Making our wills has become a thorny issue

Ruthie5

OH and I are getting married this summer. We've been together for over 5 years, and bought a house together last year. He has a son (8) from his previous marriage, and I have no children. When we bought the house together, we made the decision to buy it as (I think!) joint tenants, and if anything happens to either of us, the other automatically inherits the house.

More recently, we've decided we should make wills when we get married. Also, OH recently took out a death insurance policy. We talked about it last night, and my plan would be that OH gets my death in service grant/pension, plus the house, and that I would want to made financial gifts (say £10k each to his son and my niece and nephew.) OH said that he would want me to have the house and his son to inherit everything else.

It is a big house, and we are mortgage free. We paid half each for the house. I said to OH that I think I would have some early financial pressures if that were the case, and that I would struggle to maintain this house alone with my salary. OH said, well you probably wouldn't want to live here anyway, you'd sell and get a smaller place and have a financial cushion put away. I saidthat my plan would be to leave him the house and a lump sum, then I joked that I wasn't sure, I was coming out of this very well. OH replied (very thoughtlessly I think) - well, you'd have doubled your moneyon the house!

I feel demeaned by the conversation, and that he thinks I shouldn't be raising this issue. My worry is that I would want to feel I will be financially secure if he died, and not have to make an early decision to move because of financial pressures. But I also feel demeaned, by just having the house, and needing to hand over everything else. His ex-wife is okay, but I feel I would want things to be very clearly set out.

I would feel perfectly happy if he wanted to divide his assets 50/50 between me and his son. But I feel he isn't treating us as equal firsts, and I feel hurt by it. I'm going to have to raise it with him again as I feel so hurt, but I don't want to be unreasonable, because I also think everyone should leave their money in whichever way they want. But I also think it isn't a great way to start our marriage with this cloud.

I don't want to benefit disproportionately, but I do want him to have due regard for my circumstances if he died, and I don't think he does at the moment.

I'd welcome any thoughts that anyone has, or if anyone is happy to share what arrangements they have agreed, I'd be grateful.

picklepick

Im confused, if he dies surely you would be his next of kin and inherit the money from his insurance policy? How old is his son? It would need to go in a trust for him until he comes of age.

Sorry i cant be much help. I dont have any children so im not sure how it would work seeing as you are a step parent.

My mom and dads wills state that me and my sister inherit everything between us including the house under the proviso that we allow my dad (or mom) to live there until they die.

roxalana

I think you seem to be coming at this from different angles.

I suspect you are coming at it from the angle of 'how will I cope if I am bereaved and I can't afford the mortgage and end up being evicted also'

I suspect he is coming at it from the angle of 'I have a son who I want to provide fairly for, she would already get the house which is worth a substantial sum, if I leave money to her as well this will reduce the amount my son gets and may appear as if I love my wife more than my son when I love them equally'

I think both of your points of view are valid. I think you need to discuss it and if you think things will get too heated then perhaps write it in a letter and go out while he reads it? Make sure you put across that you do understand his point of view though

Sometimes it is difficult to imagine the practicalities of what would be a horrible and unlikely event to happen. Perhaps discuss in practical terms what he would have to do after your death if your will was the same as his?

Obviously, it is a possibility that you could not afford to stay in the house indefinitely should he pass away, but you would at least need to be able to survive for a year as houses can take time to sell and I think it is unlikely you will put the house on the market the day after someone dies. I don't know how long the legal stuff takes before you could even put it on the market.

Hope this helps and that my perhaps rather brusque styole of writing isn't offensive!

Ruthie5

Thanks for your thoughts ladies, and Roxlana I didn't find your post at all brusque. I think you're right and we do need to talk some more about it. Thinking about things some more, I think I just need to focus on us both feeling secure and comfortable with the financial provisions we are making for eachother and for his son. I don't think we are quite there yet.

Also, lots of wedding stuff has been happening recently, which is lovely, but quite stressful too, and I am being a bit stressy about lots of things at the moment, so this could be a bit of an over-reaction on my part too.

