Daughter's ex being difficult re access

superpup

Hi

My DD has just rung me in tears. She has just dropped my GS off at her ex's family house and when she got back, her ex text her saying he wouldn't be dropping GS off at the agreed time, it would be later as he is taking him to an attraction over an hour away.

My DD is upset because it's GS 2nd birthday tomorrow and the roads aren't particularly safe at the moment either.

She's only 20 (he's 24) but has been extremely mature about access. Even when her ex has been a complete idiot (many times), she puts GS first and would never stop him seeing his Dad.

He doesn't drive so DD drops him off and picks him up. His parents drink a lot (every day) so if my DD hadn't refused a drink with Xmas lunch just in case, ex wouldn't have got to see him on Xmas day as they never thought about having to stay sober to collect him in the afternoon. He's useless with money so she always makes sure she drops him off with nappies etc as he wouldn't have any cash to buy them most of the time.

She's just had a load of abusive texts from her ex saying that she's a useless mother, it's not up to her when he has GS and not to try picking him up at the agreed time as he'll make sure he's not there.

This may seem like a small thing but it's the last of many, many incidents. The worst being my DD trying to collect him at the specified time at his family's house and him not letting her in at first then his Mum refusing to hand GS over saying that my DD was an awful mother. It culminated with her ex swinging her around their lounge whilst his Mum and Dad egged him on. Lovely family. :rolleyes: We decided against going to the police as we didn't want to make things worse but I deeply regret not doing so now.

Anyway, we're now considering setting up access via a solicitor. Ex currently sees GS Monday, Wednesday evenings for about 4 hours and has him overnight alternate Friday and Saturday nights from about 4/5pm until lunchtime the next day. He has the opportunity to have him overnight in the week when he's not working but never thinks to ask but he knows my DD will let him.

She doesn't want to stop access and never would. She appreciates that ex loves his son and the feeling is mutual and also it means she gets to have a break to do her own thing, catch up with college work etc when he has him.

If we went through the court, what would happen? We just want him to abide by set times without being nasty and difficult. If he wants to have him longer or picked up earlier, DD tries to oblige. I don't think he appreciates how ameniable my DD is. I know lots of blokes who have no end of trouble trying to see their children.

daska

Even with a contact order you can't guarantee that the other parent will behave responsibly, fairly or reasonably. PWCs can and do still withhold contact, NRPs can and do still arrive late etc. But it does mean that there are some ground rules that everyone has agreed to and it can limit the bullying tactics. However, it will be expensive unless you're in receipt of legal aid and can drag on for months or years.

Generally, at 2, unless there's a broad agreement the court will ask cafcass to interview the parents and report on the best interests of the child. There are a few things that the court take a very dim view of and substance misuse (including alcohol) is one of these (assuming that your definition of 'a lot' tallies with theirs - my parents regard one glass of wine a night as 'a lot' LOL), and they might suggest that it was better if contact took place at a contact centre while issues such as these are resolved.

The best advice I can give is to find a solicitor who's a member of the family / children panel and see if they do a free first consult.

There is also family mediation but this really hinges on both parties wanting to find a solution to be of any use.

LEGAL AID

Rikki

She can stop the running about and let him make arrangements to pick up and see his son.

Blackpool_Saver

Courts often stipulate a halfway neutral point for collection and drop off.

superpup

Thanks everyone.

Re 'drinks a lot', it is a lot. GS saw cases of beer in the supermarket and said 'Grandad'. Grandad works so starts drinking when he gets in. Nan gets the shakes and starts about lunchtime. Snakebite is their drink of choice.

Ex drinks a lot when he goes out, to the point where he gets himself into trouble but doesn't drink when he has GS.

DD has considered letting ex organise the pick ups etc but GS would hardly get to see his Dad at all and DD is putting GS's interests first as he loves spending time with his Dad.

Rikki

superpup wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

Re 'drinks a lot', it is a lot. GS saw cases of beer in the supermarket and said 'Grandad'. Grandad works so starts drinking when he gets in. Nan gets the shakes and starts about lunchtime. Snakebite is their drink of choice.

Ex drinks a lot when he goes out, to the point where he gets himself into trouble but doesn't drink when he has GS.

