When someone lies to their partner about their debts who are they protecting...?

Jacks_xxx

I was oblivious to our debts for years. My husband handled the finances and I just assumed he'd tell me if there was any kind of problem. He was adamant that he wanted to deal with the bills, that he didn't want me to have to worry about that kind of thing, and he rarely spoke about it.

Now and again he'd say the credit card had got out of hand so he'd got a loan to pay it off but it was less money a month, so in my naivete I thought that was better! :rolleyes::o

Meanwhile we lived waaaaaay above our means for about 18 years and racked up about £100k worth of debt.

When our line of credit ran out, I found out because he couldn't do his usual "When the credit cards are maxed out get another consolidation loan" routine.

I added it all up, and besides the abject terror of these huge scary numbers my overwhelming feeling was of betrayal.

Whichever way you cut it, the man I loved and trusted, and who was supposed to love me had been lying to me for the better part of twenty years.

Anyway...having had a good read around the board and seen how many other people are also lying to their partners I thought a poll might be interesting?

LandyAndy

I think they are protecting themselves from the percieved embarrassment of admitting they have made an almighty horlicks of it. The longer it goes on the harder the admission is to make.

pelirocco

They probably are lying to protect themselves , but if the debt wasnt a result of them spending money in way the other person didnt know about then I am not sure I have much sympathy with the 'innocent' partner , it has to be obvious they are living beyond their means

Tixy

A bit of both I think - they probably do think they are protecting their partner by not worrying them.

It also depends on the circumstances - if the debt is run up on general household overspending (or which both partners have therefore had the benefit) this is obviously different from when the partner in debt has spent all the money on a vice such as gambling - in the latter case I'd say they are only protecting themselves.

I'd say in the vast majority of cases hiding the debt is not a good way forward for anyone involved.

(Good idea for a poll Jacks)

Charco_2

A bit of both i suppose AND a little bit of something else.

Dont have much debt myself (mostly manageable) but work in the industry and see the results of it every day, it's amazing the affect debt has on people and does different thigs to different people.
To some £5k is a mountain to others £100k is a work in progress. Different people have different attitudes just. It can tear families apart as stress boils over into every day arguments. It can make families stronger when as a couple they look passed the blame to the real issue of "what do we do now!?" Some people can cope with honesty, some spiral in shame, it can drive people to the ultimate "solution"!

Perhaps your other half doesn't think of it as lying... every small step (even if it was in the wrong direction) might have felt like a solution at the time and nothing to worry you about since it wasn't an area of the household you dealt with... That may have been wrong but it was the way in which your house was run. If the debts hadn't gotten out of control then you wouldn't now be saying you'd been lied to, you'd be saying the money side of things is all run by my Dave/Bill/John/whoever! And you can hardly blame someone for losing control of their debts, sure look at the state of the banks and THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PROFESSIONALS!

The important thing now isn't about having a blame game, it's about sorting the debt and for that, i assure you, there will always be a solution!

Good luck!

nutsohazelnuts

I believe that while people may insist most vociferously that they practise deception in order to protect their partner in life they are in fact primarily concerned with protecting themselves from facing up to their own failures and inadequacies, and maintaining the status quo of their destructive behaviour.

DarkConvict

It protects both partners, up until the point it comes out, at which point it all goes out the window.

Its not uncommon for people with problems to try and deal with it themselves, not just debt problems but any problem. At school i always used to ask questions, recently with a tax bill i got i have been on here, ringing people, talking to family+friends. But some people would just either try themselves to sort it or throw it in the bin and hope it goes away.

Some people don't realise until it is too late, they are above their head and need help. At some point they maybe trying to prevent embrassment if it came out, but if things get worse not better, then it probably turns into fear of people finding out if they haven't told anyone about it yet.

Its very dependant on both circumstances and the person.

ladybez

In my case OH was protecting himself. Daily I thank God that I have always paid all the household bills otherwise I would have probably been homeless long ago. Sorry if that sounds cynical

Jacks_xxx

Thanks Tixy - yeah I thought it might be interesting!

Charco - Just to clarify, we're debt free now but it was a tough two and a bit years getting there. I agree with you that you have to get past whose fault it is and get on with sorting it out together - and we did just that - but I thought this poll might throw up some interesting and different viewpoints.

The worst part for me in the beginning was lying awake at night wondering what the hell else he was lying to me about.

I actually still find it hard to post on threads where someone is in bits having just found out cos even two years on it puts me right back at that point in our marriage where I'd just found out about it and I feel physically sick all over again.

HeidiHi

It protects that comfy bubble of denial they are living in and protects them from having to face the consequences by letting them carry on regardless but doesn't actually protect anybody from anything. Lyin and hiding the debts just makes things worse in the long run. I feel seriously sorry for anybody who gets that shock from their other half.

chappers

It all depends on how the debt is racked up, years ago I was in charge of our finances and my wife and I racked up some large debts(all gone now and a MFW). I hid these debts from by wife, by juggling finances between our three bank accounts, CCs, loans etc. But I definitely say that WE ran up these debts, neither of us tried to curb our spending, we both knew how much each earned and we were both in denial about it. The only difference is that I knew exactly how bad the situation was. Neither of us were hiding our spending and spending on things the other didn't know about. But I did hide the debt from her for a long time until our line of credit ran out.
Admittedly I wish I had explained the situation a lot earlier as, although my wife likes to spend she is good at living within her means if she has to, whereas i was a spend now pay later type and was probaly the one responsible for our debts getting out of control, but we have talked about this since and she admits that deep down she knows we were living beyond our means.
Our solution now is that each month we both sit down go through all of our bank accounts,credit card statements etc , together and therefore everything is transparent.
If all the spending is one sided then yes it is lying but otherwise it can be a genuine form of protection, but eventually it will all come out and need to be tackled.