Thanks for your comments.

ALIBOBSY

Something else to consider is the fact that dependant on age if the worst were to happen you would likely be entitled to some bereavement benefit or an increased pension. You would also get at least a reduction of 25% in most areas for your council tax. Don't you have any life insurance policies which would benefit you if the worst were to happen?

If there aren't any life insurances could he take one out to ensure you had some extra income to cover the house costs whilst leaving the rest of his estate to his son?
Surely any joint savings you have would be half yours and only his half would go to the son?
I am sure you can sort out a compromise where he leaves a decent amount to his son but you ensure you are also not going to have worries if the worst happens.

good luck
ali x

localhero

Hi Ruthie5,

Couples in your situation with a child from a previous relationship often make the mistake of trying to be `fair` and divide their estates between their child and their surviving spouse.

Whilst this may provide some certainty (ie leaving everything to the spouse means that there's no guarantee they in turn will leave anything to their stepchild), it may also leave the surviving spouse short of an income that they may need.

There is a more practical solution when making Wills that meets the competing needs of all your dependants. For example your husband can leave you a `life interest` in the house and other assets, so that you may benefit, but upon your death the capital can be guaranteed to pass to his own child.

Conversely you might prefer your share of the assets not to eventually wind up with his child and have a similar arrangement in your Will so that your husband has security, but the capital ultimately passes to your own relatives, say.

With assets that pass outside of the Will such as life policies, they can be set up in a similar way so that the surviving spouse may benefit, but the capital eventually ends up with someone else (ie their child).

A decent Will writing practitioner should explain all this to you and help you find a practical solution. It is precisely situations like this that causes all sorts of problems when proper plans aren't made.

askakd

why not just take out an additional insurance policy on your Husbands life that pays out to you when he dies. That way he can leave all his money to his son and you can afford to stay in the house

Ruthie5

Ladies, thanks for your advice on this one. OH and I had another chat and I told him how I was feeling. We agreed that we should see a solicitor together and talk through the options for our wills. One of my worries is that I would want his wishes to be clear, so that there are no tricky negotiations to be had with his ex wife. He also said that he would want me to be comfortable if he died and not need to make any early decisions about selling the house, and so would look to settle a sum of money too, which I'm happier about.

Anyway, it's all blown over now, and it also made me think that I should be putting more money into savings, so I upped my monthly ISA contribution too - MSE result!

Floss

If it's any help, I will outline our situation:

The house is OH's, in his name only.
If I die, OH gets employers benefits (death in service & pension) and my 2 DS's get proceeds of my life insurance policies between them. I do not have a house to leave them & wouldn't want to put them or OH in a situation where they wanted money out of their share & forced OH to sell up or pay up.

If OH dies, I get his death in service lump sum. Until we marry, the endowment will pay off & his house will revert to his parents who have already told me they wouldn't evict me......after we marry, it's all mine. He currently has no will.

BTW, don't forget that you can nominate pension life insurance & death-in-service benefits.....even when we are married, my sons will get the proceeds of the current life policies as they are nominated beneficiaries. This may be the way to go for your OH's son - before my sons reached 18, my will was set to pass guardianship to their dad (or to my brother & wife if he died) with my other 2 brothers as trustees to look after the money.

weeclick

The way it works with my parents and us kids is if one goes before the other - the surviving parent will get everything, its then up to that parent to divide any left posessions as requested but obviously they keep the house.

I think, being in the childs position, Im really not interested in any of my parents money and dont even think that way when it comes to wills etc. At most I'd want a few things of scentimental value - IE watch, favourite top or wedding rings etc.

When, and only when both parents go its already been decided that the property and any savings left will go to me and my brother and sister. My dad has 2 kids by a previous marriage and plans on giving them nothing as they havent kept in touch over the years and would rather give it to the kids that actually gave two hoots when he was alive.

I think this way is very fair, Id hate to think I was the cause of any financial stress to either parent if the other died.