There's always something

Mupeteer

You know when things seem to be going ok, why is it something has to come along that upsets it all?

I've been trying to deal with my own debt for the last year or so and I can't say it's going too well at the moment but, given that I'm a student with a couple of years to go and a mortgage to pay and ..., I've accepted that the next 2 years will be rough but when I start working I'll get sorted once and for all. So I'm ok with that. Obviously I'd prefer not to be in debt but I've accepted it.

Anyway, I split up with a long term boyfriend at the beginning of the summer and it felt as if my life was falling apart. But a little while later I met someone else and have been seeing him since and all has been well. Despite my lack of cash though, he had borrowed some money from me. I needed it back the other day as I had a bill to pay so asked him to get it for me. Instead of getting me the money he sat and told me that he's been hiding something from me and he is addicted to gambling. Shocker. Don't know what to do. I want to help him and he has said he will go to GA. He wants me to take his bank cards and look after his money so that he doesn't have funds to gamble with. It's really difficult though, between my money problems and the fact that we've only known each other for a while.

I'm just not sure what to do.

doodledo_2

(((hugs))) Mupeteer that must have been a huge shock.

I don't know much about your situation with your OH but I suppose the first thing is to decide if you can stay with him knowing he has kept this from you.

If you do then are you strong enough to deal with his money as well as your own, like you say you are struggling with yours can you take that added stress as well.

I know absolutely nothing about Gambling but I know there are some ex gamblers on here and they may be able to offer you some better advice on supporting him.

The good thing is he has now come clean and seems to want to change.

Good luck hun.

Mupeteer

He has paid me back today and has given me his bank card so I truly believe he wants to sort himself out. We also checked out GA meetings last night and there is one locally that he is going to go to on Monday night. I'll be taking him there so I know for sure he'll go. He's at least making all the right noises.
I've also suggested he go to all the bookies he usually uses and asks them not to serve him anymore. However, he was up later than me last night and I just checked the history on the computer only to find he's been on gambling sites. I've now set up a new user account and put controls in place to stop him accessing these.
I can't think of anything else I can do to help but any suggestions would be welcome.
As for him not having told me until now I can understand that. Its not something I would expect someone to tell me when we first start seeing each other and I guess it then gets difficult to find the right time. The most important thing is that he has told me now.

themagics

yes you are right he has come clean and although he's not known you for very long he has put his trust in you, as for him gambling again when you were in bed thats how he prob got in the mess in the first place part of me says give him what for but then part of me says he needs help as already mentioned there are ex gamblers on here and they may be able to offer advice on how to help kick his habit, i often find pushing someone doesnt always get the result you want so may be you controlling the computer is a good start i just hope he does go mad with you over it if he does then go to my first instinct and what someone else said get rid cos no one minds supporting someone they love but no one wants it to cause any more probs either good luck , big hug, you know him better than us i'm sure you'll make the right decisions

ZTD

:grouphug:

Things just don't seem to go smoothly for you at all do they?

Well - you have a choice. You can either stay, or you can go. Though I do have questions for you to answer - if only to yourself.

How seriously do you like this person? If you go, how badly will you feel about it?

If you stay, can you cope? Can you cope with the lies and deceit that come with an addiction? Can you cope with the promises and threats that will come when he wants his cards back to gamble some more? Or when you just get inbetween him and his addiction? Can you cope with the role of being a carer? Can you cope with him going to the door of GA, waving good bye to you and then not going inside?

I'll stick a little bit of my opinion in here now: I don't really know you, but I do know you've been through a hard time. IMHO, you are probably feeling a little fragile, and could do with quite a bit of being cared for, rather than being a carer. But you know you a lot better than I do only you know your state of mind.

You can stay, or you can leave. But both have a cost, and only you know if you can pay either of them.

The choice on which you do is yours, and yours alone alas.

:grouphug:

Mupeteer

ZTD, thanks so much for your reply. You've given me a lot to think about, stuff I guess I had been trying to avoid.

