his underhand drinking. He blamed me, said he drank so much in one go as I was always "banging on" about it.
We recently registered at a new doctor, and they have identified that he has issues with amount he drinks, but he reckons doc and I are both wrong.
so here I am, pregnant, 6 yr old DD, new puppy (his idea) and I became self employed 7 weeks ago, so no income.
What the hell do I do?:eek:
Thank you so much for reading this.

jackieglasgow

OH emsywoo, I am so sorry to hear this. Maybe he needs this to see that he needs help. As for yourself, I am not sure what to advise about money, but I am sure someone shuld be along shortly who will have good advice. Do you have enough money in the meantime to feed you both, etc. and if not, will your parents help?

Hugs X

emsywoo123

jackieglasgow wrote: »

OH emsywoo, I am so sorry to hear this. Maybe he needs this to see that he needs help. As for yourself, I am not sure what to advise about money, but I am sure someone shuld be along shortly who will have good advice. Do you have enough money in the meantime to feed you both, etc. and if not, will your parents help?

Hugs X

Yes, I am hardly eating anyway (all day morning sickness!) and I have plenty in for DD.
huge council tax bill to pay as he "forgot" to pay it for last 2 months.

I have asked him to leave before, we have been here many times, he promises to change, does for a while, then back here again.
I'm always so weak and ask him back.

msgnomey

Didn't want to read and run

Don't have any advice for you as I have never been in that position but I have been on my own with a 5yr old, it all seems very bleak at the beginning but there will be a way out in the end

god bless
xxxxx

BitterAndTwisted

Where do you think he may have gone? If he hasn't taken every stitch of clothing and all his other possessions with him he'll be back, if only to collect them.

You and he obviously need a serious talk together, preferably when he's not had a skinful but trying to make someone understand that their alcohol-dependence is affecting their health, their employment and their relationships is very difficult if they're unwilling to listen. Often at the beginning they're in denial as his attitude to the GP demonstrates.

Just because he's not living in the house at the moment does not mean that he can cease to support his family and pay the mortgage. Do you have a joint bank-account or are you finances kept completely separate?

emsywoo123

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Where do you think he may have gone? If he hasn't taken every stitch of clothing and all his other possessions with him he'll be back, if only to collect them.
run back to mummy.
You and he obviously need a serious talk together, preferably when he's not had a skinful but trying to make someone understand that their alcohol-dependence is affecting their health, their employment and their relationships is very difficult if they're unwilling to listen. Often at the beginning they're in denial as his attitude to the GP demonstrates.
He completely is

Just because he's not living in the house at the moment does not mean that he can cease to support his family and pay the mortgage. Do you have a joint bank-account or are you finances kept completely separate?

Finances separate-he is appalling with money, as my council tax comment above proves.The only thing he was responsible for!

We only moved here about 6 weeks ago.......my parents bought it and we pay them rent, so he feels no responsibility towards it.

BitterAndTwisted

Your very worst tactic is to be swayed and change your mind and allow him back yet again without a concrete plan from him about how he's going to address his alcohol dependence.

That you've asked him to leave before and then asked him back is a green-light to carry on the way he always has because there's no need to change. I think you need to have a very hard think about how you proceed from here. As you can see your tactics previously have failed so it's time for new tactics IF you think there's a way forward together.

You are very, very lucky indeed that you don't have a massive mortgage and that your landlords are your parents. You could be in such a worse position than the one you are in now.

xmaslolly76

Hugs Emsy it sounds like a really difficult time for you at the moment. Get onto the council tax as soon as is possible and explain the situation see what they say also speak to your parents and let them know what is happening you need all the support you can get at the moment.

Do you want him back or is this the last straw? If you do want him back then i would say make sure he gets proper help and sticks with it before you let him move back in and try again. If not then you will get through this and you will come out the otherside and if your feeling weak we are all here to help you through the tough times :-)

emsywoo123

xmaslolly76 wrote: »

Hugs Emsy it sounds like a really difficult time for you at the moment. Get onto the council tax as soon as is possible and explain the situation see what they say also speak to your parents and let them know what is happening you need all the support you can get at the moment.

Do you want him back or is this the last straw? If you do want him back then i would say make sure he gets proper help and sticks with it before you let him move back in and try again. If not then you will get through this and you will come out the otherside and if your feeling weak we are all here to help you through the tough times :-)

TBH, right now I know that this is the last straw, but over time I will think "did I over react" and "is it me" as I have done this before.
The fact that I am now pregnant really really worries me...............

emsywoo123

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Your very worst tactic is to be swayed and change your mind and allow him back yet again without a concrete plan from him about how he's going to address his alcohol dependence.

That you've asked him to leave before and then asked him back is a green-light to carry on the way he always has because there's no need to change. I think you need to have a very hard think about how you proceed from here. As you can see your tactics previously have failed so it's time for new tactics IF you think there's a way forward together.

You are very, very lucky indeed that you don't have a massive mortgage and that your landlords are your parents. You could be in such a worse position than the one you are in now.

He will have nor accept a plan as he does not see any alcohol dependence.............
I know I am lucky, but I also feel now I have let down DD, and my parents, and this unborn child and in fact anyone who has been unlucky enough to ever meet me.

hippychick1

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I know I am lucky, but I also feel now I have let down DD, and my parents, and this unborn child and in fact anyone who has been unlucky enough to ever meet me.

My ex OH drank way too much too, and refused to see it as a problem. I left a year ago, and was terrified. I also felt like you do too. Even now, a year on, I feel I have let people down for not being able to make it work. I went back time and time again over the years, after leaving for a few days at a time, but last year was the last straw for me.

I do know that I did everything I could to make him so how bad things were, and he just refused to acknowledge his behaviour, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like a failure.

HOWEVER.....I LOVE my life now, I am free of his drinking, the constant nagging and arguing about it, all our money being wasted. I feel in control of my life now, whereas he is more in debt than ever, and is still drinking.

Would you really want to make it work? Would he agree to go to Relate, or something similar? I know I just got worn out with it all, and his refusal to change.