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Matainance payments to whom does it matter

Hi there
I have been through a really nasty divorce and it has somewhat left me sort of mentally scarred, i have been paying the required ammounts of payments to my children by standing order into my ex bank account.
The problem is i thnik i may need councelling or something because just seing her name brings back horrific memories and i so want to move on and put this all behind me, but i also want to do the right thing and pay for my kids.
Is is legal and possible to pay the monies directly into my childrens accounts with a standing order ? then she can get to it from there if she wishes ? and i dont even have to see her name then ?
The csa are not involved at all and we have used the csa calculator to determine the right ammount to be paid.
I was thinking of splitting it 3 ways cos i got 3 kids and paying it directly to their accounts.
Is this possible and legal, if it is then she cant taunt me any more.
any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

  • dimbo61
    dimbo61 Posts: 13,727 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Having been there done that and got the t-shirt I can only say try to avoid
    having anything to do with the CSA.
    If you get letters from the csa then stop paying to your ex via standing order as the csa often will not take into account any payments you make direct and make this clear to your ex that this is what you will do if she contacts the csa.
    Try and keep things friendly with the ex if you have regular contact with your
    children as she can stop your contact at any time !
    The money you pay your ex wife is for your kids and that includes the food on the table, gas & elec , rent, and all the other costs of bring up children.
    GOOD LUCK
  • johnllew
    johnllew Posts: 1,928 Forumite
    IME, you don't want to do anything to upset her; if she has the kids she has the ability to make life difficult. She may regard your paying the kids direct as being awkward and it's bound to rebound on you. Just grin and bear it till the kids are 18 or so and she loses her power over you.
  • marksoton
    marksoton Posts: 17,516 Forumite
    armadempoe wrote: »
    Hi there
    I have been through a really nasty divorce and it has somewhat left me sort of mentally scarred, i have been paying the required ammounts of payments to my children by standing order into my ex bank account.
    The problem is i thnik i may need councelling or something because just seing her name brings back horrific memories and i so want to move on and put this all behind me, but i also want to do the right thing and pay for my kids.
    Is is legal and possible to pay the monies directly into my childrens accounts with a standing order ? then she can get to it from there if she wishes ? and i dont even have to see her name then ?
    The csa are not involved at all and we have used the csa calculator to determine the right ammount to be paid.
    I was thinking of splitting it 3 ways cos i got 3 kids and paying it directly to their accounts.
    Is this possible and legal, if it is then she cant taunt me any more.
    any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    This would not be a good move. Continue as you are. You have children together so i am afraid you and this woman will be linked one way or the other for a long time.
  • kelloggs36
    kelloggs36 Posts: 7,712 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Paying money direct into children's bank accounts does not count as maintenance - why not pay it into her account - you still don't have to have any contact with her!!
  • cte1111
    cte1111 Posts: 7,390 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    It's understandable that you still feel bad after a nasty divorce, and separation from your children. I think you might well benefit from some counselling though, to try and come to terms with how life is now. Have you tried to talk to your GP about how you are feeling? They might be able to refer you for counselling, or maybe help you with some anti-depressants to help lift you for a while.

    From reading other posts on here, it sounds like if you pay money directly to your children, then the CSA would not see it as maintenance. So if your ex went to the CSA in the future, they wouldn't take those payments into account. If you are relatively OK with the amount of maintenance that you are paying, I would definitely avoid the CSA. They can cause terrible stress and worry and leave all parties in right mess.

    But it's OK to feel angry and feel bad when reminded of your ex. I felt angry this evening after arranging to drop off my DD to see my ex's mother (he can't be bothered to contact me directly, so all arrangements have to be made by his mum). And I've been happily re-married for over 3 years, and am happy with my husband, it doesn't mean that I can just switch off that part of my life. It's just learning to deal with things in a way that you can cope with that is important.

    Maybe you can set up a separate current account that you just use to pay your maintenance? Then you could have a standing order from your main account to the second account, and wouldn't have to look at your ex's name on your bank statements. Ask the second bank to stick to online statements, and all you need to do is check the balance now and then to see that nothing extra has happened to your account.
  • pinkpig08
    pinkpig08 Posts: 2,829 Forumite
    If you have a standing order set up could you change the name of the standing order to 'maintenance' or something like that? We have a standing order set up to the CSA and we had to put the name in. Or could you go through the CSA, then your standing order would be to them and not her?
    Sealed Pot Challenge #817 £50 banked :)
  • onetomany
    onetomany Posts: 2,170 Forumite
    my hubby didnt see his son for a while (not his choice) but he has always paid csa into my bank on time please keep paying into her account then she carnt throw it back at u , and you can prove u have been paying good luck
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