DD has considered letting ex organise the pick ups etc but GS would hardly get to see his Dad at all and DD is putting GS's interests first as he loves spending time with his Dad.

It's all well and good putting her son's interest first, but if she's finding it draining and affecting her well-being, it will effect her relationship with her son. She doesn't need the stress of abusive texts and her parenting standards being questioned. She deserves quality time with her son without worrying about what his Dad is going to say or do next visit.

Counting_Pennies_2

superpup wrote: »

Thanks everyone.


DD has considered letting ex organise the pick ups etc but GS would hardly get to see his Dad at all and DD is putting GS's interests first as he loves spending time with his Dad.

To be honest I really would advise her to stop running around. Your grandson will see his father if he really does want to see him.

Right now I think her ex knows he can call on her and she will run wherever required, to the point of abuse in front of son.

It might even be best if someone else collects your Grandson so he doesn't see the degrading behaviour displayed.

I think this type of family will flip if it goes to the courts, and it could be made worse.

A similar thing happened to a friend, i.e. father behaving badly in front of mother, mother always doing drop offs. It got to the point there was physical violence in front of children and the police were called. This resulted in an agreement the mother wouldn't do the drop offs, if the father wanted to see the children he could collect them from their home. Things did cool off slightly after police were called. Taking it legal can go either way.

No right way of playing this one. Unfortunately it sounds like she got in with the wrong person, and now she has a diplomatic job on her hands for the future.

superpup

Thanks, I think we're coming around to the idea of reducing the pick ups/drop offs.

One good thing is that the attraction they want to take him to tomorrow is closed until Feb so that's out of the equation.

I think they would flip re the court. They are really unbalanced at times. My DD idolises my GS but regrets the day she got involved with her ex.

We do worry about them saying things about DD to GS when he's older and understands more. They wouldn't appreciate that it would be messing with GS's head. They'd just find it funny.

There's not always someone else around at the time ex has GS to hand him over. DD has asked me to collect GS tomorrow as she's worried about being there with them (understandable after last time).

daska

Rikki wrote: »

It's all well and good putting her son's interest first, but if she's finding it draining and affecting her well-being, it will effect her relationship with her son. She doesn't need the stress of abusive texts and her parenting standards being questioned. She deserves quality time with her son without worrying about what his Dad is going to say or do next visit.

Absolutely. Her son's primary interest is in her being able to provide the best possible home/start for him. If she's run ragged by her ex and his family then she won't be able to so she will be letting her son down - so even if the principle appears good the outcome isn't. And not all absent parents are good, sometimes it is appropriate to control the access so that the child only benefits from it rather than being subjected to environments, attitudes, behaviour that might have a lasting negative effect - hence the use of contact centres where parents have to turn up sober, have to attend at specific times and have to behave themselves during contact.

daska

superpup wrote: »

Thanks, I think we're coming around to the idea of reducing the pick ups/drop offs.

One good thing is that the attraction they want to take him to tomorrow is closed until Feb so that's out of the equation.

I think they would flip re the court. They are really unbalanced at times. My DD idolises my GS but regrets the day she got involved with her ex.

We do worry about them saying things about DD to GS when he's older and understands more. They wouldn't appreciate that it would be messing with GS's head. They'd just find it funny.

There's not always someone else around at the time ex has GS to hand him over. DD has asked me to collect GS tomorrow as she's worried about being there with them (understandable after last time).

Yes, it chilled me to the bone when my 4 year old told me that nanny said his daddy had gone to the "cutsody building" so that he could go and live with him but he didn't want to so could I go and tell the man what he wanted.

superpup

daska wrote: »

Yes, it chilled me to the bone when my 4 year old told me that nanny said his daddy had gone to the "cutsody building" so that he could go and live with him but he didn't want to so could I go and tell the man what he wanted.

That's awful! :eek: That's the kind of stuff that worries me. They're the kind of people you see on Jeremy Kyle.

DD doesn't let it affect her time with GS. She's living here with me for the time being for a while until she finds somewhere else to live (long story which I won't go into now) and she's brilliant with him. He's a lovely little boy and I can't bear the thought of him getting pulled all ways as he gets older.