A Christmas Story...........

IN_LIKE_EVERYONE_ELSE!

Look, said the wise man, a star!

Lets follow it!

The wise man and his 2 friends followed the star, it led them to the maternity ward.

"We bring gifts, Gold, Poundsandpence and Apr's"

The baby looked and gurgled.

The sight of the 3 wise men at the maternity ward was unexpected, security were called.
"How did you get in?" asked the security guard...

"We pressed the buzzer and said we were sent by the Star"

"The newspaper?" said the guard...

"No, the star, look out of the window"

The childs parents were pleased to see the Wise men and the gifts, after all they were down to one income now, and the risk of unemployment was looming. The newborns Father worked at a petrol refinery in Hertfordshire......

"can we super balance transfer our Gifts?"

"It's not something we normally do, I will contact Wise men customer services and see what we can do for you, please hold on"

"Good news, We can do that for you, there is a small handling charge and I have to remind you that your Manger is at risk if you do not keep up the payments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it"

"we are grateful for all the help we can get at this time, we also need a new donkey as ours has just failed it's D.O.T."

"Have you tried "Yes Donkey Credit" ? they have some good deals and all you need is a pulse, we are part of the same firm"

"how do I find them?"

"They are on the web, https://www.yesdonkeycredit.cob "

"You are kind wise men, and your APR of only 75% is very reasonable!"

"We try our best, if you like I can get one of our representatives to pop round and show you our full range of threatening tactics on our interactive demo dvd, would Tuesday at 9am or Wednesday at 10am be suitable?

"Wednesday is better for me, I will be at the depot, but the wife should be back home by then with the baby, do you mind if I smoke?"

(to be continued, God knows how!!)

distilled

Beware of Herod's DCA! Should you fail to keep up the repayments they will send a man round to kill your newborn child. (of course costs will be added)

Willsnarf1983

Am i the only one that even thou i knew it wasn't a real web address was compelled to press it lol! :snow_laug :snow_laug :snow_laug


Will

fubar_2

Nope...was going to complain the link didn't work

funkymonkey

that is fantastic almost as good as the chav nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He
does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked.

She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper.
I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is
largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon
I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna
get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn
Bethlehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an'
that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter
into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their
heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from
the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
myrrh?

Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick
off
when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord
geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You
better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm
goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So
they
go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an'
that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into
Stella.

APPY CRIMBO

IN_LIKE_EVERYONE_ELSE!

The young couple were still wondering how they had managed to conceive in the first place, he was a Jaffa, an incident with a curling tong and a George Formby grill put paid to any chance of being a father, she didn,t care how it happened, she had everything they wanted.
The press were invited into the ward to photograph the miracle baby and interview the parents. Hiya Magazine had paid a pretty penny for exclusivity, a kind man named Mix Gifford, a PR guru, fixed everything. They were showered with attention for a full 5 minutes and then deserted.
It was time to leave the warmth of the maternity ward, well, 110 degrees plus, superbug paradise, it's no suprise those things multiply the way they do! The old man sloshing the mop around was turning the whole ward into a great big petri dish. You would think that they of all people would realise that heat and damp are ideal breeding grounds for bacteria, the middle management were looking into it.

Out of the hospital they trecked, past the rows of shiny new 4x4 Donkeys, one of them was a hybrid, they were excited about their new Donkey from Yesdonkeycredit.cob hopefully on the doorstep when they arrive home.

The young couple thought it would be nice to wet the baby's head, they aimed for Gonwins for a bottle of wine, the store was dark, a notice pinned to the window, "Gone bust" they walked on towards Sofas-R-Stuff to check the progress of the new sofas, what a deal! interest free over 50years, nothing to pay for 10 years, nought down and free delivery, I nearly forgot, he was to hand over one of his kidneys in the deal, whenever requested. They gazed longingly through the massive window, they saw a lovely big fir tree, surrounded by presents and cardboard cut-outs of gorgeous people having a great time, they wished it was them.

The town was deserted.

A man yelled from a darkened doorway "Big tissue!"

"Pardon?"

"Big tissue!, can cope with any man-flu mate" He held out a massive box of man-flu-sized-tissues.

"I havn't got man-flu"

"You have now, just left the hospital 'ave we?"

"Er, yes"

"Then you are done for"

"Thanks a lot" They moved swiftly onwards, past the rows of empty shops, the bakers, the butcher, the monger of fish, the monger of iron, the monger of mongs, the derelict dry cleaners, the bank pretending to be a coffee shop, they were drawn like moths to the bright light at the end of the High Street, you can see it for miles. A bus stopped beside them.

"Heading for Tescdas?" asked the bus driver.

"We are"

"Hop in, its free, no obligation, I will take you right there."

They left the darkness of the old High Street behind, it was a sad and dangerous place, where once thriving communities chatted and joked with each other now possessed by ruins and coffee bars and ruined coffee bars.

The bus stopped inside the store.

They were greeted by Ted the greeter, Ted was there at the same place, at the same times every week to give the customers a point of familiarity, Ted was the new shopkeeper, Tescdas knew we were creatures of habit, Tescdas knew where we were and at what time we were going to be there, they also knew what we would buy, how much of it we needed and by how much they could stick the price up.

"Good evening, I am Ted, how can I help?"

"We have just had a baby and we need stuff"

"No probs, this way" said Ted.......... TBC.

IN_LIKE_EVERYONE_ELSE!

To be continued!