How much should I help

Morgs

I am 45 years old and I have a new girlfriend. I knew she had money worries when I met her, but it has only recently become apparent that they are quite serious.
She hasn't opened a creditors letter for months on end, including community charge letters and car finance. Both of which are have now reached the court stage among others.
I have written to all 8 creditors with a standard C.A.B. letter
to hold all interest and time to collate all the required information, further to any progress. Plus I went to Citizens Advice with her for an initial meeting and to book a 2 hour appointment soon with an advisor.
I really dont know if I should help her financially where I can, as its not my debt, or let it get resolved first. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

rubyslipper

Hi Morgs

First of all, you sound like a LOVELY partner. There aren't many who would go to such lengths to help someone out like that and she's very lucky to have you.

In my humble opinion, I would not recommend helping her out financially. It sounds like she hasn't had her 'lightbulb moment' and isn't particularly interested in sorting out her obviously very serious situation (either that or she's scared and is being an ostrich). The problem is that if you help her, she hasn't learnt anything then has she? The chances are she'll continue to behave irresponsibly with money/debt as she'll assume you're there to bail her out.

I would suggest you sit down with her and open all the letters together so she can grasp the full reality of what's going on. At this stage of things, your moral and emotional support is worth much, much more than just throwing your hard-earned money at the problem.

Good luck and keep posting!

Ruby xx

Blackruby

I agree with, Ruby Slipper, your support is gong to be much more useful than your cash at the moment. However, I say that only you can decide whether you do want to help out in a financial sense. You know this woman better than us and you know yourself, so really you are the best judge on what you feel comfortable doing.

Morgs

Thank you for that Rubyslipper, I have sat her down and gone through all the letters and paperwork, and it seems to me that she has been the "Ostrich".
I have been through the same thing in a divorce some years ago when I was declared bankrupt through the faulf of my ex, so I have some experience of the situation. I think that you may be right and to keep my help to practical matters and the occasional meal out.

rubyslipper wrote: »

Hi Morgs

First of all, you sound like a LOVELY partner. There aren't many who would go to such lengths to help someone out like that and she's very lucky to have you.

In my humble opinion, I would not recommend helping her out financially. It sounds like she hasn't had her 'lightbulb moment' and isn't particularly interested in sorting out her obviously very serious situation (either that or she's scared and is being an ostrich). The problem is that if you help her, she hasn't learnt anything then has she? The chances are she'll continue to behave irresponsibly with money/debt as she'll assume you're there to bail her out.

I would suggest you sit down with her and open all the letters together so she can grasp the full reality of what's going on. At this stage of things, your moral and emotional support is worth much, much more than just throwing your hard-earned money at the problem.

Good luck and keep posting!

Ruby xx

Morgs

I dont want to fall into the "Knight in Shining Armour" trap, and possibly get drawn too far into her situation that it affects me financially also. Sounds a bit harsh and heartless I know, but I hope its the right approach

rubyslipper

Morgs wrote: »

I dont want to fall into the "Knight in Shining Armour" trap, and possibly get drawn too far into her situation that it affects me financially also. Sounds a bit harsh and heartless I know, but I hope its the right approach

It sounds as though you've been through too far down that road before and it's not fair you should have to do it again. As Blackruby says - it is obviously your call but honestly you have to look after your life too. It is in no way 'harsh and heartless', it is sensible and operating within limits that are going to help her out in the long term, and keep you from putting yourself in any difficult situations.

I think in the short term just make sure you go with her to the appointment with the advisor and perhaps introduce her to MSE!

Blackruby

It's not harsh and it's not heartless, and hopefully your girlfriend will see that. In fact, she might not even accept any financial help from you if it were offered. I know a lot of people like that.

You can still be a Knight and carry on supporting her emotionally as you have been doing.

angelflower_2

I would say is def the right approach Morgs. She will have to reach that point on her own where she wants to sort it out but she wont do that if she has someone helping her every step of the way. Occassional treat would be lovely but dont fall into the trap of paying for everything.

Why not direct her here to see if she can see some of the stories and make a difference?

Morgs

Thank you rubyslipper, I plan to go to the C.A.B. meeting with her if work permits. I think introducing her to MSE is probably a good idea. She had to move into private rented some time ago and can just about afford the rent and food, so she has just ignored all the bills out of fear and hoped they would go away. Im just being careful that subconciously she may see me as a way out of her situation, but she doesnt strike me as that sort of person. Then what do I know, been married twice and a long term relationship, so my track record on reading the fairer sex aint too good. lol xx

rubyslipper wrote: »

It sounds as though you've been through too far down that road before and it's not fair you should have to do it again. As Blackruby says - it is obviously your call but honestly you have to look after your life too. It is in no way 'harsh and heartless', it is sensible and operating within limits that are going to help her out in the long term, and keep you from putting yourself in any difficult situations.

I think in the short term just make sure you go with her to the appointment with the advisor and perhaps introduce her to MSE!

Morgs

Thanks Agelflower, I think you are probably correct. Will have to be careful. x

angelflower wrote: »

I would say is def the right approach Morgs. She will have to reach that point on her own where she wants to sort it out but she wont do that if she has someone helping her every step of the way. Occassional treat would be lovely but dont fall into the trap of paying for everything.

Why not direct her here to see if she can see some of the stories and make a difference?

rubyslipper

Morgs wrote: »

Thank you rubyslipper, I plan to go to the C.A.B. meeting with her if work permits. I think introducing her to MSE is probably a good idea. She had to move into private rented some time ago and can just about afford the rent and food, so she has just ignored all the bills out of fear and hoped they would go away. Im just being careful that subconciously she may see me as a way out of her situation, but she doesnt strike me as that sort of person. Then what do I know, been married twice and a long term relationship, so my track record on reading the fairer sex aint too good. lol xx

Well the fact that you've come here and asked for advice as soon as alarm bells started ringing for you shows that you're a wiser person for all you've been through before. I think you sound terrific and capable of a level of support a lot of people would balk at so good for you.

Re the CAB meeting - maybe if both your work permits you could book the day or even the afternoon of so you can do the meeting then maybe go to the park for a walk or have some lunch in a nice cafe - something non-threatening so she can get her head together without having to dash back to her job.