big problem need help

mgcasper

My Dad was diagnosed as having brain cancer. He has been off work for 6 months now and wont be going back for at least another six. He has no mortgage but a couple of months before his fit (thats how we found out, huge fit)He took out a loan and payed of the mortgage and some other debt. the loan is for at least 10 grand probably more. He only gets certain benefits. My mother is also on benefits as she is ill as well. My sister and me paid until the loan untill the loan insurance kicked in. About 450 pounds.The problem is as follows. Dad wont reveal how much hes loaned from whom or for how long. We dont know when the insurance runs out. He has buried his head in the sand. Its causing huge arguments which in his condition isnt ideal. We think without knowing the exact details of the loan that he should sell up and move to a smaller home and pay of the debt. Without the detials we cant help or plan. My mother is going out of her mind. Any ideas at all would be apprecited I cant afford to supplement much more than I already am,( sister and me helping out with other bills and shopping etc). HELP.

magentadreamer

Unfortunately there isn't alot you can do untill your Dad decides to tell you how much it is for and from whom. A sneaky idea is perhaps if he's got old bank statements stashed away prior to his illness your Mum could take a look then at least you'd know where he got the loan from but even that isn't going to tell you how much he actually borrowed and over what period of time.I doubt any lender would tell you if you enquired either Given his condition it must be extremely worrying for you all and this change of personality/need for secrecy could be due to his illness. Hopefully he'll see sense and realise you are trying to help and not just gang up on him.

mountainofdebt

I think the best way of tackling this problem is gently explain to your dad that you and your sister want to help but unless you know what you are dealing with you can't help.

You also need to tell him that you can't help him or your mum with their medical condition/treatment but you can help with their day to day affairs until they are ready to take over again.

You could also take the approach that you want to be able to make sure that he and your mum are claiming everything that they are entitled to...

Whatever happens, don't make this develop into another argument but at the end of the day, if your dad (and your mum?) is not prepared to let you help then I don't see how you and your sister can help.

mgcasper

Mum can see what the problem is. Tried all angles softly softly angry man and all inbetween. He knows we are concerned but cant bring himself to open up. To admit he needs help is like admiting he wont recover. We cant get at his records as he has stashed them away and because of his condition deosnt leave the house. I am getting very worried.

magentadreamer

I can imagine it's very worrying, is there anyone else perhaps a non family member who might be able to help? Or whould that just antagonise him further into thinking he can't cope? Sometimes it's hard for a parent to have to rely on their children for things when they've always been the one who've helped their kids.

fbs_4800

Not that I would suggest you do so for one second............!

But...

Surely between you all, you are very well placed to know ALL his finacial details and thus go to the Experian or Equifax website and log onto his credit record?

VERY wrong and VERY immoral so DON'T do it.

I'm only telling you so that if you do think of it you WON'T do it.

Good luck.

davilown

fbs_4800 wrote:

Not that I would suggest you do so for one second............!

But...

Surely between you all, you are very well placed to know ALL his finacial details and thus go to the Experian or Equifax website and log onto his credit record?

VERY wrong and VERY immoral so DON'T do it.

I'm only telling you so that if you do think of it you WON'T do it.

Good luck.

Naughtly naughty totally immoral not to mention illegal...............

......but if the situation demands a radical solution .................

beer monster

asharon

it would ruin any relationship they have and make matters far worse. Trust is important.

saver_sam

fbs_4800 wrote:

Not that I would suggest you do so for one second............!

But...

Surely between you all, you are very well placed to know ALL his finacial details and thus go to the Experian or Equifax website and log onto his credit record?

VERY wrong and VERY immoral so DON'T do it.

I'm only telling you so that if you do think of it you WON'T do it.

Good luck.

Would these kind of details not show up if your mum applied for her credit file as they are linked financially? Then its not illegal if its there and you now have that info

jobbingmusician

mgcasper wrote:

He knows we are concerned but cant bring himself to open up. To admit he needs help is like admiting he wont recover.

I think there is a mix of 2 things going on here - at least, I think I would be worrying about 2 things in your situation. The first is about the loans and the present situation if your dad gets well, and the second is worrying about what would happen if, God forbid, he doesn't get well and even gets worse.

I'm going to think about the second scenario first, because that's the scarey one. Might it help if you actually said to him that you want to prepare for the very worst situation - because Murphy's law says that the more you prepare for something, the less likely it is to happen, after all! I think your family should sit down and discuss what he would want to happen if your dad's cancer suddenly got worse instead of better, and you had to make decisions for him. Explain to him, if you can, that you want to plan things - you would have to know then what debts you were dealing with! I think that this is the discussion he is shying away from having. Have you decided in your own mind whether he is able to deal with his own financial affairs? You might need to decide as a family what would make you decide that you wanted to apply to manage his affairs - I am NOT saying that you are in that situation at the moment. If you feel that his cancer has (perhaps temporarily) affected his judgement so that he is NOT able to manage his own affairs, this might be a good place to start to look for help.

The first scenario is a lot easier. To be honest, your dad is probably right in thinking that SHORT TERM nothing dreadful will happen about loans - a verifiable diagnosis of brain cancer will deter most debt chasers in the short term.

I do hope your dad gets better very soon. I'll post again if I can think of anything more intelligent to say - please keep posting and let us know when the situation is sorted out. All the very very best

lazza_w

To follow from the last post, have you considered talking to your dad about giving a family member or someone else that he trusts power of atourney over his financial affairs?

As Jobbingmusician said, his judgement may already be affected by the disease, although he may not be aware of it himself (or maybe he is just a stubborn !!!!!! like me!).

It may be worth taking the tact that, although at present he is (or thinks he is) able to organinse his own finances and other legal matters, that a deterioration in his health may leave him unable to do so in the future. You could therefore try to persuade him that giving someone control over his financial affairs now could avoid having to go through lengthy legal processes in the future if, god forgive, his condition deteriorated.

If that doesn't work, how about using someone completely independant (financial advisor etc). Perhaps there is a councellor from the health services that could offer advice on how to talk to him about the problem?


I was also thinking, from a general quality of life point of view, that if you can persuade your dad to let someone else look after his finances that it will also relieve him of a lot of worry (I am guessing that he owes a significant amount of money if he if trying to hide if from his family). Putting unnecessary stress upon himself is probably not the best thing for his health at the moment so would also be in his long term interests.

Whtever happens, I wish him a speedy recovery. Good luck!