just a bit of advice

poppyscorner

Hi all,

A long time since i posted here so may be out of practice lol anyways heres the situation ........

My ex husband and i split in june 2008 he left for another woman and i was left with our 2 sons ds1 now 7yrs and ds 2 now 3yrs (in march) when he left i contacted a solicitor almost immediately and at that time he was working self employed as a roofer he was earning really good money when we were together so the solicitor suggested mainainance of £60 pw for the children plus £100 for clothing uniform etc for the children which was to be paid at the beginning of the summer holidays each year this was not legalised or legally binding in any way, i think i received about £240 in total from him before inevitably the excuses started there was no work etc etc however his lifestyle did not match up to what he said and basically he was pulling a fast one he was having holidays and bought a new car new clothes mobile phones etc etc.

On top of this he really really made my life hell he was awkward with the children dipping in and out when he felt like it he would come to collect them on his terms and when it fitted his and his g/f new life I never stopped him seeing our boys they loved him regardless of what he had done and i genuinely wanted them to enjoy a relationship even though it was incredibly hard for me because of the way he acted the kids were walking into a battleground every time he arrived and began a row. In January last year he gave hadnt paid any maintainance in months and i thought enough was enough and I contacted the CSA they said they would contact him he said as i expected that he had no income and wasnt working and his only income was tax credits (unsure as to how he got these he lived at home with his mother not working no other kids living there ??) then last March I met my new partner and fell in love again this made the situation with the ex worse and he got more verbally abusive after that it dragged on for months he bagan to claim job seekers allowance and the CSA collected 10 per fortnight from his benefit and paid it to me then in may last year he got a new job in a factory he is paid minimum wage (this is true).

In august last year things came to a head at home with the rowing and after days and days of constant text messages and phonecalls all trying to start a row I was worn out and i went to the police to ask them about speaking to him about harassment they agreed and I also contacted a solicitor to say that from that point forward he would be granted access to our children only if a third party collected and dropped them off or one was available for me to do the dropping off/collecting he fought me tooth and nail over this but eventually agreed by october that i could drop them at his mothers house the CSA still hadn't made any assesment on his wages and he paid small amounts again when he felt like it and i knew there would be arrears outstanding once assesment was made. In late october the assesment was eventually made and at the same time he split with his girlfriend (amazingly he left her for another lol) he began paying regular maintainance his weekly amount x 4 every calendar month and he has done since an arrears payment schedule was sent in november last year he disputed it and said he wasnt paying and then that was the end of that or so he thought ..........

Yesterday the CSA contacted me and asked what he has been paying i gave them all the figures and she said he had £400 ish in arrears I said yes and they contacted him. He rang me yesterday threatening to quit his job he cant afford to live he also pays maintainance to another woman for a daughter he has the CSA had asked him to repay the money owed at a rate of around £70 per month which took his maintainance bill up to just over £300 per month.

Since he split with the g/f and got with this new one my partner has moved in with us and we are fairly comfortable financially the ex has settled down and to be fair has been good with the boys he has apologised(before the CSA got in touch) about how he acted and he sees them every other weekend without fail so as far as our children are concerned things have settled he is acting adult and reasonable these days and we are on civil speaking terms now i still drop the children at his mothers house to drop off but he comes out to get them now instead of her but we aren't rowing i'm still unsure of him and i can get in my car and drive away if i feel things are getting heated (havent needed to do this though)

He asked me to forget the arrears I said i wouldnt when all this began times were really hard for me and the children and i'm lucky my parents were around to make sure they didnt go without anything i am a student nurse and i really struggled to make ends meet but now that has changed new partner has a very good job and we are comfortable financially so i guess im collecting the arrears on a matter of principal the maintainance money i get i save for the boys future and thats what i intend to do with these arrears i feel really guilty though i know i dont need the money desperately and i believe it when he says it will leave him short i think the CSA are being too hard on him when they have allowed it to drag on this long before doing anything about it.

Which brings me to my question what should I do now ? Do I allow them to collect as they plan to ? do i intervene and ask them to not be so hard ? or do I just come to an arrangement with him swallow the risk he may not pay and ask him to contribute to his arrears on a monthly basis ? I just feel i know what its like to struggle financially i did it for long enough and while things are settled and civil for the children i would like it to stay that way they are much happier now and they are obviously my priority and i don't want to go back to war with the ex i hated it first time round its tiring and counter productive just would really like an outside view on this and other peoples opinions and experiences

Thanks in advance x

shell_542

Its quite possible that the amount they aree asking for is too much and the risk of him quittong his job is quite real too. Some are left with very little option but to quit. The CSA could then accuse him of leaving to avoid paying and still demand he pays the high amount ... but in all reality, if he has no income, where's he going to magic the money from?

I've never been in your situation but just from lots of reading I would probably ask the CSA to suspend the arrears for the time being. Although this will depend on whether you wer e on Income Support at any time while the arrears were clocking up. If you were, at least some of the money will be owed to the government and the CSA will not write it off.

If they will let you suspend the arrewars collection for now, but leave it there just in case for the future, I would continue through the CSA just in case he does start playing up again.

Good of you to even consider it x

kelloggs36

The arrears are for the past period when you were struggling and are legally due to you. However, you are the only one who can decide whether or not you want them. I don't know him, but if it were my ex I know he would be trying to manipulate me into dropping the arrears by being nice- and then reverting to how he was before when he got his way.

How much are you talking altogether? You can ask the CSA to collect over a longer period of time if you are happy - so he is left with more money but you still get what is owed to you.

mighty_hammers

i think you will find that if you have received any benefits for yourself or your children the csa will insist on the repayments being made. i have a 14yr old, split from my husband when he was 13months. I had to repeatedly give my ex's info to get any money off him. all was well until he got remarried and had two more kids. each time i got less to raise our son. last year he split from his wife he is being horrid to her and doesn't pay me for 3 months. now im lucky if i get half. at the same time the CSA are taking him to court for arrears of about 8k. I was receiving benefits when we split and he was supposed to make up the difference. since they stared court proceeding he will not speak to me. he probably has seen his son 10 times in the last 5 years so the money was at least his contribution, now i don't even have that. he doesnt see his daughters either.