My situation is impossible and i am stuck.

grandpaw

Hi all,

I used to live in England but now live back in Scotland. Before i moved home, i worked for 2 companies in IT and i was doing well. A relationship which started in Scotland eventually took precidence and i found a contract in this area.

I got a place with the person in this relationship and 2 months after we moved in, i was paid off the contract and since then i have been pretty much unemployed.

There is nothing around here. Having worked in IT is seems that warehouse jobs and stuff ignore my applications and there is no other relevent IT jobs here.

In the last 14 months, i have had 9 job offers across the UK (applying at the rate of around 5 jobs per day). 4 of these companies actually approached me.

My partner never seems to be hapy with where i get a job.... so i have to turn them down but its getting to the point that now i feel like i am stuck in Limbo.

My partner has paid the rent for the last 12 months and i am often irratable at feeling worthless and because i do not much provide anything, i feel i have no indepedance or say in anything. If we argue... there is not much to say so retorts are low.

Before all of this, i used to live alone on a horrible paycheck and i was often very poor, sometimes i even went a week on pasta and i had 3 miles a day to walk there and then the same back.

The funny thing is i really really miss those days. I didnt have anything or anyone but i felt self value and progress. Now i have nothing.

The relationship is starting to get on my nerves because you dont know someone till you move in. I feel like i am responsible for making my partner unhappy due to my unemployment and even if i did take a job in.... say.... London, she will be so homesick that ill end up even more irritated. She wants a family and i dont think i am there yet. Or maybe i am but the point is, im drained in these circumstances.

I do not seem to be so upfront and confident as i was before. I used to feel like a bit of a geezer in terms of... my attitude but now im just an empty shell.

I feel i want to call it a day on my relationship because i feel i may always be like this now. I need to basically accept the next job i am offered and begin to grow again but i dont think i want the relationship to drag me down in the process.

I love my partner and i love living with her but i dont think there is a way to say "wait for me for a year till i sort myself out" but if i dont do my own thing in the world, im going to end up in a factory.

What can i do in this situation? I really dont have any money and i dont talk with the family much. I need to move myself and my PC into my own space and then bide my time until the next UK job offer comes up and then ill go for it.

The thing is, if i dont live here then im homeless basically. In terms of housing, if i talk to the partner about how i need to do something before i concentrate on a relationship (as clearly this is not working out as well as it started) then is it possible to get a B&B somewhere temporarily or does that only apply to families?

Also, how do you say "thanks for paying for everything and being good to me, but i want to go on a break?" Coz the last thing i want to do is break someones heart but i have an incling that i could be here for long term and as day to day goes, the person in the mirror aint who i want to be.

Cheers.

Horace

If you have been offered another job in another part of the country then my advice especially in the current clmate is to take it. Maybe time apart from your partner will clear the air and make you appreciate each other more. Also you need to be completely honest with her - say that you are not ready to settle down on a permanent basis and that you are not ready to be a parent yet...best do that rather than string her along.

If she loves you for who you are and not for your job then good, if she gets upset about you getting another job - is she the right person for you?

Life is too short for what ifs...? Sure she is going to feel hurt but better now than when she has sprung kids on you.

grandpaw

Thanks Horis for your kind words. Im going to think about this alot over the next couple of days. I agree with what you are saying.)

debtfreein4years

i think you should take the next IT job you are offered and go with it. if you partner loves you then she will be willing to move anywhere to be with you even if it does make her miserable at leaving her friends and family behind. whats more important, being with the one you love and not likeing the location or being iwht the one you love and having them resent you for not moving to allow you to get a job?

ive done both sides of this. my partner moved to aberdeen to be with me and hated it with a passion up there. he wanted to move to durham where he has family and so we moved and i hate it down here, but i gave up my job and have no income and have to rely on him for everything but i dont resent him one bit for this. i may feel like my house is a prision somedays but i definely dont resent him.

on the plus side of moving somewhere new its a chance to make a fresh start with no emotional ties to the area and if it does happen to be london, i bet you will have a lot of weekend visitors and she wont have time to be homesick.

you need to decide what is best for you, not what is best for your partner as if you are unhappy then you are not doing your relationship any favours and it might be that you need some time apart to get your head together.

p.s where are you livng in scotland. whats the nearest biggest town as might be able to suggest some places.

bookduck

You have not said what you do in IT.

I can only think of 3 things to suggest (1) take the first job that comes along and keep applying. (2) being stuck in the middle of nowhere could be a benefit if you advertise your position to various companies down south as their ;in location engineer; - and just get paid when things go wrong, (3) Become a contractor and work a way from home - at least fr the first job as it will give you a break and ££££.

While you have been unemployed for the year I hope you have been doing some certs!!!

cheap_charlie

I agree with PPs - if you get the chance of another job, no matter where it is, take it.

My late husband was a freelance worker in IT and I knew from the off that he went where the work was. In all the time we were together, he was away from home most weeks but we got used to it.

As a result he was rarely out of work because he had no "gaps" in his CV and I learned to live with things the way they were - treating some of his contracts in Belgium, Germany and the Netherlands as an opportunity to visit somewhere new.

Relationships are about give and take and hopefully your girlfriend will realise how important it is for you to work (especially if you are freelance!) and understand.

My husband worked away from home for years and still got home nearly every weekend (if he didn't I usually went to visit him!) and in all that time we had a child together so it is possible - but you have to both be understanding and want to make things work.

rosered1963

Hi grandpaw.

I felt sad and concerned reading your email. I was in this position ten years ago, and let it go on for two years so I know how you feel. I just have a couple of things to say:
You don't say how old you are, but I am guessing you are a young man. I would agree with the other posters that you should take a job offered to you if its in your line, even if you have to move away. If your partner is right for you, she will respect your decision and find a way to visit you. If she isn't right for you, you haven't lost anything. It would be great if you could tell her what you have told us in your post! Next, your financial /homeless situation. Nothing will change until you get some financial independence, which means a decent job. If you moved to, say, London, for a new job, you could always stay in a YMCA until you got cash together for your own rented place/a houseshare. If you don't mind me saying so, it sounds like you are in a rut, and only where you are in Scotland because your partner is there. This isn't a very happy situation, either financially, or for your relationship. You could make contact with your family and old friends now so you don't feel so cut off, and make plans now to move on with your life and career. Your girl with still be there if its meant to be. Life is too short to spend in the wilderness.