Notice to newcomers part 6!!!

Tixy

solventsoon wrote: »

I should think so, Tixy, you're a very valuable member of the team, I would think;) Hope you're home now?

Valuable maybe - not so much part of the team if I can help it. Hence why I always keep my office door closed. Don't believe in this 'my door is always open' stuff

swanfan02 wrote: »

Hi Tixy, how is your dog doing is she ok?:D

She is quite a bit improved today thanks, seems to be able to put some weight on that foot - and its certainly not denting her appetite

Nargleblast

Good evening all, a long hot busy day at work but good news re car - it is fixed and I can collect it tomorrow morning. It was a wiring fault in the end. Let's hope they don't try and charge me an arm and a leg for it.

Numpty_Monkey

Nargleblast wrote: »

Good evening all, a long hot busy day at work but good news re car - it is fixed and I can collect it tomorrow morning. It was a wiring fault in the end. Let's hope they don't try and charge me an arm and a leg for it.

that must be at least 2 legs and an arm:cool:
they leave you 1 arm to enter your pin number:D:rotfl:

Tixy

Nargleblast wrote: »

Good evening all, a long hot busy day at work but good news re car - it is fixed and I can collect it tomorrow morning. It was a wiring fault in the end. Let's hope they don't try and charge me an arm and a leg for it.

Numpty_Monkey wrote: »

that must be at least 2 legs and an arm:cool:
they leave you 1 arm to enter your pin number:D:rotfl:

Huh I was just about to make a very similar joke and you got their first

At least you are getting it back nargle, bet hubby is glad he hasn't got to run to work anymore if the hot weather continues.

marleyboy

Tixy

:T:rotfl:If she keeps it in that box one day the toy yoda will be worth more than a toyota.

Erm - I am not an expert on hooters' waitresses but seems to me she doesn't really have the necessary attributes.

handyman123_2

Hi all, Handyman recons its time to tell you a few stories about his Mate “Maggot”.
Now he’s a real person and he really is known as Maggot all the way from Lands End to John O’groats. Now Maggot A.K.A Peter Ashby, is a real good old British eccentric with a capital E. He got his name from the time he used to be a maggot farmer. (for fishing bait) and it stuck. He is one of those Marmite people, you either love it or hate it, and he is the best wind up merchant I have ever met.
Now as this story will take a bit of telling I may have to post in two parts so here goes.
As a bit of background he joined the RAF as a boy entrant when he was 15. After a serious head injury while suppressing a riot in cypress (someone dropped a manhole cover on his head). When he was medi-vact back to the U.K. he went on the phissh in a big way. His C.O. gave him the option, to volunteer for the RAF Mountain Rescue and be posted to Scotland, or discharged. Now the Mountain Rescue is part time and unpaid, even in the RAF, but sending Maggot to them was like sending a Goat to guard the cabbages, I have met some of his old team mates who are now in there 60’s & 70’s and who can still drink a bottle of scotch and be up the mountain (hill as they call it) before the ski lift.
His worst moment was in 1971, when his team played a major role in the Cairngorms Disaster. (feel free to Google - RAF Saltire Aircrew is a good one) When 6 School children froze to death in a Blizzard. Maggot found the one survivor. When he was with the MR his team nickname was Anus - he used to scribble Ashby on the fuel dockets for the team vehicles. On one stock check the Inspecting Officer couldn’t decipher the scribble and asked “who’s this Anus that’s had all the petrol” after that the name stuck until he became Maggot.
Now to the real story, Maggots a fen man born and bred in Suffolk. A few years ago he was working with Tim (another old Royal Engineer Mate) at a Carrot packing factory near Thetford.
The Farmer had given up farming in favour of packing carrots and slave labour.
Maggot fitted in like a square peg in a round hole. The Farmer had installed £1000,s of CCTV equipment in the factory, so that he could see the workforce were grafting from the comfort of his arm chair, glass of Scotch in hand.
The Foreman was selected both for being to scared and dim not to do his masters bidding. His normal place of work was at the end of the conveyor delivering the carrots to be sorted. Sometimes he would have to remove a bit of debris or junk ploughed up with the carrots. This was the sort of job where you have to supply all your own protective clothing. Tim’s boots had worn out so Maggot gave him a spare pair.
To be continued.
As they were standing near the conveyor Maggot placed the boots on the belt and the vanished inside the building. As they walked past the foreman, He passed a comment about the rubbish coming up with the carrots. Maggot shot back outside the building, round to the factory scrap yard. The next thing on the belt was an old tractor radiator, this was followed by a car tyre and so on.
By the end of the shift there was a large pile of scrap, a small pile of carrots and a foreman who was muttering about the poor quality of the land they were growing carrots on.
Next day Maggot found a mutant carrot, the sort they used to have on Esther Rantzen‘s that’s Life. He got one of the girls in the office to print him a label.
For the Attention of Professor A.B. O’tanist
Kew Gardens, Richmond, Surrey.
He went to the foreman and told him that the boss wanted him to put the carrot in a sealed bag, to borrow the company van and take the carrot to Kew for examination. No Way said the foreman that’s my job. He grabbed the bag from Maggot and set of for Kew Gardens. It was 6 hours later before he realised that he’d been had, and then he was too embarrassed to do anything about it.
A few weeks later heavy rain coming through a leaky roof flooded the carrot packing shed. Maggot told me it was a disaster waiting to happen because all the 400 volt electrics in the place were faulty, Covers of panels and insulation frayed and missing off the cables which were strewn all over the floor.
As a protest Maggot and Tim put 2 pallets in the deepest puddle and in full view of one of the cameras, pretended to paddle “like Saunders of the Nile” across the workshop floor. The foreman was round like a shot to hand out verbal warnings.
An hour later Maggot was back , a carrot Bag on each foot, a carrot bag covering each arm and a beak made from a jiffy bag. For 5 minutes he splashed around in the puddle only stopping when the internal phone rang.
The foreman came over, Maggot he said “the boss says I’ve got to sack you for impersonating a Duck!”
No problems said Maggot, “I was going to leave anyway, but before I go” He then put his hands at the back of the foreman’s neck so he couldn’t get away and proceeded to plant a full kiss on his lips. To which he got the full applause of the 20 or so staff that worked in the packing shed.
I advised him to take his case to an industrial tribune, they cant sack you for impersonating a Duck, and besides it would be such a funny story. He wasn’t bothered he had already lined up a new job, working for the RAF as a bird scarer.
More about that in another episode.

