Help - What to do when they won't accept it's over.

Gothdolly

I'm looking for some 'outside input' from you lovely folks please.

This may be long!

I've been seeing a guy for almost 5 years, we don't live together and don't have any children together, I have an 11 year old from my previous marriage. The first 2 years were ok then I realised that I didn't love him anymore, nothing in particular that he or I'd done, just that I didn't have any feelings for him. I did speak to him about it and said I needed a break as I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue our relationship, I didn't feel that I loved him anymore.

It felt that seeing him was becoming a chore.

Since then I've tried to end our relationship, I don't love him (he insists that it's just a phase and that I'll change my mind) I'm not that keen on his company either anymore. I have told him that I don't love him on quite a few occassions but it's like he refuses to believe me, that's where the problem lies - I think.

I want to move on with my life, there isn't anyone else I'm interested in I just don't want to be his girlfriend anymore. I haven't slept with him in well over a year, I won't kiss him, hold hands or anything like, why? because I don't love him and no matter how many times I tell him he still won't leave me alone. I won't let him stay over at my house either.

We do get on well but for me it's as mates, we share very similar interests etc, but when we do go out most of the time I wish he wasn't there, he stands there constantly complaining about anything and everything that could be wrong with the venue or people there, rather than try and have a good time.

He's annoyed with me for not going out with him this weekend, I had already told him I was meeting a friend (female) on Saturday night, a friend I've not seen for months and wouldn't get the chance to see again for at least 4 weeks.

He keeps telling me how much he loves me and when I tactfully and as nicely as possible tell him that I don't feel the same he says well I'm not throwing nearly 5 years away. The last three years I've felt like this and I've told him until I'm blue in the face. I'm not a horrible person and I've ended it with him so many times but he won't accept it, he keeps coming to my house, sending flowers, phoning me, emailing me etc.... I feel that the only thing I can do is move away from the area to get rid of him! A bit extreme as my child is settled at school and I love my house.

I've not told him where I'm going on Saturday as I know he'd turn up and spoil it.

I feel my life is shrouded by a black cloud that is him and I can't seem to get away from it.

I'm 42 and he's 39.

I could ramble on and on but I'm trying to stick to the point.

Any words of wisdom will be greatfully received.

Zazen999

Yes, you can either be in a relationship or not - if not then you can't just be mates. If you keep seeing him he will still think he has a chance at a reconciliation.

The only way you will get out of this is to stop seeing him. Totally.

Otherwise this will ramble on and on.....Just end it.

Throw the flowers in the bin, change phone numbers, and tell him if he keeps coming round you will go to the police and get an injunction for harassment. Don't answer the door. But be clear that you do not want a relationship of any kind with him.....and stick to it.

Gothdolly

That's a good point about the reconciliation, I hadn't thought of it like that.

I've changed phone numbers before now (he gets my numbers off friends) and told him to take away the gifts as I don't want them.

For me I felt it was a bit heavy to call the police but it may end up being the only way if he keeps coming round.

We share the same group of friends so we end up being at the same places a lot of the time which doesn't help. I guess being firm and standing my ground is the only way.

usedandabused

Gothdolly wrote: »

That's a good point about the reconciliation, I hadn't thought of it like that.

I've changed phone numbers before now (he gets my numbers off friends) and told him to take away the gifts as I don't want them.

For me I felt it was a bit heavy to call the police but it may end up being the only way if he keeps coming round.

We share the same group of friends so we end up being at the same places a lot of the time which doesn't help. I guess being firm and standing my ground is the only way.

no offence, being a newbie and all, but your ex sounds a few sandwiches short of a picnic, the reason i say this, as hard as it may be to accept a relationship is over, behaviour like this is unacceptable.

If i was you, please make sure you make your position clear, avoid being around him, so what if you share the same group of friends, tell them you meet them alone, without him around, or you go make some new friends.

make sure none of your mutual friends will pass on your number and if he keeps turning up, call the police, and stay safe please!

Pollycat

I agree with Zazen999, by seeing this guy, you're giving him false hope.
He obviously can't accept the fact that you don't want him, so you have to be cruel to be kind.

STOP seeing him.
Tell him you won't accept any flowers or gifts he sends you.
Tell him you will delete any emails from him without reading them.
Same with texts.
Tell him you will not answer any calls from him.
Tell him he is not welcome at your house and if he persists, you will take action to stop him.

That sounds awful - but what option do you have?
You've tried the 'softly, softly' approach and all that's got you is 3 years further down the line and he's still not got the message.

He keeps telling me how much he loves me and when I tactfully and as nicely as possible tell him that I don't feel the same he says well I'm not throwing nearly 5 years away.

Maybe you've been too tactfull and too nice - he's not getting the message, is he?
Tell him it's not HIS choice - YOU don't want him as a partner.

Good luck.

Zazen999

Tell your friends not to give your number out!!!

Or when his number comes up, don't answer.

Don't tell him to take the things away; tell him that you throw them anyway so he may as well keep his cash....

