don't know what to do

cakeordeath_2

another one threatening to end it all? you must be getting really pee'd off with his empty threats by now.

I'd be tempted to tell him that he shouldn't expect a lavish send-off 'cos some drunk had cleaned out the bank account!!

Stay strong, you and your kids are really moving forward. Don't let him cast a shadow over tomorrow' birthday celebrations.

sandhawk2701

DD got a happy birthday message from him and that he will see her at the weekend. He only lives 15 miles away and can't pop to see her, what a .....!


She is off to the cinema and pizza express later with her friends and I said she can have them sleep over, which is something her dad would never allow! She is well happy with that,. So DVD, popcorn, chocolate, facemasks and what ever else I can think of!

cakeordeath_2

well look on the bright side, at least you won't have the worry about getting rid of him if he gets all clingy, and if he's getting her a prezzy it'll stretch out her birthday a bit longer.

a sleep over is a great plan especially as it's half term, have a fun day!

mobyfix

If you have a samsung phone I believe you can block texts and calls ( most samsung phones ) for calls on another phone record an mp3 of 10 seconds of silence and save it then assign the silent ring tone to his name ( everyone else can have a different tone ) This only works for names saved onto the phone not just the sim.

Probably not what you want to hear but people do change and having been there myself you can get quite desperate. After 6 months and my wife trying a new relationship we did get back together and we are much stronger now 4 years later...and I have a healthy reminder in my memory of how down and sad I was without her.

But only you know what is in your heart. I never had a drinking problem and I guess that is harder to live with. I wish you luck with your choices and with the direction you choose.:A

Apart from the anger is the anything else you feel for this man now ? I hate the way that everybody on this site seems so against him. The drinking is his fault and of course the reason he feels so low now is his fault. But I think he does want to change and will change, given a period to reassess. Sometimes a shock like this is enough to force a permanent and positive change ...

Trust me when I tell you, being alone and rejected is enough and without the kids, you and family support, is enough to turn you into a Jekyl and Hyde and brings out a whole rainbow of emotions... sometimes apologetic, sorrow, hope, despair and sometimes vindictive through anger. It is hard to hold it together under these circumstances. And yes, suicide really is an option, partly emotional blackmail and partly through a helpless despair. Break-ups are very hard, some people can cope better than others.. but to expect impecable behaviour from him when he feels this bad is a lot to ask.

I wonder what advice people would give him here if he started a new thread with his perception of the issues. He would of course get support and not so many negative posts I guess. This site is great for supporting the OP not so great at seeing a balanced picture. The only thing I have heard about this man before split up is he drinks too much and spends too much money post drinking on takeaways. Never heard that he is / was a terrible father, a violent bully, an abuser. So without these things I have to see repair as the way forward...I know we live in a throwaway society but sometimes we have to try and repair the things that gave us so much happiness in the past rather than always look for a replacement !

my advice... communicate.

jasoo

how old are your children? you may be abole to get some benefits via them eg Free school dinners / trips. As per other comments ... write a message in the TAX / Benefits forum.

Good luck.

I did the opposit when i was ina simmilar but not so harsh situation. .. my husband used to go out for weekend drinks with friends and come home 6.00am the next day. Forget the costs for drinks but he didn't have the energy to play with the children 6 yrs and 3 yr. One day i locked the front door, and when he tried to come in, i opened it and ran to my car with mobile and drove round teh next road and sat in teh car till about 9 am and then went to friends for moral support. I think this got the message across has he also had to lookafter the kids from morning to afternoon when i finally returned.

Also unfortubately he has other health isues which have got worse and that has helped me to make him reflect of damages he causing everyone.

cakeordeath_2

mobyfix wrote: »

If you have a samsung phone I believe you can block texts and calls ( most samsung phones ) for calls on another phone record an mp3 of 10 seconds of silence and save it then assign the silent ring tone to his name ( everyone else can have a different tone ) This only works for names saved onto the phone not just the sim.

