Advice Please.........

viclspence

I split from my ex 5 years ago and took our daughter with me. At the time he said he wouldn't pay me any maintenance because it was my decision to go, after a lot of arguing he finally agreed to pay me £20 a month.

After about 6 months he upped it to £40 a month. At this point I decided to go to the CSA who told him he should be paying nearer £300 a month. His background is that at the time he worked on a farm working 100 hours a week in the summer and 50 hours a week normally. He earned around £15k a year before any overtime, but during the summer he was making his monthly wage in a week. He paid no rent or council tax as it was part of his employment benefit. He is now a farm manager on a different farm that he moved to to be 'closer to his daughter'.

I fell soft. He rang me and said he couldn't pay that and he would up it to £80 a month, which I said I would accept for a while and stood the CSA down.

I then married and had another child. He currently pays me £140 a month, when he manages to count it correctly. He refuses to pay me by direct credit, insists on cash.

As for seeing my daughter, it's a very sore point. He sees her as and when 'he can'. Which is meant to be alternate weekends, but most weekends he has arranged to do something else and so can't have her, or says she can go to his mums and he will see her there but never turns up. On many occasions he will say he is picking her up from school but then at 1pm tells me that he can't so i have to make alternative arrangements. In the summer (which in the farming world is March to October) he hardly sees her at all. He is now a farm manager so i know he is earning good money. When he does have her (for example october half term being the first time he has had her for her birthday) he actually physically saw her for 2 days out of 7. The other days she was either with his girlfriend (which has changed many times in the last few years, probably because my daughter usually gets landed on them) or his mum.

Basically, my question is, should I go back to the CSA. Will the days spent with his mother be included in his hours that he has her? Technically on paper he will say he has her 52 nights a year, but the truth is it is far from this.

If i had a choice he wouldn't see her at all, but I know I can't make this decision. My ex keeps telling me that my daughter when she reaches 11 |(to go to grammar school) is going to live with him and when i ask how on earth he will look after her he tells me that it'll be fine cos his girlfriend/wife at the time will be at home when she gets home from school and also that my daughter will be able to fend for herself somewhat by then.

She loves going to his mums - because his mum has a horse and she gets to ride it!

Rant over.:mad:

kelloggs36

It depends on why you are considering the CSA - if you feel that the amount he gives you is fair, then there is no reason to rock the boat, but if it is costing you more and you feel he is paying you less for selfish reasons then go for it. The 52 nights per year should be nights that the child spends with the NRP and so shouldn't count but will his mother admit that he isn't there or is she likely to back him up? Either way, would 1 night per week reduction make a big difference?

Ignore his jibes about your daughter living with you - it won't happen unless he can prove that you are unfit!

Mojisola

viclspence wrote: »

He currently pays me £140 a month, when he manages to count it correctly. He refuses to pay me by direct credit, insists on cash.

This is foolish on his part. There is no way he would be able to prove to the CSA that he paid you anything. There are fathers on here who have been landed with massive payments because their exs lie about cash that was given to them for child support.

As for seeing my daughter, it's a very sore point. He sees her as and when 'he can'. Which is meant to be alternate weekends, but most weekends he has arranged to do something else and so can't have her, or says she can go to his mums and he will see her there but never turns up. On many occasions he will say he is picking her up from school but then at 1pm tells me that he can't so i have to make alternative arrangements. In the summer (which in the farming world is March to October) he hardly sees her at all. He is now a farm manager so i know he is earning good money. When he does have her (for example october half term being the first time he has had her for her birthday) he actually physically saw her for 2 days out of 7. The other days she was either with his girlfriend (which has changed many times in the last few years, probably because my daughter usually gets landed on them) or his mum.

If you're not doing it already, keep a diary of all the arrangements that are made and all the changes that happen and all the times your daughter is looked after by his series of girlfriends rather than him.

Unless there was a big problem with you, I can't see how he could take your daughter away, especially as you will be able to show how erratic his care has been.

viclspence

Thanks for your replies.

The main reason for going through the CSA would be to make sure I got the money at the same time each month. It is meant to be the 1st of the month, but obviously if he doesn't have her or 'he forgets to got to the cashpoint' it can be a lot later. And also it would mean I wouldn't have to actually see him, i could just send her out the door and make sure she gets in the car! He does make me ask every time for the money, which makes me feel about 2 foot tall!

Today she has gone to her grandmas again. It is meant to be my weekend but the horse beckoned and he asked her if she wanted to go riding, immediately she said yes. I know he isn't going to be there as he was out lastnight and had told me that last weekend. In return I have asked that I have her next sunday so that she can go see my sister as it is her birthday, i'm not holding my breath. It is very much one rule for one and a totally different one for him!

Mojisola

Internet playing up - posted twice!

