Have you been in this position?

Murphster_2

I have been a fan of Martin’s site and reading these forums for the past two years picking up hint and tips but it has come to the point where I have to ask for advice.

I have a really great brother (24yo) who has some issues with money and I need some advice from people who may have been in his position (or people who have helped someone like him). I don’t think I need advice on sorting out the actual debt (it must be over £30k by now), I am sure we can find the right answer from reading other posts in this forum.

At the moment it is only my mum and his girlfriend ‘officially’ knows about his debt problem. For the past year or so he has said “he’ll sort it” and I have been reluctant to get involved because he has not asked for my help. But we are fairly certain that it is not being sorted – the up-opened letters are building up, we have found more charges for unpaid credit cards etc.

My problem is that I could confront him (in a nice way) and properly manage his debt free up his money etc. but I am concerned that the cycle would just repeat. For instance, I know he got a bonus recently and he was planning to spend it on something he didn’t need rather than paying debts. It is this which I really, really want to change and I am not sure that sorting his money problems by me telling/showing him he should is the answer – I want him to ask for help from us.

Were you ever in my brother’s position? What helped you? What would you have liked your family to do? What would you advise me to do?

Thanks so much for any advice you can give…



p.s. my brother has contacted one of the not for profit debt agencies over the past year but it appears he is not responding to them – hence the reason for this post.

Purple_Sparkles

Firstly I think it's great that you want to help your brother :A

I have been in serious debt in the past and my family knew but still borrowed money from me which spiralled me into more and more debt as I couldn't say no to them.

For me I would have been angry that they had been checking up on me but after I'd calmed down I would have appreciated that they wanted to help me and I would have let them.

You know your brother, maybe you could start a general conversation about the credit crisis and see what his slant is on it and take it from there. He obviously thinks about it as he's made contact with the debt consolidation company and he knows he's got a problem that won't go away. I think it's easy to not open the letters and hope it will go away but we all know that it won't.

I wouldn't tell him that you've read his letters but tell him that you worry about how he can afford to pay for all the stuff he buys. I presume he works but still lives at home. What have your parents said about it?

I hope it gets you started and I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.

I hope you manage to help your brother sort things out - why not suggest he has a look around the site, it could well be his lightbulb moment

halight

Hi,
I was the same age as your bro when my debt was at its highest. (not as much as your bros)
I only faced upto it when i had no money left after i had been paid due to bank charges i was that over drawn that i was being charged more than i had coming in!!!! payments just bounced off my accout all the time.
But i really did not have any money to pay anything at all. This for me was rock bottem!!!!!
But i faced upto it and took control (i had to) Its grate that you wont to help your bro but if he dose not think there is a problem then it will be really heard to help him. At the mo as you know he is hideing the problem from himself and others but it is hinding it froim himself thats the problem!!!!!
I think that some way you need to shock him into admitting it to himself! i dont know how but i know it will be hard.
sorry i can not really offer any more help.

All the best and good luck

GeorgeUK

If he has debts, what might shock him out of it is the amount of interest he is paying. If you have a look at the snowball calculator and put in any of your creditcard details (if you have debts), look at how much interest is being charged before you get debt free. There are ways to reduce this amount, but if he can see that he is handing thousands over to the banks when he could have that himself, it might be a start. Once he's started, hopefully it'll become a habit.
https://www.whatsthecost.com/snowball.aspx

He should also be trying to reclaim the bank and credit card charges. Maybe you could start a conversation - "hey, did you know..."

Murphster_2

Thanks for your responses.
You are right - I was hoping that the shock might have happened by now. He is just hiding the problem and know its not going away so why try and sort it.

Maybe the problem is too big for him to even start. I would love to claim the credit card charges back for him - I am sure there must be loads!
I am glad you understand - I am really stuck with it!

insider66

Murphster wrote: »

Thanks for your responses.
You are right - I was hoping that the shock might have happened by now. He is just hiding the problem and know its not going away so why try and sort it.

Maybe the problem is too big for him to even start. I would love to claim the credit card charges back for him - I am sure there must be loads!
I am glad you understand - I am really stuck with it!

It does sound as if he thinks it's too big to deal with.

At 24 he may be starting to think about moving out (not sure if he lives at home) so this could be a starter for a conversation ?

I'm not being direspectful here, but the debt charities will sometimes suggest monthly payments that are just too high. I realise they want you to get debt free as quick as possible, but to someone who is 24 and may like a bit of disposable income, the payments suggested could be another problem not a solution...

It would help if you could give an idea of his circumstances, maybe an SOA (albeit estimated!)

Wishing you (and your brother) luck

KME91

I was like that, unopened bills, unpaid debts, missed payments, head in the sand. i'm willing to bet a lot of people here will have been in a similar position. what did it for me was when i couldn't manage on my own any more, couldn't pay my rent. i moved home to my parents, sat down, opened every letter and then cried for a bit. then i made a plan.

i got to the point where i had no choice but to face it. and i felt humiliated by my own foolishness so didn't talk to anyone. he may well be embarrased that as an intelligent person he has gotten into this position. give him plenty of support, and i know it's hard to watch, but you almost have to wait til he works it out for himself. and don't bail him out, help him bail himself out.

Good luck

Murphster_2

He does live in the family home with his girlfriend but I don't think he is looking to move. This is because he has the house to himself my parents and I have all moved out. He is paying very reduced rent.

his spending has reduced but it is probably because he has no money (so it is not through choice) at the moment he is just surviving. insider66 - good point I had not thought about that - it might be a problem. I need him to ask us for help...