Son's girlfriend

NBirdy

At 26 I was living independently in the 'granny annexe' of the family home (own kitchen, bathroom, lounge, bedroom etc) and paying rent. I was also engaged, but there as no way my parents would allow me to have my fiance to stay overnight! If for some reason he needed to stay over, he had to sleep in the spare room in their part of the house (right opposite their bedroom lol). They've relented now I'm in my 30s and married though lol.

My point is that they set the rules to what they felt comfortable with in their own home, and my options were to stick to those rules or move out (further). If I had rented a flat elsewhere I would have had to abide by my landlord's rules there too.

Silverbird

When I was dating my now husband (we were both 24) we lived about 40 miles away from each other. I don't have a car and on Fridays I would travel by 2 trains and a bus to get to his (or he would come and collect me from my home/work or from the station). I would stay the weekend and go back home on Sunday afternoon. I would usually stay at his sister's and sometimes at his parents' house. As far as I'm aware there was never a problem with this.

I've also been left alone in both houses when OH has had to go and do something or has had to go to work (he sometimes worked a few hours at the weekend). I would generally just put a DVD on or do stuff on the internet. Despite my in-laws being lovely, I have always felt very conscious of myself and make it a habit not to 'get in the way', so I felt much happier staying in OH's room when I was at his parents'. MIL would sometimes come up and we'd have a chat about anything and everything, but mostly I sat waiting for him to come home and although it was boring at times it was definitely worth it. Try to remember how you used to feel when you saw your boyfriend after missing him. We tried to be together as much as we possibly could and I'm glad that this didn't seem to bother his parents in the slightest.

I should also point out that OH was the only child left living with his parents when I met him, so their house was very quiet, whereas I was the eldest of 4 and it was (and still is) a mad house. My OH found it difficult to cope at mine, so that's why I always ended up at his! I know my parents wouldn't have found it an issue to have him round though.

My parents reduced my rent because I was only at home 5 days a week and OH paid his parents a little more because I was there at the weekends, although we did always buy and prepare our own meals. I would often help MIL out with cooking or cleaning and I used to regularly clean OH's room (I had asked him if he wanted me to and he said he'd love it - MIL was more than impressed!)

After we'd been together 11 months, OH proposed to me and we were married a year later. I knew my in-laws very well at that time thanks to spending so much time with them and in my wedding speech I thanked them all for welcoming me with open arms and told them how much it had meant to me.

So, I think you know my opinion about this from all of the above! If these were teenagers we were talking about, I would think it was a bit different, but for adults in their 20's I think they should be given a bit of freedom. Effectively living with my OH for a few hours each weekend really helped us to see that we would live easily together and made the transition when we moved out extremely easy and natural (we moved in together a year later).

(on another note, I've yet to hear of a boyfriend and girlfriend spending a few hours alone whilst waiting for the other to arrive etc and then using it as an easy way of moving themselves into the parents' house to live permanently with them.)

At the end of the day though, you are the owners of the house and it's your life and your rules. If your son and his girlfriend aren't happy then they will move into their own place. OH and I did this because we wanted our own rules and privacy and eventually your son and his gf will feel the same.

AnnieM_3

home_but_not_alone wrote: »

I'll regard their relationship as serious at the point they make a commitment to each other e.g. get engaged or move in together

Moving in with each other is more difficult in these financially tough times, and getting engaged is a huge step in any relationship - it doesn't mean you're not serious about each other just because you haven't exchanged rings yet!

I think maybe you need to ask your son if HE regards it as serious, and then tell him you'd feel like his girlfriend is moving in if she's going to be spending so much time at your house, and that you just don't want semi-permanent house guest (even though she may be lovely?!).

That's probably a good moment to suggest that if their relationship is serious that maybe they should move in together in a place of their own, and perhaps offer to help with finding somewhere/moving/decorating etc.? That way you come across as really supportive, and it's not just a refusal.

You must tread carefully, so as not to cause a rift between you and your son, if he feels you're 'rejecting' his girlfriend. Reading between the lines you don't seem awfully keen on her, but she could end up being your daughter in law one day...

Good luck!

AnnieM x