Wanted to help someone last night

Burlesque_Babe

I was out last night and met a woman who I'd never met before (the gf of a lad who plays in the same footy team as my OH's son). She was absolutely steaming drunk and had had a huge row (and a bottle of Bacardi) about money with her bf before coming to the pub.

She told me (and I'd never met her before so was a bit surprised at her telling me her life story - but I think it was the bottle of Bacardi that had loosened hertongue!) minutes after meeting that she was 25. She has two small children and has £25,000 of unsecured debt , all in her name from her previous relationship with the father of her two children. She also has £4,000 debt with her current bf (again, in her name, run up by her) He is a brickies labourer and she is half way through hairdresser training, so their income is very low. They live in rented accommodation. She said she spent sleepless nights worrying about how badly her relationship was going with her bf because of the lack of money , the constant rows, the worry he would leave her because he didn't like debt ,and dreaded the postman arriving each day.

I just wanted to help her in some way.

I asked if she had spoken to anyone about the debt and she said no. She said she 'didn't care' about the £25,000 (mixture of unsecured loan, CC and store card) as it was 4 years since the split and 'they hadn't found her yet, and if they did, she'd just make herself bankrupt, so what, it would be over a year later'. She said she saw it as a leaving gift to her previous partner because he had been violent (even though it was all in her name)

In many ways I just wanted to help her, her self esteem was zero. I explained (as my OH did) that in our lives (before we met) we had both been at rock bottom financially - nothing in the cupboard, struggling to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads, but eventually, things did get better and that by continuing with her course, in a year she would be qualified and working as a mobile hairdresser.

She said she understood that, but at the same time wanted a nice house, a nice car, all the nice things in life - now.

At the same time as wanting to help her though, I was a bit bemused by the attitude - I'll just go bankrupt, so what.

We were invited back to their flat, and along one wall were racks and racks of DVD's, CD's and Playstation games. I just wanted to say - sell that lot on ebay and you'll pay off a chunk of the 4,000 you owe, and things will get a little easier.

I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this with everyone, I think the MSE' er in me wanted to help her so much - I've been there with the sleepless nights, the dread of the postman each day, in the past and would never want to go back there but I didn't know what to do.

It was almost as if she wanted it all - now - but didn't want to do anything about the debt, was straining her relationship and, at the end of the day, didn't care if she went bankrupt.

Maybe i'm just saying that if anyone lurking is in a similar position and is sticking their head in the sand, please don't. Although I felt her attitude was a bit foolish, in many ways I felt really sorry for her , but couldn't do anything for her.

sparkle_monkey

I agree that it is sad but if I'm honest it makes me mad - "I'll just go bankrupt", and she seems to accept no responsibility for the mess, just running away from the debt. Every day I read stories of people who are facing all kinds of personal difficulties and yet are still paying off their debts in any way they can. I really admire the courage and humour with which MSE's approach the challenge. I can only hope she finds her way here soon!

Burlesque_Babe

What I wanted to say was - trust me, the chances are they WILL find you. Any debt company only has to start digging around - she has a basic bank account, she said her credit rating was terrible already and if she has her name on any of the utility bills, or maybe has a contract mobile phone, there is every chance she will will be foudn before the six years are up......but I just couldn't tell her that - I'd only just met her!!

vixxen

What are the chances of you seeing her again? You never know, once she's sober and (hopefully) remembers your conversation she might confide in you again at which point you can go into a bit more detail with her.

All you can do now really is hope she has the courage to face her problems sensibly.

My friend ran up a load of debt with her ex boyfriend (most of it caused by him but in her name) and she's been buryin her head in the sand for ages. Last time we spoke about it she had 5 CCs on their max, 3 store cards nearly at their max, a bank loan for £12000 (she took this out ages ago to pay off the CCs but never cancelled them once they were clear) and she owes her Dad about £1500. I've suggested everything I possibly can to help her but she's still not facing up to things, is out socialising every weekend, wears the latest designer clothes and has even got herself a new car but is temping and not interested in applying for a permanent job.

What can you do??

Burlesque_Babe

well, bizarrely, her bf's Mum is my next door neighbour, but until last night we'd never actually met!!!! Strange i've never met her before really, but I think my neighbour goes to them to babysit quite a lot during the week and I remember hearing the little ones in the next door garden last summer, but my OH's son didn't play for the same football team as the bf then, so there was no connection. So, I may actually see her a bit if her relationship survives and we now know who each other are!

I don't want to be accused of poking my nose into her life in any way, but she was so open about it all last night, maybe if I see her visiting next door she may chat again.

dudleyboy

:wall: :doh:

vixxen

Next time you see her simply tell her you enjoyed her company the other night. If she seems a bit embarrassed that she poured her heart out just don't mention that bit until she feels comfortable enough around you to bring it up again.

Plus, if I get myself into another mess I know where to find you to give me some advice so you have helped one person!!

Burlesque_Babe

Well, I have to say Vixxen, I'm certainly no expert, other than been there done that stupidly got the consolidation loan!!!! In the end though I've always paid everything off that I owe and I have learnt by my mistakes and would never ever fall behind now (unless it was completely beyond my control, then I wouldn't ignore it as I would have done years ago) But, I'll always listen to anyone who needs an ear!!!

LookingAhead

Bless you Keren for *wanting* to help. But until people want to really help themselves, you may as well talk to a brick wall.

You'll be a good ear & advice giver when the time is right...

Sometimes people (unfortunately) have to learn a very hard way....

fairylights_2

How frustrating! I have a similar situation (though not so frightened, just more debt) with my sister, who just doesn't seem to understand that she really doesn't need a brand new car - especially when she's consolidating the consolidation loan to pay for it. Just be ready for the time if and when she does need you.

sanfrancisco

I bet she does want to get out of it, she just doesn't know how. Just because we are all knowledgable about selling stuff on ebay etc etc, does not mean that every man and his dog are.

It's also natural that she wants new cars, houses etc etc. We are all bombarded every day with advertisments and others peoples seeming wealth, so we think, this is not fair, why do I have nothing and everyine else (seems) has so much? I dont get it.

I also have to say if I was her I would go bankrupt, she has no assets and would be able to sleep again.

Would it be possible to get her email address, and send a friendly email with mse.com details on?