DH Is Scuppering Everything

moggins

I ploughed through our finances yesterday and worked out that we owe a horrendous £11K (that's including the car loan) and that if we don't start being more careful with our money we are coming very close to the edge. I've already done everything I can to cut outgoings, we're with the cheapest provider of everything.

I sat DH down to tell him how any unnecessary spending has got to stop and he cheerfully agreed, then he went out for his opticians appointment and came back with £45 of DVD's. Everytime I try and salvage the situation he scuppers it. I changed his credit card over to a 0% balance, that card was just supposed to be for balance transfers because it didn't have a 0% for purchases but he then went and spent on it.

If I can keep on track we can be completely debt free by June 2009, if he carries on like this we will never be debt free, he's a lovely guy but it's making me really resentful, I shop in charity shops for me and the kids all the time, cook everything from scratch and have worked my fingers to the bone planting the garden with veggies.

What is the point just for him to waste more and more money on gadgets and DVD's?

lynzpower

Aww moggins, what a bloody nightmare.

Hes letting you down here. Id be inclined to start ebaying all his stuff so he realises he cant spend like that.

If you have a joint account, go seperate? Set up a shared account for the bills & rent / mortgage, and then organise standing orders to your cards from both of them, whatevers left he can spend on his pown rubbish.

If he has a card for the joint acocunt, cut it up.

Sorry, Im in a harsh mood today mwhaahahahha

Emmzi

Moggins,

maybe he just doesn't think being debt free is important. If he doesn't, you can't make him - he'll have to lightbulb in his own time.

In the meantime, what you can do is cry. Most of my b/fs haven't known what to do when I cry, so they agree to whatever I want (within reason)!!!

Go on.. have a tearjerker day!!

EEEVIL Emmzi

moggins

LOL, I don't know what's got into him, when we got together XDH had left me in so much debt that we nearly lost the house. He got me out of all that and never moaned about not spending money. Then a couple of years down the line he got a much better job and we had more free money. 2 years ago he wrote the car off and because he has to have a reliable car for work we took out a 5K loan, then last year he was diagnosed with stress and had two months off, we decided to do put the house on the market but it needed 3 grands worth of work done before it was fit to be viewed, so we put that on the credit card thinking that it would be paid off when the house was sold, then he managed to get another job but paying 5000 less a year, the kids settled into new schools and the house didn't sell after being on for 6 months so we took it off the market and stayed put.

Hence 8000 of debt straight away.

Where the rest has come from I just don't know, I know he spent £500 when his new credit card came in with a bigger limit. I don't like to keep saying no to him because he works and I don't and he took on my two kids when we got married.

I've opened three new bank accounts all the money to pay the bills gets paid straight into one account when he gets apart from one credit card and I have a seperate account for the car and a rainy day fund which has just enough in there to cover any shortfall if he doesn't get any overtime. That's another bugbear, he used to do plenty of overtime, now if they call him at short notice he turns it down, saying that he is not in his twenties anymore He's only 31 for petes sake!!

I have thought about going back to work but he works an odd shift rota system, my DS is 12 with Aspergers and cannot be left on his own and DD only started school in September. Plus I am having reconstructive surgery soon (any time in the next 12 months). I don't have any family who can help out and it's impossible to find childcare for a 12 year old here. I am trying to sort out doing a few bootsales but then again I feel resentful, why should I sell mine and the kids stuff when he will just fill all available space with more DVD's and CD's?

lynzpower

Is there a tension here then of you not working and he is. In being honest, I might feel the same way as Im guessing he is, you know its mine, ive worked for it etc. Does your 12 year old go to school? Is there anything you can fit in around this, even if its just a couple of hours reception at a drs surgery or something like that? The jobcentre plus website is great for bitty part time jobs, if that might help any?

tyllwyd

What lynz said sounds sensible - it does sound as if he has pushed himself very hard in the past and now he doesn't want to do it all again. You said that he was ill enough with stress last year to have two months off work - I wonder if that has anything to do with the way he is now, and turning down overtime? Do you think he might be on the verge of mild depression?

At my daughter's school, they are always advertising for people to work as midday assistants - I wonder if something like that might suit you?

moggins

He did go to both the doctor and an occupational counsellor for the stress and it was put down to the pressure of the job he was doing, that was why we searched for another job for him (and I do mean we, it was me that spotted the one he currently has). He was worried about taking it with the huge paycut but I told him that I would rather have him stressfree and happy than have all the money in the world, but we both acknowledged that we would have to make some changes in our lifestyle - I've made them, he hasn't.

He's very happy in his job now, I can't say what he does but it's not heavy work, it is a mixture of nights and days which has upset his sleep pattern though, when he does overtime he can actually sleep there!

DS does go to school but I don't quite know what is going on around here, everytime I think we are in a routine they go and give the kids days off school, inset days, schools shut for polling etc. I seem to have them home more than they are in school (and I hate to admit it although I love my own kids I can't stand other peoples ) so being a dinner lady would be my idea of hell.

I have never heard of the Jobcentre plus website, thanks, I will definitely be taking a look - I do so much at home, DH doesn't help much because he is either asleep or out or working and the kids just think they are put on this earth to make work. I'm trying to work out how I would fit in a job too, I also take my parents shopping every Friday as they are elderly.

I did work for 7 weeks in Christmas 2004, I earned a grand total of £700 and then lost out for all of last year when CTC went down by £100 a month because I had earned this money. Hopefully this should go back up again this year which will give me a little more breathing space. I just wish my renewal forms would hurry up and get here.

zzzLazyDaisy

Spending can certainly be a symptom of depression. People may do it to reassure themselves that they are 'worth it' or coz they feel that they deserve to get something out of working while the other half stays at home soaking up the money they bring in (soz, am not saying that IS the case, just that sometimes it feels that way to the breadwinner).

Having had one failed marriage myself coz the XDH thought that only a fool would want to be debt free (he thought debt = free money!!!), and my sister's marrage break down recently coz the DH was servicing a champagne lifestyle with ever increasing debt, I do know how difficult it is to live with this situation.

One thing I would suggest though (and no it isn't a money saving suggestion, but might work) could you have one night a week that you set aside for 'date night'. Get a baby sitter, go out as a couple, see a play, have a meal, be GROWN UPS ENJOYING EACH OTHER'S COMPANY for a few hours. It doesn't have to cost a fortune - look for 2 for 1 meal deals, some theatres do special rates mid week, summer evenings maybe take a picnic somewhere. He may be feeling like all he is to you is a provider for you and your kids (not saying that's the case, but maybe that's how he feels?)

Good luck xxx