The Compers Inn - Part 21

bella165

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Your Humble Client

NoNameWoman

divadee wrote: »

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8138665.stm

This is my new job xxxx

Now this is a good reason why I should be called a witch :cool::D:T
See you later guys x

NoNameWoman

cathyj wrote: »

hi all
thought I would come in and say hi,
havent been in all day for one thing and another

KD says hi and thanks for all the messages, once she has moved, settled down she will come back in, but will have to be careful what is said as it is an open forum and someone can read her posts, she may change her name.

I would like to thank KKK, you have your own problems and in alot of pain, but sent such a lovely note, it was very much appreciated.

I like many watch the MJ tribute, which made me cry even more.

But managed to chat to KD for a while tonight, she is in high spirits, looking forward. Looks like she will be on line on the 14th

xxx

Was going to leave/leaving soon but just meant to say
Cathy, it is great to see you around, my thoughts are with K...it is dreadful to even start to imagine what she' s going through x you have been great throughout the whole thing and hope she lands on her feetx
See you all later

divadee

toniq wrote: »

lol xx diva xx
Did u parents arrive safely?
And did u know another mser has family with swine flu too, so mr diva isn't alone xx

Who else has swine flu Hun? I haven't read back today so don't know

Parents are now in London for a week for work then back to me for 2 weeks

divadee

Have I missed something in my twilight mse? What's wrong with k? Pm if necessary

ikkle87

divadee wrote: »

Who else has swine flu Hun? I haven't read back today so don't know

Parents are now in London for a week for work then back to me for 2 weeks

raggamuffins daughter, she mentioned it on the pepsi thread x

toniq

raggamuffin wrote: »

i have tried looking at the code without opening an they keep opening :rotfl:

could do with a win havent had one except on the magnums since i won the sainsburys vouchers weeks ago ,
daughter has been coonfirmed with swine flu today !! so a new phone would sure cheer her up

i wish pepsi would stop sending me the lem's

also k is stressed of devon xxx

Im cold!!!! gonna watch bb then curl up with travel guide and plan what we r doing xxx night x

wingobins

((hugs)) to K from me too. xx

Diva.. if there's any more of those jobs going, I'd like to nominate my MIL. :rolleyes:

ikkle87

night toni xx

jenniwren12

Night night Toni, just popped back in. Have a good sleep. x Oh by the way, I made it! I got all his 40 pressies for tomorrow! Yay! :T:T:T

Cathy, hope you're ok, please send my very best wishes to SOD, nice to hear she's in high spirits at the moment. xx