My Friend - The Final Chapter

Paisley_3

Hi all, been a while since I've posted, but hopefully some of you remember me as the person having problems with their friend. Well sadly (but for the best) I have taken the advice of MSE-ers and dropped him as a friend.

This is more of a recap on the story and a warning that burying your head in the sand about debt can ruin friendships.

(It might be a good idea to read my 2 other threads - cheaper than a novel )

Basically I have an old (in terms of time I've known him - he's 24) friend who I met at University, and who hasn't had a job since graduation. Me and my OH moved away from the area, started a good career each, kept in touch with this guy and his gf. He said he was starting his own business. However flawed his 'business plan' was we still kept in contact, but more and more it felt like he was using us and was in a lot more financial trouble than he let on. Last I posted, he was planning to move in next door (to a very expensive apartment).

Well, he didn't move in next door, but about 10 minutes away on a run down steep hill. Before he moved him and the gf (who works 15 or less hours a week in a pet food store) paid around £300 a month rent for a shared detatched house with garden (in a rough area, but at least it was cheap).Now they pay £425 a month for 3 rooms. One is a small lounge with a kitchen down one side (no partition wall) freshly painted orange. One is a tiny bedroom with no wardrobe (they rented it as furnished), no curtains (or even curtain rails). In fact when I come to think of it the only things they got in the 'furnished' flat are a sofa, table and bed. Literally, no appliances (washer, hoover, fridge freezer, TV) but because they were so keen to 'move up in the world' they signed the contract agreeing to the contents. And are now borrowing money/using credit cards to buy all the 'essentials'. It saddens me that they have to do this but at the same time I'm angry as who in their right mind signs for a flat with no appliances when you have less than no money?

Anyway, when me and the OH went round for a cup of tea we noticed a strong smell of wet socks and big bumps all over the freshly painted orange walls. Now, I'm naive and didn't realise what this was but my OH pointed out when we left that it was damp. Because our (now ex) friend has so much misplaced pride he won't admit it and therefore nothing will be done. Isn't living in a damp house dangerous? So sadly we don't really like going to visit any more because the smell is rather overwhelming and it's pretty cramped (OH is claustrophobic). But we don't like them coming here because they quite rudely ask for food and drink and though we'll happily feed guests, having them literally ask for things is a bit rude IMO however well you know them.

Anyway; with this stalemate we started going out to cheap restaurants, pubs etc to catch up (tbh we were trying to make him see sense, no matter how funny a mate is being you don't want them to be bankrupt or worse still arrested for fraud). But when he's paying for a pint on his credit card you can tell how bad things are.

So the time came for the showdown. He kept saying 'got a big customer soon' and 'if only xxx happened i'd be sorted for the summer' etc. He was loaned a desk in a shared office of a business startup scheme and he actually interviews people for nonexistent jobs. He calls himself 'manager', 'MD' 'Creative Director' ...delusional, yes. He's literally never had a job. He sits at this loaned desk 9-5 every day, browsing the internet. The last money he 'earnt' was his student loan over 18 months ago. He owes his gf hundreds and his family too but that's not really my concern (apart from how he's going to pay it back without losing more friends).

So I suggested he got a part time job to 'tide him over till his customers signed up'. He took huge offence to this. He refuses to work in a restaurant, shop or bar (it's beneath him!?) and can't work in the day due to 'commitments'. He then got very shirty over how much me and the OH spend on ourselves (which apart from being none of his business isn't that much - a meal out a week and a few bits of clothes etc). But we work very, very hard, every day, and yes we like to treat ourselves! He has never, ever said anything nice about anything we've bought and are proud of (eg I bought a PSP and he said he could buy one but he wasn't going to as they're 'crap'). I mean, why be jealous? There are a lot of people I could be jealous of, but why waste the energy?

Anyway to end it we got fed up of his constant lies, the sponging, the negativity and the generally horrible guy he'd become. I've blocked him off my Yahoo messenger and I plan on deleting his number out of my phone. It's horrible it's come to this but I can't deal with him any more. If he'd been honest, faced up to his debt and accepted (after a few months of trying even) that his business wasn't going anywhere and gotten a job (any job!) like an adult, it wouldn't have come to this.

So this is just to say, good on you all for facing your debt and not trying to live like the queen on the postman's wages, as my nana would say! Because it only ends in tears :rolleyes:

piglet6

Hi Paisley, sorry to hear about your friend's attitude to his/her problem and your help...

I read through your other posts and feel for you. I appreciate that it can be difficult for friends at university together... Personally, I had a friend who didn't work for 3 years after graduation...and who kept harping on about how lucky I and OH were to get jobs after graduation (how luck was on our side - everything fell into our laps! - and how easily we had got jobs...like we didn't put in any effort to get where we were...!??!). In reality, we took the first jobs that offered us money after graduation, whereas she wouldn't apply for anything below a certain amount (less than we were earning for full-time employment!) or anything that required her to work Saturdays/Sundays/outside 9am-5pm Monday-Friday... The difference was marked but she wouldn't acknowledge it!!!

Keep strong with your resolve to stay in control of your finances...you are in a much stronger position than your contemporaries!!!

Piglet

Emmzi

Paisley,

friendship's an investment like any other. Return on time invested = amount of happiness friendship brings you.