Probably not what you want to hear but people do change and having been there myself you can get quite desperate. After 6 months and my wife trying a new relationship we did get back together and we are much stronger now 4 years later...and I have a healthy reminder in my memory of how down and sad I was without her.

But only you know what is in your heart. I never had a drinking problem and I guess that is harder to live with. I wish you luck with your choices and with the direction you choose.:A

Apart from the anger is the anything else you feel for this man now ? I hate the way that everybody on this site seems so against him. The drinking is his fault and of course the reason he feels so low now is his fault. But I think he does want to change and will change, given a period to reassess. Sometimes a shock like this is enough to force a permanent and positive change ...

Trust me when I tell you, being alone and rejected is enough and without the kids, you and family support, is enough to turn you into a Jekyl and Hyde and brings out a whole rainbow of emotions... sometimes apologetic, sorrow, hope, despair and sometimes vindictive through anger. It is hard to hold it together under these circumstances. And yes, suicide really is an option, partly emotional blackmail and partly through a helpless despair. Break-ups are very hard, some people can cope better than others.. but to expect impecable behaviour from him when he feels this bad is a lot to ask.

I wonder what advice people would give him here if he started a new thread with his perception of the issues. He would of course get support and not so many negative posts I guess. This site is great for supporting the OP not so great at seeing a balanced picture. The only thing I have heard about this man before split up is he drinks too much and spends too much money post drinking on takeaways. Never heard that he is / was a terrible father, a violent bully, an abuser. So without these things I have to see repair as the way forward...I know we live in a throwaway society but sometimes we have to try and repair the things that gave us so much happiness in the past rather than always look for a replacement !

my advice... communicate.

He might very loving towards his kids but that isn't all they need from him, he emptied the bank account and left her with no money to feed their kids or pay the direct debits and he sent them texts saying sorry and goodbye frightening the hell out of the whole family, that's pretty terrible, don't you think?

I somehow can't imagine that the OP suddenly decided to leave her husband because he's just started to spend too much money, can you? She's been with the man for 20 years and has with 3 teenage kids with him. I imagine she feels pretty alone and rejected too, the trouble is because drinking is involved she'd have been feeling alone and rejected while he was still there and all the time he was getting relaxed and winding down she was getting stressed and wound up.

An ex partner of mine had a drinking problem, and it wasn't really the drinking that was a problem, it was the drinking at the expense of everything else that was the problem. We talked and talked about badly it was affecting our lives and relationships, he cried and promised to change, begged me to give him another chance, so I did. I believed he did want it to work and he would try really hard for a short time, but it wouldn't last. This went on for years and I'd heard every excuse in the book, I knew I couldn't make him stop and I couldn't afford to let him carry on at the expense of everyone else and I came to realise that he couldn't stop by himself, so I told him enough was enough and that he needed to leave and get help from someone who knew what to do. We needed him to realise that until he stopped putting us after the drink, he'd have to let us get on with it ourselves. As it happens, he didn't get help, he found someone else who didn't know how important the drinking was to him, she recently decided that she's had enough after 16 years and she left him, now he's just started a relationship with an alcoholic.

The OP's husband has to feel awful, he has to feel so awful that he feels he can't live without them and only then he will make the decision to do something about it. If the OP doesn't stand her ground, he won't make it through, he might not make it anyway, he might stay a drinker, but at least it won't be at the expense of his wife and children. She knows he's a better man and that she and their kids deserve a man who puts them above everything else, that's why she's so angry with him.

If he looks for support, then he deserves to get it, she has given him years of support but he hasn't been able to control his drinking so he needs to get more support from somewhere else (people with experience), I hope he gets it before it's too late to repair their relationship. The posters here are giving the OP support because she asked for it and I think that it also includes people with experience helping her understand why he's saying/doing the things he is and encouraging her to not cave in but stay strong, for everyone's sake, and try to move on to give their kids some stability rather than put their lives on hold to see if he can do it.

mobyfix

Don't misunderstand me, he may be a total !!! and impossible to live with. But I do feel empathy and sadness for someone who really has had the rug ripped out from under his feet, regardless of where the fault lies. In this case the unhappiness seems to run through the whole family. The OP has lost her partner, the childen have lost their father. And the OH has lost his family & home.

