how much is a reasonable amount?

katiesmummy

Condensed version....

OH & I living together, I have 2 kids and he has a dd aged 3 who we have to stay with us regularly. Out of the past 3 months she has stayed with her dad (and myself for the past few weeks) for about 3/4 of that time.

Oh has been giving her mum £100 a week out of his wages since they split over a yr ago including the times that dd is with him, which puts a huge strain on him- he does it because he feels guilty about the split, guilty that he doesn't live with dd etc.

Fast forward to last week, oh had a car crash and broke both legs which are now in casts. Obviously he isn't going to be able to work for some time so I am frantically applying for every single job I can find in order to put food on the table and pay the bills. His dr reckons he is looking at a minimum of 6 months off work maybe longer as he rides a motorbike all day for work.

Regardless of what type of job I get, I know there is no way under the sun we will be able to afford to pay £100 a week for my dsd- I haven't worked for 5 yrs so my wage prospects aren't fantastic.

My question is this- what would be a reasonable amount to offer oh's ex as maintenance? She has another child by her new husband and he works full time. I don't really know what would be 'right' to offer if you know what I mean!

Thanks for reading

Loopy_Girl

Are they on speaking terms?

Could he explain the situ and see what she says?

Everyone will have a different opinion of how much should be paid I'm afraid.
As a guide, if your hubby has no income then he (according to CSA rules) would be liable to pay nothing. I don't think this would sit comfy with him reading between the lines, but it may make whatever decision you make a little easier.

katiesmummy

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Are they on speaking terms?

Could he explain the situ and see what she says?

Everyone will have a different opinion of how much should be paid I'm afraid.
As a guide, if your hubby has no income then he (according to CSA rules) would be liable to pay nothing. I don't think this would sit comfy with him reading between the lines, but it may make whatever decision you make a little easier.

Thanks for replying. Yes they are on speaking terms- he rung her on saturday and told her what had happened and her first question was 'your still having dd next week right'? up until recently she held a card from his bank account until i persuaded him to cancel it cos she was taking out money whenever she felt like it and then denying it- don't ask me why she bothered to deny it cos it was taken out in the area she lives in!! Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with her and I believe that we should support his dd- he took my children on when he moved in with me, why shouldn't the same rule apply to me, its what being a family is all about.

He's scared that if we don't pay the same amount that she will stop us from seeing his dd. Its not so much her, its her new husband- he doesn't particularly like my dsd and doesn't see why he should support a child that isn't his, even though he is married to her mother

speedster

what's good for the goose etc.

your OH supports your children as they are in the same house as him, the same goes to his ex's husband really.

in the eyes of the csa, he pays 15% of his net income. end of. if he's not earning, then he cant pay.

any tax credits you recieve will be liable as his income and she will get 15% of that.

basically, if you are kind enough to offer whatever amount you feel comfortable with and she throws her toys out of the pram, then tell her to speak to the csa and see waht they say.

chances are, she'll return with her tail between her legs accepting your offer.

it also appears that you are built in babysitters, so i very much doubt if she'll try the contact blocking route.

Loopy_Girl

Hmmmm...what a sterling stepfather is he eh? Clearly didn't want to take the full role when he married your hubby's ex.

At the end of the day, you can't give what you don't have. If that was her first question then it would indicate that contact is more important than money.

It's a tricky thing and in no way should the child not see their Dad. I suppose you (or your hubby) can only explain that you don't have the same income coming in, contact will not stop (am assuming that you will be able to cope okay since he is laid up) and you can offer £X amount. But make it reasonable...there's no point you working and paying her X amount if you are struggling to put food on the table.
Essentially you are going out to work for the whole family so I think you are quite right to say that your family comes before hers. Harsh but true.

£100pw for 1 child is a huge amount and I can see that it will be a gap for the ex but your husband could try to pacify (and make himself feel better as well) that when he is back in work, he will pay a little extra on top of the normal maintenance to make up for this.