Mojisola

viclspence wrote: »

The main reason for going through the CSA would be to make sure I got the money at the same time each month. It is meant to be the 1st of the month, but obviously if he doesn't have her or 'he forgets to got to the cashpoint' it can be a lot later. And also it would mean I wouldn't have to actually see him, i could just send her out the door and make sure she gets in the car! He does make me ask every time for the money, which makes me feel about 2 foot tall!

Today she has gone to her grandmas again. It is meant to be my weekend but the horse beckoned and he asked her if she wanted to go riding, immediately she said yes. I know he isn't going to be there as he was out lastnight and had told me that last weekend. In return I have asked that I have her next sunday so that she can go see my sister as it is her birthday, i'm not holding my breath. It is very much one rule for one and a totally different one for him!

I can't see any reason why you shouldn't go through the CSA.

In the meantime you can stop feeling put down by him - he is the one in the wrong for not paying up on time. Mentally run through how you can deal with this so that you feel strong when you remind him that he hasn't kept his side of the agreement. In some situations it's true that we give others power over ourselves and we can change this.

As he changed the arrangements this weekend, I don't see why you have to ask his permission about next weekend. Tell him that's what's happening. He has a strong hand in the bribery power of the horse and you will probably have to talk to your daughter about how it won't always be possible to visit granny and the horse because other things are planned at the weekends.

shell_542

Is he a PAYE employer or self employed? He might cause more trouble if he is self employed and has to use the CSA.

viclspence

Mojisola wrote: »

I can't see any reason why you shouldn't go through the CSA.

In the meantime you can stop feeling put down by him

This is actually the main reason why we split up - he has always treated me exactly the same!

[/QUOTE]he is the one in the wrong for not paying up on time. Mentally run through how you can deal with this so that you feel strong when you remind him that he hasn't kept his side of the agreement. In some situations it's true that we give others power over ourselves and we can change this. [/QUOTE]

He sees it as a 'favour' that he gives me anything at all!

[/QUOTE]As he changed the arrangements this weekend, I don't see why you have to ask his permission about next weekend. Tell him that's what's happening. He has a strong hand in the bribery power of the horse and you will probably have to talk to your daughter about how it won't always be possible to visit granny and the horse because other things are planned at the weekends.[/QUOTE]

Summer 2009 had been the worst yet for saying he would have my daughter then letter us down at the last minute - my dh and I have started telling my daughter exactly what her dad is doing, where as in the past we have made excuses for him, we have had enough. She is starting to come round to the idea but as he suggests going to grannys more and more and going riding it seems to be a solution for her that she, unfortunately, is happy with.

Up until now we have tried not to bribe her to stay at home and are trying to stick to it. When i first broke from her father I used to buy her things just to keep her for the weekends I had her as he wanted to see her every weekend - we broke up in November 04 and it was a good 6 months before he got busy at work!

We will see what happens when he rings during the week. My sister is planning on having a big of a shin dig at my parents house so it's not as if i am lying about having somewhere to go!

Mojisola

As a farm manager, he should be on PAYE.

If he sees his contribution to his daughter's upbringing as a "favour" then I'd definitely be off to the CSA!

viclspence

Mojisola wrote: »

As a farm manager, he should be on PAYE.

If he sees his contribution to his daughter's upbringing as a "favour" then I'd definitely be off to the CSA!

I might give them a ring next week. Obviously i'll be telling them the truth that he has given me money since we split, couldn't tell you when he upped it and to what amounts, i just know that at the minute it's £140 and has been for the last 5 months, before that it was £120 - the extra £20, i was informed, was because of his new job as farm manager, i'm pretty sure that this won't reflect the extra he got as i know, from my daughter, that he got a nice new, larger house!

I some how need to get his new address, had his old one but as I said, he has moved! Will just a phone number do?

Also, my DH doesn't want to get too involved as my daugher isn't his and knows that he will lose it with my ex if he starts interfering. My ex hardly says 2 words to him when he sees him anyway!

CSA_Debt_Bod

Hi viclspence,
You don't need to mention anything to the CSA about your ex giving you money since you split, as this would be of no importance to them. He only becomes liable for CSA payments from when a case is opened, and anything that has happened before is irrelevant. They couldn't for example make him pay more because he hadn't paid you anything before you opened a CSA case, or ask him for less because he did pay you.

If you provide the CSA with your ex's date of birth and his last address (his national insurance number would be helpful too, if you know it) it should be reasonably easy for them to find out his new address. If he has a mortgage or bank account his new address will be traceable through the credit reference agency that the CSA uses.

Just one word of warning for you - don't assume that by going through the CSA you will start to receive payments regularly and on time. He will still be able to mess you about a fair amount by paying late and get away with it!