If he is in a group of friends; you might need to tell him
a - it's over
b - you don't want to have to make a scene every time you go out
c - get over it - behave or he won't see you again ever....

[And I like Pollycat's response of - 'its not his decision'.....and perhaps it was his lack of seeing things from your point of view that sparked your lack on interest in the relationship - so it became a self-fulfilling prophesy and you have no option but to be out of that relationship]....

paddy's_mum

"I'm not throwing nearly five years away". Is this man so arrogant that he thinks there's only one person in this relationship?

Couldn't agree more with Zazen. The remedy for this is in your own hands but you must follow through with determination. You can't say no one month but then weaken and say okay the next.

Don't bin the flowers - decline to accept them from the florist so that they contact him and tell him they have been refused.

Have call recognition on your phone and refuse to answer any call that you can't identify. If he persists, simply hang up each and every time he phones.

The same circle of friends could actually work in your favour when you say to him "if you keep hassling me, I will call the Police and then everyone will know how close to a stalker you are- do you want that embarrassment?"

To ignore everything you say, and fail to comprehend the not sleeping together for a year, indicates that this man has a skin like a rhino so unfortunately, you may have to tough it out for quite a while.

Can you arrange to have a friend or family member round (or go out yourself leaving child with grandma for a sleepover) every evening for a week or two after you end it simply to reinforce your determination during the period he's most likely to react with persistent and spiteful phone calls?

Whiteknight

I have to agree with what Zanen999 has said. If you don't want a relationship with him then just being mates is not going to work either as he will always be looking to reconcile with you. It seems that this has gone on for years and he has not gotten the message about how you feel about him.

I am sure he would be upset but you really do need to distance yourself from him so that both of you can get on with your lives.

lostinrates

Your relationship has lumbered on for five years and been like this for longer than it was good....so you have given him planty of evidence you WILL accept him hanging around in hope.

The only option, and I think you need to do it for him as much as you, is to cut all contact and ask friends not to forward number. If they do forward a number you know they are not really very good friends, so those that have given it to him before - don't give them your number either!

Expecting someone who is obviously at the very least enamored of you to be in your life in such a way is really, perhaps a little misleading, because while you have been honest with him in one sense, in another allowing him proximity and such intimacy of conversation (I would just say ''I've told you how I feel, I'm not going to talk about this, I think you should go now'') has in fact meant there is something still happening...albeit not something either of you are totally happy with. After such a long time I think no contact is the best option for everyone. (Including your 11 year old who could be getting a very confused idea of healthy relationships from this).

Good luck.

Person_one

I'm a bit confused. You say you've 'tried' to end the relationship and that you've 'been seeing a guy' in the present tense. Have you actually ended it or are you hoping he'll get the hint and bug off?

You need to be really really really clear that the relationship is over. Have the big dramatic break up scene if you must to make it obvious. How often do you still se each other? Do you refer to him as your boyfriend, do the mutual friends still think you're a couple, albeit a casual one?

smileypigface

I agree that you have to be firm and give a consistent message that you are no longer in a relationship with him.

To be fair, you 'ended' it 3 years ago, but only stopped sleeping with him a year ago (many apologies if I read that wrong from your first post). So, you have set a bit of a precedent that in the past you've told him it's over but, in his eyes, he has managed to re-kindle the flame - and if you were sleeping with him it is probably understandable that he thought you were both back together properly.

So now you have to make sure there are no mixed messages being given out - there doesn't seem much point changing your phone number, as you say mutual friends have it anyway - but if he rings then send the call direct to answerphone, and if he is persistent then turn the phone off for half an hour or so. If he texts you then don't on any account reply - not even to say "go away" - any kind of response could be seen as giving some hope of embarking into a conversation.

If he turns up at your door, do not answer it - obviously if he then creates a scene outside your door you can call the police - but don't enter into discussion with him about why you aren't answering the door.

If he turns up at social gatherings then be polite and acknowledge him but remove yourself from any conversation he joins. Be calm, be polite and be consistent and be adult about the whole thing. You may have to be the 'bigger' person and not attend big group social gatherings for a while - you could maybe arrange to get together with the wide circle of friends in smaller groups so you aren't seen as trying to make the big group choose between the two of you as friends - if you do get together with mutual friends do not enter into any kind of discussion about your ex - maintain a dignified silence on the subject - as often innocent things people say are repeated and 'changed' slightly and it might appear that you are trying to manipulate situations. Maybe a few plausible excuses as to why you can't make the next few big gatherings. It is possible for you both to move in the same social circle as long as you are careful not to make any of the mutual friends feel like they are having to 'take sides'.

It sounds like he is the type who will pester you, but I feel you have to accept some responsibility for him holding out some hope of you carrying on as before, because that's what you allowed to happen before. So now you have to be the 'bigger person' by keeping a calmly consistent exterior and not reacting to anything he tries to get your attention, as any kind of reaction will just 'fan the flames'.

Good luck x