What a shame...it must be an awfully worrying time for you...I hope it goes okay and that your hubby gets well soon

Sparkles79

If over the past few months she has stayed with you for three quarters of the time and you can see that continuing for the forseeable....then I would seriously consider not paying her at all and asking her for child support. £100 a week for not actually having the child the majority of the time is scandalous. Unless I have misread, in which case I apologise.

AnxiousMum

Sparkles I thought the same thing - if the child is with the OP and the father for 3/4 of the time, should the ex not be paying them child support?

£100 per week does seem a large amount for one child - sounds like your OH is possibly a courier, a police officer or an ambulance attendant if on a motorcycle all day for work - none of which I think earn a salary that would be ordered to pay £100 per week for one child under csa rules, let alone if he has the child 3/4 of the time.

If the ex's new husband doesn't like the daughter, is that really the best place for her to be? Maybe that's why she's with you so much.

If the ex goes ballistic over a smaller amount, you might want to work out what amount the CSA would order, and just point out that you (might have been) have been paying over and above for the past year, and that should show you all have the best interests of the daughter at heart.

What would be 'fair' and 'reasonable' basically comes down to you guys - on your income, and based on what you have to provide for in terms of current family situation would dictate what you could afford to offer. Given that the daughter is with you so much, you also need to factor in the needs for her while with you, and it may balance out that 'nothing' is a reasonable amount. You guys provide for her when with you 3/4 of the time, the mother also needs to contribute to the child, and given that she needs to provide a bedroom etc., the fact that she has to find the food for the one week out of four shouldn't be an issue.

katiesmummy

Sparkles79 wrote: »

If over the past few months she has stayed with you for three quarters of the time and you can see that continuing for the forseeable....then I would seriously consider not paying her at all and asking her for child support. £100 a week for not actually having the child the majority of the time is scandalous. Unless I have misread, in which case I apologise.

nope you haven't misread at all. my partner and i moved in together 4 weeks ago, dsd was with us for 3 weeks and 4 days of that time, till her mum collected her last week friday to be returning tomorrow. previous to that dsd was staying with oh at his mums a lot of the time, and would come here while oh was at work, sometimes going back to grans overnight, sometimes not.
i agree with you that it is a lot of money regardless of how much his dd is here- he doesn't earn a huge amount of money and we have really struggled tbh. having said that, dsd is oh's responsibility- i knew this when we moved in together therefore i can't say 'no your having nothing' just because he can't work- its not his fault and its not dsd's fault either, she shouldn't have to go without.

regarding contact- i am really not sure what will happen regarding this- up until last week i would look after dsd while oh was at work, now he's laid up and i will be working i really don't know what to do. her mum lives at the other end of the country now so its not like we can just have her for the weekend- if we do have her it has to be for at least a week as it costs a fortune to get there to collect her by train, and her mum is getting more and more reluctant to drive down towards us, even to a halfway point.

sorry, i'm waffling now so i'll be quiet, as i am still no closer to a decision on what to do!

Sparkles79

Well, try the CSA websites calculator on his normal wage and averaging out contact for your stepdaughter. I would be extremely surprised if that gave you an answer of £100 a week. Use that information as a guide as to what to do in the future and speak to the mother with regards to this.

However, it sounds like at the moment your partner is paying the mother when in fact she is essentially the non resident parent and your partner is the parent with care.
As a mother myself, I could not contemplate leaving my child for the bulk of a month without seeing them. Also I could not collect £400 from my ex when the child was with me for only 3 days of the 4 weeks.
She is also collecting child benefit for the child (I'm guessing) for a child she is barely looking after. It sounds like she is happy to not see the child but collect massive sums of money, also if the new husband is not all that keen on having your stepdaughter around then perhaps its best if you look at making it a permanent arrangement and save your stepdaughter a lot of heartache from being around someone who wants her mother but not her.

katiesmummy

it says £18 :eek::eek::eek:

Sparkles79

Perhaps once he is back at work suggest something reasonable (£25? up to you) and if she don't like it she can go to CSA and get less. In the meantime is up to you £5 a week shows willing and is prob more than or equal to what the CSA would make him pay....