The 'cant afford a baby' generation?

RoxieW

Hi all,
More of a discussion point then anything else but its something that I'm finding hard to deal with with a particular friend also, so advice gratefully received.
I have 2 boys and another baby on the way - i had my first baby at 20 and as such was the first of my group of friends to have a baby. 6 years on they seem to be catching up and thinking about taking the plunge - and I'm hearing alot of the above. They'd like to start a family but moan that they cant afford it.
One particularly close friend seems to be quite bitter about this and it's coming out in some quite cutting 'half joking' comments to me. Along the lines of (when she found out i was pregnant) 'havent you two done enough breeding,' 'so you've had enough of work then' and carrying on into how her taxes are supporting my family (my husband is a high rate tax payer - she's referring to child benefit, basic tax credits etc that most families get). She seems to think that there's no way she can afford a family.
Now up until recently I've been biting my tongue but the 'taxes' comment recently tipped me over the edge. In my opinion it's not that she cant afford to have a baby - just that her priorities are different. They both work full time and have a mortgage similar to ours - but they're always complaining of being skint. Yet they drive a very fancy car and go on luxury holidays and spend alot of money socialising. I feel like pointing this out to her - we dont have a flash car on the drive etc. When we had our first child we had to go without and rent a small house, not go out and not have a car. It wasnt ideal but we were happy - I feel like pointing out that if she wanted to do this then she could. It's her choice the same as it was our choice. But there seems to be alot of this 'cant afford a baby' attitude around- isnt it just a case of shifting your priorities?

Pee

I think if you are used to living on two good salaries, which is more likely as you get closer to or past 30, the financial considerations of having children are an issue. That said, if I am lucky enough to have a baby, money won't be the reason I miss the weekends away, evenings in the pub or the chance to have a two seater convertible, will it?!

Pee

Do you think your friend is trying for a baby without success or would like one but maybe her OH doesn't think the time is right?

Bear_family

Yes, totally agree with you Roxie. It is about choices and most people don't want to have to go without or live it a bit tough and just want to live for the moment.

I know that it is quite rare to meet your partner at a young age so you don't have as long to save up together, pay off some of the mortgage etc, but then you have to be willing to compromise.

Perhaps your "friend" doesn't realise that her comments are upsetting you and needs a polite reminder.

Bfx

frivolous_fay

You adjust upwards to your lifestyle. We're evidently not on an income like your friend's - certainly no flashy holidays, not a great deal of socialising, and a very cheap car. But (benefits aside) if I were to get up the duff, we'd be looking at, what, a 2 fifths reduction in our joint income? That's a really big thing to get your head around. Then, presumably, money hand over fist in childcare costs to enable me to go back to work.

It's all a moot point for me really because, although we're both 31, the truth is we're more likely to upscale from our house (got our first mortage Jul 07) than start a family. Not because it's more of a priority - but because it seems more doable.

RoxieW

Pee wrote: »

Do you think your friend is trying for a baby without success or would like one but maybe her OH doesn't think the time is right?

Actually, its the opposite - her much older OH is desperate for a baby. She says that she'd like one but sometimes I think if she wanted one so badly she'd make it happen.
I think I'm just getting a bit sick of people passing judgement on us - there seems to be a big stigma around being a young parent - particularly having more than one or two children - and I've had alot of comments on our choice that infer it to be a negative thing, not a positive thing. It's hardly as if we're on benefits or incapable. We're homeowners and my husband brings in a good income - at one point we were both working. The 'Its all well and good for you to keep procreating but we just cant afford a baby' winges are really starting to wind me up to the point of snapping which I dont like to do.

Kaz2904

We've got 2 children. Neither of them were planned. We were in a really poor position when DD arrived and not much better off when DS arrived. We still managed. Even when we had to pay for childcare, it just meant that we went without elsewhere. We both continued to work although most of one wage went on childcare.
Someone once said to me that if everyone waited until they could afford it to have children, then no one would ever have any. I find this quite true really.
Children cost as little or as much as you want them to (apart from childcare). There are other ways of doing it too, if you will lose that much money from paying out childcare, it may be better to give up full time work, stay at home with the children and go out to work in the evenings or at weekends.
People are just too selfish to want to give up their frilly bits (Sweeping statement BTW!).

anguk

The trouble is some people want to have a baby but also want to keep up their existing lifestyle and aren't willing to compromise, it's almost as if people think they have a right to have everything. I had my first over 20 years ago and things seemed so different then, first-time buyers didn't expect a new detatched house, infact in those days you could only get 3.5x your salary mortgage!

If you really, really want to have a baby you will, cutting back on luxuries, holidays abroad, big new house etc. We managed to afford to have a baby on one low income but we lived a modest lifestyle, didn't go on holiday or get new TVs, we didn't have a car and bought many things 2nd hand. My kids certainly didn't suffer because of lack of money either!

I think as a society we've become very greedy, self-centered & selfish!

Pee

It's just a matter of priorities, I think.
And at least getting together young - plus I'm sure some dedicated money saving - leaves you with a very manageable mortgage compared to a lot of your friends.

galvanizersbaby

I have a friend very similar to yours Roxie.

I would agree with the comment that the older couples get (i.e. the DINKY's) the more used to living on a sizeable income and the lifestyle that brings thus the more daunting financially and emotionally having children becomes.


When my friend complains to me that they can't afford a child because she would have to put her career on hold (she is a high earner but her job would be pretty impossible to do part time) however her husband is also a high earner so what she really means is that they couldn't afford to have their current standard of living if they had a child - which currently is more of a priority to them.

I'm in my mid thirties now and a lot of my friends of similar age have decided that the time is right for them to start their families only to discover sadly that they are having trouble concieving which I think is something else to consider from a woman's point of view especially.:(

I think it's really about priorities and what you value most in life

Glen0000

I do get where she is coming from. Once you are above a certain wage, tax credits tail off and some people are just a little too well off for tax credits, but still on a fairly low wage. I have a friend who earns £12k, has 3 kids and each time they have another baby, their tax credits go up. If we had another child we would get nothing at all extra and we are not exactly rolling in it.

Some people do have different priorities, but that doesn’t mean they are wrong. I grew up in large family and hate that fact we were poor. I swore my child would have more, and that does mean more than a basic existence. That may be fine for some but not others.

We are on £40k between us a year. Yes we could “afford” another, but our lifestyle and more importantly our child’s would suffer. I want to have savings for uni, afford driving lessons, school trips etc.

It may not be important for you to have a nestegg for your child when they are 21 or to pay for uni, but some people see this as essential, especially those of us (like me) who didn’t get that help. [FONT=&quot]
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If you don't rely heavily on tax credits or handouts, it is no ones business what you do really.

BTW I was a young parent and would not have one now if I had not had any. I would not go back to beeing skint, even if it meant not having kids.
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