never-in-doubt

Handyman - you're nuts, absolutely stark raving bonkers!!

But brilliant all the same! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

handyman123_2

never-in-doubt wrote: »

Handyman - you're nuts, absolutely stark raving bonkers!!

But brilliant all the same! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

No its Maggots thats nuts, I'm only a poor understudy. I assure you he is real, and currently residing on the east coast of Scotland.

A few years ago, One of my mates phoned me "Maggots gone queer" he said. "He's living with a woman!"

Up to that point he was the eternal batchelor, I'm glad he got fixed up.
Why should he be happy all his life?

Cheers, handyman.

handyman123_2

Hi all, Handyman again with another story about my mate Maggot.
As I mentioned in my last tale, after the carrot factory he got a job working as
A Bird Scarer for a civilian company who had the contract to keep birds off the runways at RAF Marham in Norfolk.
Now Maggot was ideal for this job, as an ex RAF store man it only took him a few days to be known all around the Airfield.
His Job involved wearing a gamekeepers outfit, green moleskin trousers, green pullover and driving up and down the runway in a bright yellow 4X4 to keep Seagulls, Starlings Etc away from the Aircraft.
It wasn’t long before the whole Airfield from humble Aircraftmen to Group Captains realised he was a wind up merchant. One day it was payback.
The RAF MT (garage) had just serviced his Jeep, The whole Airfield was on standby as visiting Nato Dignitaries were there to see a full Squadron take off.
12 Tornado Jets taking of 3 at a time.
Maggot was driving thought one of the Aircraft dispersal points, (this is where they get the aircraft ready to move onto the runway). It was a scene from WW2.
Pilots and Ground crew playing cricket, men lying on the grass resting. Flight line operators fuelling the Aircraft and Armourers hanging Rockets from the wings.
Maggot widow down, sleeves rolled up, Ray bans on thought it best if he made it look like he was doing his job, so he hit the tape machine in the jeep. It was supposed to play bird fright sounds, like the sound an alarmed Seagull would make. (we used to call it strangled chicken sounds).
But instead of the sound of an alarmed Starling coming from the loud speaker at 200 decibels‘, Came a very camp voice, saying “Shoo Shoo get off my Runway you naughty birds, go on Shoo, Pish off”.
Maggot slid down behind the steering wheel as far as he could. As he looked in his rear-view mirror all he could see was 50 or more of the RAF’s finest doubled up with laughter or rolling on the floor. Some one in the MT section had got revenge by recording over his tape.
What goes around comes around, just ask my mate.