My biggest concern is the mental state of her husband. The paracetamol OD together with any damage through previous drinking could be irreversable. The could be an unhappy outcome whatever happens I pray that everything is ok. Paracetamol related liver damage can be a very slow and painful death. I would hope that the hospital would have told him what may happen in the short term and what will definitely happen if attempts suicide again in this way.

As I said before, people can change given the right reasons to do so. But regardless of whether they get back together he does need need some support from the family.

During my dark time I also used to text alot, some hot, some cold. I rarely ate, slept with the TV / Light on. Cried often and begged more times than I care to remember. Easy for people to tell you you will achieve more by giving her time. Not so easy to do.. Did he do the right thing about the bank account NO. Do I understand why he did it YES. When you are in a state of altered reality anything can happen. I can relate to some of his actions.

I also have every sympathy for the OP - the whole situation is intolerable for all concerned. If alcohol is the problem and he is an alcoholic he needs help and support. Without the support of people that care, at the moment I imagine he probably feels his life is without purpose and pointless to change. Or he could be trying to change already.

For me, me and my OH get on better now than we ever did before - we both changed and I would like to believe that we both really happy now ( I will probably find her stuff packed when I get home for saying that !)

Whatever happens try and move away from the anger stage and develop an understanding and friendship with each other. I think both you and your other half will benefit from that, as will both of your relationships with your childen.

Communication is definitely the way forward whether you get together again or remain apart.

Any

mobyfix wrote: »

Don't misunderstand me, he may be a total !!! and impossible to live with. But I do feel empathy and sadness for someone who really has had the rug ripped out from under his feet, regardless of where the fault lies. In this case the unhappiness seems to run through the whole family. The OP has lost her partner, the childen have lost their father. And the OH has lost his family & home.

Pooooor bloke!!!
You are kidding right??

Cake or death, well said:T
No man who takes food from his children is a good man!!!

BitterAndTwisted

sandhawk2701 wrote: »

My eldest decided to put his rent up to help me out and has done a few of the jobs that his dad "will do at the weekend". I'm so lucky he is a mature lad.

My younger son and his friends went car cleaning at the weekend, he made £32 which he said put it towards a bill. Bless him.

My Daughter said she is happy not to go to the cinema as a birthday treat if it saves money.

My younger lad and his mates said they will sort out some kindling out for me as the man at the local corner shop has saved me a couple of wooden crates that need to be broken up.

HOW FANTASTIC ARE YOUR KIDS? Bless their hearts. They are a credit to you and your obviously wonderful parenting. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

With these great children by your side nothing so terribly bad can happen, I am sure of it.

Good luck to you and your family's future!

Savvy_Sue

I thanked your earlier post for the Samsung tips! And it is true that if we saw posts from the OH, we might get a different picture, but ...

mobyfix wrote: »

I also have every sympathy for the OP - the whole situation is intolerable for all concerned. If alcohol is the problem and he is an alcoholic he needs help and support. Without the support of people that care, at the moment I imagine he probably feels his life is without purpose and pointless to change. Or he could be trying to change already.

With addictions, it is extremely difficult to find a balance between 'support' and 'tough love'. Because 'support' is very often hard to distinguish from 'enabling'. And I get the impression that the OP has been 'supportive' throughout the marriage.

In general, addicts need to reach a point where they are ready to give up the addiction for their own sake - not for the sake of their family, not for the sake of their health, but for themselves. There has to be an 'even if' point: "even if my wife still won't have me back, I'll give it up. Even if my children never want to see me again, I'll stay off the drink."

The OP might want to hold that thought ...