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Help - What to do when they won't accept it's over.

24

Comments

  • I'm not letting you end this.

    Tough, you don't have any choice.
    .....

  • euronorris
    euronorris Posts: 12,247 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper PPI Party Pooper
    Agree with the others. You have to be cruel to be kind and that means cutting all contact. At least until the message has sunk in.

    I dated someone like this for a short while, and he reacted the same way when I ended it. But after a few days, I realised that ANY response from me, was seen as 'interest' from his side. So, I stopped responding to the emails, calls, texts, removed him from my facebook etc etc. He stopped trying after a couple weeks.

    Sad thing is, I now can't trust him to be just friends with me. He was a really nice guy and would've been an excellent friend if it wasn't for this. But, I knew that maintaining the friendship would only have led to him being more hurt. Not to mention drive me crazy!

    Start cutting the ties immediately. I know it seems harsh and you'll most likely feel like a b'tch, but it really is the best thing for both of you.
    February wins: Theatre tickets
  • I agree with the complete cut off of contact he obviously wont take the hint so you are going to have to be firm. :-)
    :jFriends are like fabric you can never have enough:j
  • Gothdolly wrote: »
    He keeps telling me how much he loves me and when I tactfully and as nicely as possible tell him that I don't feel the same he says well I'm not throwing nearly 5 years away.

    This bit is your problem. People often make the mistake of trying to break-up 'nicely' - fine if neither of you has really strong feelings and are okay about accepting it, but otherwise, being 'nice' is just stringing the other person along and opening yourself to more and more aggravation and no acceptance that it's over - as you've found to your cost.

    I had an ex who refused to give up. I spent too much time trying to convince him 'nicely' that he had no hope, and truthfully I wasn't doing either of us any favours. It only ended when I got tough, and brutal - and we both benefitted from that in the end, although it didn't feel like it in the short-term.

    Tell him once more, nicely, that it's over and there's no going back, and that if he won't accept it then you will cut yourself off from him completely for both your sakes. Then stop answering his phone calls, hang up immediately if he rings, walk away from him if he tries to talk to you when you're out, give him no eye contact, no communication, no encouragement at all until he gets the message.

    And if he still persists after that - he's not an ex-boyfriend any more, he's a stalker, and you take it to the police.
  • Hermia
    Hermia Posts: 4,473 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    This bit is your problem. People often make the mistake of trying to break-up 'nicely' - fine if neither of you has really strong feelings and are okay about accepting it, but otherwise, being 'nice' is just stringing the other person along and opening yourself to more and more aggravation and no acceptance that it's over - as you've found to your cost.

    I totally agree.

    I think it is perfectly possible to be friends with an ex, but not straight away. It can only happen after you have had time apart, dated other people and now view the relationship as being firmly in the past. I don't think it's possible to be mates when emotions are still raw. I also think some men just find it very hard to see women as just friends. I definitely don't think you can be mates with someone who is acting like your bloke is.
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Just Say No. And keep saying it.
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • Cut all contact, Block his number on your phone, make it clear to your friends you are not together and haven't been for a long time (nothing more needs to be said). Then arrange some girlie nights out, outside your norm (maybe a different club or a change of bar, an anne summer party at yours or maybe to go speed-dating with the girls so its clear to them your single). Also see if you can extend your normal social circle so your not hanging with mutual friends all the time and change your routines if you can. Try something you've always wanted to but haven't before (gothic bellydancing anyone?).
  • movingon
    movingon Posts: 539 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Name Dropper
    Take it from me: Whilst you are giving out mixed messages to him (and to yourself) you will never move on. It is nice to revert to the comfy slippers of knowing someone loves you, even if you don't love them. However whilst your head is full of how to handle him, you are not being open to the possiblities of other relationships and to outward appearances you are not yet free and single. You decided three years ago- as hard as it is, now you have to act on it. Be strong. Say Goodbye. For both your sakes.
  • Thank you everyone for the excellent advice.

    I obviously need to stop being a friend to him and stop all contact. I will tell him tomorrow again, my child will be away for the weekend and so I won't have to tread as carefully as if they were here.

    Sadly I don't have any family so childcare is an issue for me.

    I feel very positive now and I will tell him that if he continues to contact me when I have told him not to that I will report him to the police, that is contact of any kind.

    I'll also stop going out with the group of friends for a while at least, then there won't be any fear of bumping into him via that route.

    I do appreciate you all taking the time to reply, I needed an outside opinion.

    Thank you.
  • tanith
    tanith Posts: 8,091 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    I agree with all thats been said, and don't for one minute think he won't search for you if you move house and you would be back to square one... why should you and your child have to go through that because of one saddo... the guys on here will keep you strong if you feel like you need support... good luck and let us know how it goes...if it means a big row then so be it..get your life back
    #6 of the SKI-ers Club :j

    "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Edmund Burke
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