Suggestions please.

mehefin

How do I get O/H to accept that we are living beyond our means when she takes the view that life is for living and sod tomorrow. There is some history here, in that she had breast cancer 5yrs ago ( fortunately now has the all clear) and at that point we DID re-evaluate our lives and started the slippery slope in to deeper debt.
I dont wish, at this stage, to post an SOA - I have already done all the obvious, and not so obvious things - and have had a modicum of success in getting some of her debt transfered to a low LOB card but she still clings to the belief that there is plenty of collateral in the house etc and doesnt seem to grasp the long term.
I love her dearly and just want suggestions from all the good folk on here to try and bring the subject more to the forefront of her mind, without being too blunt. Have got her , at last , into recycling so have hopes that i can build on this.
Unfortunately will be off line for a while, but will be glad to pick up on your suggestions on my return.
Thank you all in advance. i know its not an easy subjectto broach with a loved one!!!!

Wonder_Girl

Post your SOA, wait for replies and make her read it?

Might make her see what the real situation is and bring on a lightbulb moment when she reads some of the replies

pandaonmyshoulder

It's a difficult one but yes life is for living and to a point "sod tomorrow", I had this view recently as I have a health problem and also lost my Mum & Dad within 10 mths of each other (really bad time). But un/fortunately life goes on and tomorrow does come around whether you think "to hell with it" or not and bills have to be paid. Try and talk to your OH and perhaps try to sort out a balance so that you can have a few treats but still pay off debt and keep to a budget.

I am sure it's been very difficult coping with the cancer but I suppose faced with that maybe brought about the thought of "spend now I maybe not here tomorrow" but now perhaps you can put it to your OH that she will be here tomorrow and you want to plan for your future together and don't want to bring on debt worries??? Just a thought.

lynzpower

I havent been well myself recently as many people on here know.

LIfe is for living. Being ill is a constant reminder of that.

So my thoughts are, right, not one of us knows how long we are going to be alive for, I can either make the best or the worst of it. By going full steam ahead I can clear the debt, ambitiously, I hope before Xmas, ( Im sticking 2 fingers up to the snowballer which is saying may).

ONce im out of debt, life indeed is for living. Its for holidays, buying drinks for people, and generally wasting money if I want to ( altohugh whether i actually will do is another matter ) I said to myself, the sooner I get this lead weight from round my neck ,the sooner I can get on with the business of enjoying myself and I cant wait as I know I will properly DESERVE it.

Imelda

Hi mehefin,
You're right it is a difficult subject to talk to with loved ones, does she have complete involvement in the finances? If not why don't you write down your SOA so that she can see the figures in black and white. It is easy to fob yourself off with, this is only £10, that's only £20... but it all adds up. You say you have equity in your house but that is only good if you want to sell your house to get at it and i'm guessing neither of you would want to do that.
Let us know how you get on, lots of people are in the same position as you

Donedoingdebt

I bet a large number of us DFWs have at some time thought that life is for living etc & look where we all ended up. Unfortunately, borrowing has a nasty habit of biting you on the bum if it spirals. Very pleased to hear your OH is ok now but does she really need the stress of debt in the years to come. As Lynzpower said, get straight first then blow it on whatever as long as she is not left with the burden of having to pay it back later

ziggy2004

Hi
I understand how illness can make you see things in a different light(we made some drastic changes to our life after ds underwent open heart surgery last year) but there does come a point that you have to look at the future because debt will catch up with you. Can you show her what will happen in the next 6 months/year/ cuople of years if you don't act now? I had to sit my OH down and actually show him the amounts comming in and going out every month before he believed me. i still show him my budget spreadsheet at the end of every month to show him where we went overbudget (budget is a bit ambitious so usually go over) this allows him to see that he cannot go out and buy everything he fancies. He is a lot better now but I still have to keep reminding him every month.
Good luck
X Anne

mountainofdebt

but does that include working to pay the debt off?

By that I mean, if she realised she had to work 30 mins (figure plucked out of the air) to earn that sandwich which is eaten in 15 minutes, would she still say that sandwich was better than a home made one that only took her 5minutes to work for but still took 15 minutes to eat?

I had my lightbulb moment when I stopped moaning about the lack of money we had each month, and realised that if we DIDN'T have the debt then we would have a pretty good lifestyle.

I personally would point out to your OH that yes life is for living but its better to have a lifetime of memories of good holidays etc which you can afford if you weren't so much in debt rather than of being in work having to earn money to pay for stupid useless things that 9 times out of 10 end up on a landfill site.

kathfisch

I think showing her the figures in black and white is the only way it will sink it. If you just say 'the situation is bad', 'we need to cut back' etc, it could seem to her as if you are being restrictive and worrying unnecessarily.

If you can sit down to talk openly about your finances (and be prepared to listen to her thoughts not just convince her of yours) you should be able to come to some agreement. If you have all the figures to hand and do the sums together then you can both dicuss the real situation, rather than the idealised (in her mind) or worst case (in your mind) scenario.

Its understandable that her desire to plan long term has been shaken by serious illness, perhaps it feels too painful to think about the future because its been brought home to her (and you) how easily there could be no future. Whilst that is totally natural, its also true (and fabulous) that she has been given the all clear and has no reason to think that there isn't a future ahead, which needs to be planned for!

Sit down with her, talk through the issues (emotional as well as financial - they're usually totally linked) and hopefully you can come to some agreement!

Best of luck, I sympathise x

Kath

southernscouser

How about explaining that although you should live life to the fullest each day that doesn't mean you have to get in debt to do it!

Also explain that you want to have a secure, happy and exciting future together and the only way to do that is be sensible with money!

Toto

Is there something she always wanted to do? I don't know, a world trip or something? Is there a future you could offer her as an incentive to work towards?

It's hard to think of tomorrow when you have almost had your future wiped out. I think sometimes it feels like tempting fate, if you dare to plan ahead it will be like dangling a huge carrot for life to take it all away again. That can be really scary, so it’s much easier to live in the now and worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

So, rather making her think about sensible stuff, like paying off debts and mortgages, maybe it would be easier for her if she felt she was working towards something fun. If you could tap into a dream of hers it would maybe stop her spending money needlessly (which would clear the debts, solving your problem) without making her go through too much pain in the process.

My mother died of breast cancer almost 5 years ago (she was only 54).
So, I love to hear of breast cancer survivors; I have full and total respect for your OH for sticking two fingers up to that nasty evil disease. Hugs to you both.