Advice to best understand a friend in dept please ?

arushofblood

Am after a bit of advice please ?

I met a guy a few months back who had previously decared himself bankrupt. He's just set himself up in business with a local grant but unfortunately there's just not enough money to back up the venture. I think he is resigned to the fact that it's going to fail, even talking about declaring himself backrupt again. He's up to his eyes in unpaid bills and loans, I've tried to help out with lending some money but it's obviously not enough.

I can sense by his now infrequent mails that he's really !!!!!! off with life, depressed in fact, in particular being so skint all of the time. He's taken to disconnecting the phone which worries me as there's obviously a reason for that ! He's no family and has moved away from close friends.

I just really want to help, but don't know the best way to. Do I keep sending the odd email ? Try calling again ? I don't want to look as if I'm checking up on him... though actually I am because I'm worried and I'm the type of person who can't turn the other cheek when I know someone needs help !

Basically, so that I can understand this guy and he's actions, I could do with understanding what he's going through. Am I best leaving him alone to battle on through or is it vital for someone in he's position to know that there's someone offering friendship and support on a daily basis ?

Thanks !

kaz250

Basically, so that I can understand this guy and he's actions, I could do with understanding what he's going through. Am I best leaving him alone to battle on through or is it vital for someone in he's position to know that there's someone offering friendship and support on a daily basis ?




Pls do not leave him on his own it is absolutely vital that he knows he has afriend in need just do what u can to help him in your own little way .. even the odd mail here and there will be well appreciated . Well done for supporting him this far.

Tr@cker

A woman who lives opposite me has been bankrupted twice, both times in excess of 50k and she doesn't give a sh*t, i dont know whether or not to call her irresponsible or say good on you for sticking 2 fingers up to the institutions.
It's all about one's state of mind but if your friend is down give him any kind of support you can-it might be be vital.

In_Search_Of_Me

What a good friend you are! It is really hard being in debt and thetime it takes to get out of it can be qute crippling emotionally, as can the anger for me that I did this to myself! Things that have helped me have been people who have been there and listened; offered practical help (ie a friend offering to do a car boot sale with me & making it sound fun!) but also not offering to just bale me out...my mum (who has been SOOO lovely) also sent me a £20 tesco card which really helped! A phone call/visit can help and how about offering to help him to through his bills or go with him to CAB or when he rings CCS etc? Having someone there with you can help and even if he says no you hae at least offered the support. It is hard though. I have been so ashamed (which people often dont realise) that I've done this that it's hard accepting help, esp if you are the one who is usually giving but I've now realised that I have to give in other ways or I'll never get out of debt! Not sure if that helps at all? Sorry its a bit long!! Big hugs to you and your friend.
PS Also thought that it's important for you to realise that supporting him is good but you are not responsible for him or his actions. At the end of the day there is only so much you CAN do...

arushofblood

Thanks everyone for your replies !

I truly think he's still hiding something from me. More debt ? Threats ? I don't know.

I guess I can understand the 'shame', though going into debt initially was due to an inheritance that didn't quite come off as expected. He also has to carry all the bitterness that came about from all that too.

I worry about the guy. I suffer depression myself so Lord only knows what he's going through suffering depression too and being in so much financial strife. I'm only human so sometimes I do get a little fed up when he goes quiet on me, but equally I would never forgive myself if I gave up checking on him and found he'd done something stupid. Just didn't want to keep checking up on him if that's the last thing anyone in that position needed !

After he went quiet on me for 5 days, I did jump in the car and drove 250 miles to knock at his door to see if he was ok ! Would go visit again, take him out perhaps ? No problem for me to run to the costs of a night out, but he doesn't seem to want to let me. Should I just turn up and drag him out ?

I have provided a few hundred pounds to see him through one bad month and have since offered a credit card of mine ( I know, but that's the kind of person I am ! ) so that he can at least purchase stuff to hopefully sell on at a profit and make a bit for himself. He declined the use of the card. Is this because a credit card to people in debt is almost like offering a drink to an alcoholic ?

new_leaf_6

I have a good friend who is in debt. I gave her some money to help her out last year. Gave, not lent because I knew she couldn't pay it back. Now she's got a hold of a new credit card because she changed banks when she thought her wages would be seized by the old bank. She wasn't paying a loan and overdraft she got from them when they attempted to help her with her financial mess.
I suppose she didn't tell the new bank - H@lif*X - the truth because she was offered and accepted a new creidit card from them immediately. Don't they check your application when you apply for a new bank account or don't they care? My friend will dig herself in deeper - it's an addiction.

Callisto

arushofblood wrote:

I have provided a few hundred pounds to see him through one bad month and have since offered a credit card of mine ( I know, but that's the kind of person I am ! ) so that he can at least purchase stuff to hopefully sell on at a profit and make a bit for himself. He declined the use of the card. Is this because a credit card to people in debt is almost like offering a drink to an alcoholic ?

I don't agree with lending friends money. What happens if you need back the 'few hundred pounds' and he can't afford to pay it... or what if he had used the card and racked up a sizeable debt on it, that you were then responsible for? It would probably cause resentment from you and guilt from your friend... and that's not really a good basis for a friendship. If you really feel the need to help out financially, offer to buy in some food when you visit or send some vouchers as a gift.

However, I completely agree with providing any other support that you can, including phoning or emailing at least once a week and organising a trip to see your friend as often as you can and encourage him to seek help from the CAB or debt help charities. What about also suggesting a visit to the doctor who can provide help with depression? Just let your friend know you are thinking of him and that he's not alone.

arushofblood

Update...

Told me tonight that I was trying to buy into a relationship and force him to commit to me just because I lent him money and a computer ( he asked me first, I didn't offer ! ). We did start to develop a relationship when we first met in January though he made it quite clear that he wanted to cool things a few weeks later as he wasn't 'ready' ( ?? ) I could have walked away, as he went about cooling things in a very unfair manner, but I thought he needed a friend to call/mail/text as I knew what he was going through with finances and his business ?

Lesson learned eh ? Though no doubt I'd do the same again !

elona

Walk away with dignity - better still - run!

ceegee

Hmmmmm......you've had a lucky escape there, by the sound of things. Don't have anything more to do with him. If he gets in touch with you in the future, tell him to sling his hook.

Emmzi

Be glad you found out early!

Never easy though. Hugs.