How Do I help

Pattie1968

Hi Friends,

I want to help my mum to become debt free and face up to her financial crisis.

I have bought her Martins latest book which I intend to give to her very soon.
I was going to put a note in it saying that when she's ready and is able to face her debt, I'll sit down with her and help her contact her creditors etc and help her with her SOA, etc. I was thinking I could do the carrot & stick thing with regards to her claiming her bank charges. Mum doesn't have access to the internet, so I'd be doing most of it for her.

The main reason I'm doing it is a little selfish. I'm fed up of having to bail her out. I recenlty paid off a big chunk of her council tax arreas, because the bailiffs were threatening to remove stuff. She says the can do what they want but it not fair on the my sister & step dad who all pay their fair share of the bills.

I know she's scared & I just want to help, but not financially anymore. She's a fantastic mum & nana.

How can I approach this without causing upset?

domesticgoddess

its hard to get someone else face up to their debt. I have the same problem with my OH, I KNOW for a fact that he has a problem with debt, but he just won't deal with it.

I think maybe some people need their own lightbulb moment. I think by getting her the book that is a great start and a very caring way to show you care.

Maybe the best way to help her is to no longer help her out, maybe in her mind she doesn't think that there is a problem because you are there to help her.

My advice as a non pro would be give her the book and over a tea or coffee tell her that due to your own pressures etc that you can't help out financially any more as much as you would love to say it isn't practical anymore.

She really needs to have the lightbulb moment herself and you can be there for her when it happens in a supportive way, but IMO you can't do it for her.

I would be very interested in what other people have to say, as I am very very worried about my OH.

All the best

DG

lynzpower

I think there has to be a point where you have to say, no more.

All you can do is lead by example I think. My OH sees me seling on ebay, reducing my debts, generally getting out of a big rut, and becoming more financially aware.

I dont think there is anything you can do, but taking over and removing thier control and choices wouldnt be something Id recommend, although I know others on here do it out of neccesity.

loopyloulou_3

I agree with the above two posts. It is virtually impossible to force someone to have their lightbulb moment (I am still working on my OH!) but obviously watching someone you care about get deeper and deeper in debt without seeming to be bothered about it not to mention frustrating when you see them wasting money.
I think the book is an excellent starting point - I have ordered one today for my OH to read. I agree with leading by example - at least she knows you care and are there to help her.
i think it is like many other things - that you cant make someone sort something out unless they want to do it for themselves.

Imelda

Hiya Patty,
I know how you feel, I am in the same boat with my mum (she doesn't know about my debt as I would feel like such a hypocrite, but I have 40 odd working years ahead of me, she does not!) It's partially the reason I moved out (and got into debt).
As the other posters have said just give her the book and maybe suggest meeting up again in a week or so and maybe go through her paperwork (my mum "files" everything in a box, it's a mess) as the first step to sorting things out is getting organised.
Let us now how you get on (I may have to do the same soon) and if there's any help we can give.
Regards,
Immy

Pattie1968

Thank you so mcuh for the replies.:A

I know you're all right in what you say, but i feel I at least let her know that there is help out there, that she doesn't have to hide her debt & then take it out on the rest of those that still live at home.

A while ago, i sat down with my mum, sister & step dad and went through the house hold bills & what she got in contributions from them & the gave her more than enough to cover the household bills. Mums' problem is store cards, credit cards, TV shopping channels etc....

But I know if I help to get her debt free without her taking responsibility for her actions, then she'll end up in the same situation. I can't watch her get deeper into debt.

ms_london

I also worry about my mum, and as you say Imelda, I have 40+ years of work ahead of me (*groan*) and she doesnt!! Mum isnt alone & is married to my step dad, but I doubt very much if he has any debt, perhaps just his car?!

My mum went a bit mad spending money after her dad died, which I can understand, however, it does worry me, and even now when I mention it to her she just says "It's only money". They're not having a holiday this year as I know my mum wants to get her finances in order - whether she'll actually do it or not is another matter.!

I think if you explain to her, as the others have said, that you cannot bail her out anymore, she might take a more proactive approach at looking at her finances. If you are in debt & trying to get out of it, it's not fair to keep helping her out, but shes your mum and it must be hard to say no!!

Role reversal or what! :rolleyes: Think I drive my mum mad with my constant nagging, but fair play to my mum, she has picked up some of my MSE habits!!

rchddap1

Horrible thing to say but if someone is in trouble and isn't facing up to the reality of things then the worst thing you can do is 'bail them out'. The best thing you can do is wait and leave her to it. It may seem cruel and nasty, but in many cases being threatened with the prospect of losing your stuff, or actually watching it being carted away can wake people up to the reality of their situation.

If she wants help then go through her finances and debts with her. But don't give her cash as it will only pro-long the agony.

ms_london

rchddap1 wrote:

Horrible thing to say but if someone is in trouble and isn't facing up to the reality of things then the worst thing you can do is 'bail them out'. The best thing you can do is wait and leave her to it. It may seem cruel and nasty, but in many cases being threatened with the prospect of losing your stuff, or actually watching it being carted away can wake people up to the reality of their situation.

If she wants help then go through her finances and debts with her. But don't give her cash as it will only pro-long the agony.

Have to agree. Infact my parents used that tactic with me, so its funny how things change!! Not that I am happy they are in debt, just wish they practiced what they preached!! xx

lynzpower

Ms_london, they must be shocked though, at you getting out of debt and achieving so much, and jetting off on the proceeds. If thats not a large kick up the rear for them, I dont know what would be.

If I was your mum I would be very proud of you :A

Glitterari

It's the same with my Mum, but unlike other posters, my Mum is now on her own. She has a partner who she's been with for about 5 or 6 years, but they don't live together and she refuses to ask for help from him. He sounds like he's not too good with cash either.

My Mum files everything in the bin unfortuneately - it's going to be such a nightmare trying to sort anything out.

With Mum I'm going to have to go right back to basics, as she doesn't even budget for anything. Once she gets paid, it's like just a matter of time until the money is all gone - not pots of money here and there marked off for specific bills and debts. Just spends as she needs to....grrrrrrrrr....and now she's the one asking me for money, although she always pays it back but in a way it's like bank charges - her paying me back means she's short again next month!!!! But because of my own situation I cannot afford not to have it back.

Oh, I could sit here all day and night and just go on and on about the problems with my Mum and the problems she has with money.