Friend needs lightbulb moment - do I bring it up?

armarda

This is my first post here but I've often lurked on the boards.

I'm fortunately not in debt but a friend of mine is and I was hoping for your advice about what to do with them.

I'm known my friend, lets call her Anna, for about 10 years. I see her probably about 3 times per year so whilst she is a friend I wouldn't regard her as my "best" friend or anything.

Anna has had a lot of ups and downs in her career which seem to be largely self inflicted. She can also be a bit flaky and unreliable generally. Anyway, I found out a while ago from an email from her that she is in a lot of debt - approaching £100k - and is being chase by creditors. I don't know much about her financial position but she has no real assets of which I am aware and whilst I don't know the details of what she earns I could make a decent stab at a figure and it isn't going to pay back that amount any time soon. The thing is that I don't think Anna has had her "lightbulb" moment yet and mainly seems concerned in keeping her life going as it is. When I found out about this I suggested organisations that could help and maybe even looking at this board but I don't think Anna took any notice. Its also complicated as Anna lived and studied abroad when she was younger so I think some of the debts may relate to that time - I have no idea how far things like bankrupcy or a voluntary plan would work.

I'm meant to be seeing her this weekend and I really don't know whether I should raise anything with her as previously it has been very limited contact over email. On the one hand its her life and her concern and I could understand her thinking that I am "interfering" with her affairs. On the other hand I'm worried that she is a bit mess that isn't going to go away by itself without action from her and I want to try to be a friend to her.

So do I keep my beak out of her affairs or try and offer help - any advice?

nomoneytoday

IMHO people have to make their own decision to change or give up something, whether its booze, gambling or spending habits.

If she asks, then feel free to assist, otherwise she may resent you...

lynzpower

I think you could mention it, but dont go on about it.

Could you start a discussion like, so have things improved with your finances, has all that stuff been sorted, been worried about you etc.

If she says " its all fine" ask her is it really all fine, or is it that she doesnt want to tell you about it. If she says dont wanna talk about it, then beak out time. If it is all fine, could you come over all , wow how have you managed that, brilliant, what can you learn from her type of thing.

Its not really manipulative ( ok maybe it is a bit) but it is supportive. You sure she doesnt post on here?

Floss

I agree with nomoney today & Lynzpower, your pal needs to have her LBM but it can't be forced onto her, however, a little careful "questioning" as suggested may help the moment happen.

Maybe you could use yourself as an example, ie "i feel so much easier knowing that if i had money worries i could find support & help on MSE"...."there's all sorts of info.....", "did you know that ....." etc etc

remember, you can't make a square peg fit a round hole & if she is ostriching about the problem she may not want to respond to your gentle hints. Good luck!

calleyw

People are funny about finances and can get very offended.

So why not bring up that you a little bit of debt even if it is a bit of a little while lie. And say that since finding MSE you found a great group of people who you can really talk to and have helped you so much in sort out your debt and cutting back your bills. And found that you can sleep a little better at night.

That way you are talking about yourself and not pushing your friend. And say heres the web address and say even if you don't have debt they will be still find you great ways to get your bills down. And get the best deals.

The old saying is you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. It is so true unless your friend is ready is to deal with it. There is nothing that you can do.

All the best.


Yours


Calley

black-saturn

I dont know if you are paying debt payments or not but you could start a converstion about things you've treated yourself to like "Oooh I bought a lovely pair of shoes the other day in wherever" and then she might say something like "I bought a bag" or whatever. Then you could reply with making a mockery of yourself for spending money then she might join in a conversation about debt.

nicola1982_2

It's hard to bring up debt with others - I used to get annoyed because OH's brother was in alot of debt and used to ask to borrow money off him occassionally, but he and his OH were always out at the weekend, doing expensive drugs and living like celebrities (I think they still do). The last straw was when he asked for £100 (Luckily OH didn't have it) and came back later that day with £50 new shoes.

I tried to make a point of discussing how much OH & I struggle (Although OH isn't that bad off - it's just me pulling the collective income down ) and mentioning how we save money, but they seem to be deluded into thinking that they do the same. I haven't had the heart to point out that expensive weekends aren't really part of our lifestyle!

I guess maybe encouraging a frugal lifestyle by setting example yourself (even if you don't need to) is a good start. With all my friends being students it's so much easier to keep in track as nobody has any money!

If you feel you can raise the issue later, perhaps recommend CAB to her. But don't ignore the problem. I've read magazine articles in which women have been near suicidal only for a strong friend to give them the right advice and 'save their life'.

armarda

Thanks for your replies and your ideas. I think I'll see whether she brings it up or if I'm able to gently lead the conversation there.

Spirited_2

You said that you are seeing her this weekend. I think as her friend, one of the best things you can do is be supportive, whether or not she wants to go into more details about her finances with you.

One way you could do this is by making sure that whatever you do together this weekend isn't going to make things any worse for her. Show her that the pair of you can have a good day out/in on a tight buget, if she seems to feel the need to keep up apperances, then put her at ease by saying that you want to save a bit of money (you're not insinuating that she ought to be cutting back). What you are doing is making it 'ok' for her to be frugal, this may help her to open up, it may not, but at least you know you aren't making things worse.

Obviously any new purchases you've had recently would best not be mentioned.

Take care of yourself and remember that it is her choices, all you can do is be there for her when she's ready with advice and links to here. *hugs*

In_Search_Of_Me

Its a really tricky one isnt it? You want to help but dont want to make it worse. Before my lighbulb moment some people did try to get me to see sence & I just wasnt listening because I just didnt get it! I think all you can do is be there for your friend, say you are worried about her but also respect that she may not want to talk to you about it but that you are there if she wants to. You could say that through the site you have seen some incredible transformations & feel so proud of people being able to tackle things/that they feel better when they do etc? That way would be less challenging but may encourage her to look things up. You dont see her that often so I would just say that & then enjoy your (cheap!!) time togeather...hope that helps? Hope it goes well; let us know how you get on! At the end of the day the others are right - we all have to get to our own rock bottom and what counts is who is there/supports & sticks with you when you get there! Despite being close to my mum & some friends I have felt SO much closer to some who have supported me...my mum sends me Tesco payment cards every couple of weeks & keeps telling me how proud she is of me & reassures me that I can do it! Fab for down days!