I haven't come to any decisions yet but at least I'm considering it all now.

Wol2

Hi sweets

Saw your post but to be honest I've been under the duvet...however...

I think it's great he told you...I think it's great he has paid you back...but ......
....I don;t know him..and to be honest my concern/care is for you my friend......hence this post is addressed to you....

Sweetheart - you are still vulnerable and shaky after the "big let down".....we all like to help other people when we ourselves are feeling carp and feeling like we have no significance in the world...it helps distract us from our own feelings......

...You Hun..have a lot to lose at the moment..especially as you've come so far and well done to you HUn :T :T

..There is nothing wrong in supporting this guy........AS LONG AS YOU PROTECT YOUR (VERY VULNERABLE AT THE MOMENT) SELF.......

YOU are what matters ATM...you have had a hard time, a desperate time, you did not deserve......and you do NOT deserve to potentially put yourself at "long term"risk now..(aka mortgage etc) ..for "interim feel good factor" .

I am not saying don;t do it...I am saying that before you decide to take a course of action, please please make sure you have protected yourself....if you want to ring me to discuss then please do so.(PM me if you need my phone number) ..I myself have learned a lot about this over the last year.......

...and ZTD has the right of it.........you need to think about how you will deal with any potential repurcussions (god forbid they will happen)

Mupeteer sweetheart, you are a lovely special person, your heart is golden......if you are sure, then you really do have my full and utter support......please let's just make sure you have a few safety nets Hun.......


After all let's remember what they say - first put on your own oxygen mask... otherwise you will not be able to help others.....(why do you think I've been under the duvet these last weeks )

Hugs to you, glad to see you posting..and whatever you decide to do HUn....you have my support and I am always here for you..........

Hugs...and more hugs

Wol2
xxx

MyLastFiver

"He has paid me back today and has given me his bank card"

Brilliant! This means a lot and is a big sign of his commitment 1. to you and 2. to getting better.

You are helping him by keeping his bank card and restricting his computer access, but I do know something about gambling (yes, I was the gambler) and if he wants to do it he will find a way. You can protect yourself from his losses by not giving or lending him any money, at all, no matter how much he begs/shouts. And he will beg and shout and try to manipulate you in any way he can. Also, don't enter into any joint financial arrangements with him at all. No joint bank accounts, no rental agreements and no mortgages. He may get better but give it a couple of years before you trust him with money.

You need to ask yourself - is he worth it for the long haul?

MyLastFiver

Sorry but can I add - you say "there's always something" but this isn't true. "There's always something" if you allow there to be. Personally if a new partner asked me to lend them money I would treat that as a BIG warning sign. The woman I ended up marrying, I married her because we could be completely open and trust each other completely. I wasn't prepared to settle for less, because I wasn't prepared for there to be "always something" cropping up.

Forgive my directness but do you seem to find yourself with blokes who take advantage of you and let you down? Because you have the power to make that stop.
Manipulative people seek out those with low self-esteem. So if you allow yourself to be like that, then they are the type of people you will meet.

There is nothing more attractive to the opposite sex than a little confidence and self-assuredness. It makes a potential partner want to be "at their best" for you, rather than take advantage of you.

Finding someone you can love and trust may mean that you experience periods of single-hood, but if you have inner confidence you won't mind that. You will say to yourself "the right person hasn't come along yet", rather than "there's something wrong with me because I don't have a boyfriend."

Wol2

MyLastFiver.....Mupeteer....

QED!

xxxxx

Mupeteer

Thank you so much to Wol2 and My Last Fiver.

Wol, I know I can count on your support and I thank you for always being there.

My Last Fiver, thank you for being so candid.

I'm trying to work out what I want to do but i guess it'll take some time.

My title "There's always something" probably does speak volumes but I was mainly talking about past relationships. Up until now I have been really happy with this guy and we've been having a good time. I now need to be strong and work out what is best for me.