Well done for balancing the books on this one.

Emmzi

scholt

Hi Paisley, I remember the original posts and this guy is a lost cause, you have done the right thing, I know it couldn't have been easy though

Queenie

Paisley wrote:

... It's horrible it's come to this but I can't deal with him any more. ....

It takes wisdom and courage to know when to walk away from an old friendship. ((hugs))

Paisley_3

Thanks I was worried I'd be the 'bad guy' for not supporting this guy through thick and thin. I hung on for almost 2 years in the hope he'd get a job and sort himself out but it went further and further downhill.

I'm sad that I've woken up this morning and there's no text message, no email. How can you disregard a friendship so easily? I think when it comes down to it he actually started to believe his own lies. Maybe he needs to see a psychologist or something. If I started advertising jobs that didn't exist and interviewing hopefuls then my family and friends would worry. Sadly his family live far away (and therefore swallow his lies much easier as they don't see him day-to-day) and he, well, doesn't have any friends left now (other than people on the internet he chats to but has never met).

Now his equally delusional girlfriend is quitting her job at the pet food store to start her own business too. As a photographer. She doesn't own a camera, she's never photographed anything professionally, she doesn't have a darkroom, or a studio, or a clue. But she's cutting off their only source of income whilst she 'makes it'.

SaveMoreMoney

I don't think your the 'bad guy' - as you say yourself, you..........

"hung on for almost 2 years in the hope he'd get a job and sort himself out but it went further and further downhill."

Best to let them find their own way in life......even if it's in a completely crazy direction. You don't want to get dragged down with them.

They are likely to come knocking when they get into an even worse state and then ask for money on the basis of 'years of friendship'...........and that 'big opportunity' just being around the corner.

Good on you for making a stand - some people will never listen to any advice from others when they are wasting time, effort and money into fantasy projects.

elona

I would love to be a "fly on the wall" and see the girlfriend as a photographer!

Little things like a studio, advertising and even camera and film - not to mention experience or talent would obviously not be required on her planet!

Sounds as if your friend has turned her as delusional as himself!

You have done the right thing in distancing yourself before you got "sucked in" to the fantasy or were asked to fund it.

mattt44

Wow! I agree with elona, all of it, fantasy, pure fantasy, have mates like it, distanced myself, you have to.

Worries me though, why are you worried about getting a txt or email off him? You said you wanted to end the friendship, sounds like you don't want to, to me.

They are going to try to pull you down as well, I can see it, or sponge off you and muck up your relationship with your OH, what the hell does he think about it?

If they turn up on your doorstep with nowhere to go, I bet you wouldn't turn them away and that worries me.

Paisley_3

Yeah I agree I was upset that he didnt text or email, but that was more me being saddened and shocked that he made no effort to apologise for offending us or to save the friendship.

Thankfully they won't be turning up on our doorstep - we live in apartments with video intercom so we can choose who to answer the main door to. Their pride has been their biggest downfall; and I don't think they'll come with the begging cap any time soon (if ever).

Sadly we've just passed the tax year and I wouldn't be at all suprised if he gets pulled up by the authorities. I just hope he hasn't been claiming benefits otherwise he'll be right in it.

When we were all carefree students of course I wanted me and th OH to be succesful, but on the journey I realised that it takes a lot of very hard work (I'm loving lounging around on Bank Holiday though lol!). He doesn't seem to have grown up. The last thing I wanted was for him to fail and by all intents and purposes he has. God knows how they're making the rent and bills.

Even though sadly he's become the type of person I'd rather not know (mainly for the lies), I still worry that he's flushed his life down the pan and has lost the only 2 people willing to try giving him a reality check. My dad and my OH and his family have all said he's a control freak.

The thing that worries me most is that because he didn't get the customers he'd lied to us about he made up a despicable lie about being very ill indeed (insinuating something very serious) and saying he can't drive, use cutlery, see properly, walk - all things he's done without a problem every time we've seen him. He's even been to the doctor and had tests (all came up negative) so he's convinced the doc into giving him a brain scan - he really isn't ill at all and it's almost comical how he forgets to act and suddenly goes overboard on it, but it's really worrying too. Lots of people think this is a sign of serious depression at his circumstances (new area, lonely, no money etc) and some have suggested if his business doesn't go well he may harm himself.

I'm a worrier, what can I say?

Scully's_Girl

You did the right thing, I think. This is the type of person who gets caught up in Multi-Level marketing, pyramids & Ponzi schemes. They go into "business" for themselves, & perhaps in the beginning its fairly legitimate. But it is very difficult to make a business work with no capital & no real drive, & it doesnt appear to me that your friend has either.
I dated a guy like that, & Thank God I got out of it. It took a while for me to open my eyes & see that he was just a Bad Person, of the worst kind. They use, they lie. From what you have said of this friend, they seem to be going down that road.
In addition, he wasnt making much of an investment in your relationship. I "broke up" with one of my friends last year, & was just as hurt when she didnt call or write, even though she was wrong. You only have my word on that, but trust me, she was wrong. She was manipulative & I just didnt need it.
You work too hard. Maybe he'll find his way & come back to you. But he & his GF need to work out their path first, & get themselves sorted. I am very worried for them. I hope they can do it.