Advice to make OH see the light...

Northernbird_2

Since I found MSE, I've been trying really hard to get our finances in order. I'm still in fire fighting mode, sorting out urgent debts, getting back under control etc, but I think I'm doing pretty well.

The thing is, how do I get OH to think along the same lines? He knows how much debt we're in, he knows it's pretty (really) bad, and he is working really hard at the moment to bring in more money (he's self-employed). I can't fault him for the work. We've barely seen each other for three weeks now!

But on an everyday basis, it still doesn't seem to sink in for him. I did my spending diary and after a couple of months got my spending down from about £5 a day (!) to barely 30p (I need my fruit). I've got my household bills down, I'm selling stuff on ebay, I'm always thinking of how to save money. I'm slowly changing my attitude so now I know I don't have to spend money.

I'm accepting we're not going to be able to do much for a while, but OH is still not quite there. He ended up giving me his cash card because he just kept taking money out and frittering it away. Our home computer completely packed up (a bad purchase and pre-MSE), and I'm considering getting a good value PC and then reconditioning the old one to sell. He's still wanting to get the most expensive one blah blah blah...! I may be able to cash in an old pension he has and the first thing he said was ooh, I could get a guitar with it - it's my pension after all! When I look at the reduced section in the supermarket, he turns his nose up, and scoffs when I spend a while deciding what brand to get, working out £ per 100g etc. We leave the house at 6.30am and I always get up early to make our sandwiches for breakfast & lunch.

I feel like the 'bad mommy' all the time, and part of me is resentful that I'm denying myself stuff to get our debts paid off, and yet he's not doing the same. He's a good man, and I love him but this is making it harder than it already is.

Any advice or tips/tricks that could help??

davek1

Northernbird

Welocme and well done so far. Can i suggest you show him this post. it might make him realise how you feel and that he has to do something to help. Sorry not a lot more i can suggest but good luck.

dinkylou

Northernbird.

I dont know how big your debts are but have you tried using the snowball calculator to shock him?

I know for me that was the final straw, when I saw how long I would be in debt. I felt sick and was determined not to waste any more money.

https://www.whatsthecost.com

jellycat40

I am sorry for you that you don't have the support you need, but he has given you his cashcard and whilst he may be turning his nose up at the reduced section of the supermarket, he is coming with you. I can see his point about the pension. I would leave it where it is, cashing it in could be a mistake as you need to look at the bigger picture and to the distant future. Also he may be justified in wanting something for himself from his savings and maybe putting most of it to the debt if you decide to cash in.

Be a bit kinder to yourself, your creditors will give you a hard enough time without you giving yourself one.

Overall you seem to be doing really well.

Louise

Kevicho

Someone on here once posted that they told the OH that the monthly payments they were making could afford a decent pc, and someone said about buying a car

You need to find his weak spot and then say once out of debt you'll be able to afford it

Incentives

fairylights_2

Men! Go figure. Oh was the same at the start - especially offensive since his debt was worse than mine, but I found his carrot. He really wanted some prescription Oakley specs. I have some - yes the frames weren't cheap but they were a Christmas gift so I didn't pay for them - one of the reasons I only got new lenses rather than new specs last week. ANYWAY ... I showed him the budgets and told him if he stuck to it, then he could afford some Oakleys when eyetests came round again. Then we got notification that we were exempt from NHS charges, so ... you've guessed it ... :cool: (my OH now!) Posh frames, free lenses and eyetest, and they were fully budgeted for. The next carrot is the Canada trip in May. If he wants to do everything posh, we have to budget for it!

As far as pensions go, I'm with you for cashing it in. Right now you are paying a fortune in interest whilst you have cash sitting there. Better pay off your debts and then start saving again. We had pension paperwork through the post today. Do you the bank have decided they're not going to make any more from us in interest payments?!?!

I'd also show him the thread. He needs to realise how you feel about all this!

Tondella

I had the lightbulb moment before my OH too. At first he was happy to let me sort out the debts etc, I managed to get him to do a budget, but didn't know he still had an overdraft on the go too!! I think he came around through a series of small things
1) seeing me plan ahead for Christmas and pay it all from ebay money - he really got into selling stuff on ebay
2) telling him how much we were spending on debt repayments and that it was equivalent to his having a landrover discovery and our going away for a nice long weekend every month!
3) giving him small goals to look forward to, for instance when we pay off our first credit card we will treat ourselves to a little dinner out.
4) the realisation that if we didn't tackle our debts now while we have few responsibilities and are able to, we'd be facing a much larger problem in the future (probably with kids and house in tow)
He's become virtually self-righteous about the way we view money and spending now. Bless!
Ultimately, people work in different ways so, like fairylights in the post above, you've got to find what makes him tick and somehow work that into a goal, so he has something to visualise and work towards. I think showing him the snowball calculations might help too, you could do a two stage - here's what happens if we just pay off minimum amounts and here's how it improves if we can find the extra money to put towards the debts.

tango

hi northernbird, i got a thread in the marriage forum,on how men and women deal with money, which mirrors what you and the other people have said here.
its one of the hardest things to deal with, from my own experience, but as people have said everyone has their "carrott" that they need, maybe just keep plugging away till you find it!! :rotfl:

jobbingmusician

Northernbird wrote:

Our home computer completely packed up (a bad purchase and pre-MSE), and I'm considering getting a good value PC and then reconditioning the old one to sell.

Where are you, Northernbird? We have some antique but functioning computers (fine to use on the net, we were using them on broadband until 2 weeks ago) to give away - they are in North Buckinghamshire. Would one of these be any use?

Anyone else interested PM me.

Northernbird_2

Thanks but I'm nowhere near you I'm afraid. I'll need to get something that will cope with OH's accounts as well. I'll figure something out with it. The thing that bugs me is that we only bought it 14 months ago and just as it's out of warranty it goes. I know, I know, I should have bought the additional warranty....

I appreciate the offer - thank you.

Also thanks to all of you who have posted - it's nice to know I'm not alone sometimes, and that can help a lot.