Have spare money but being swept along to spending by partner

lulabelle

I have been in debt since university. It's mainly as a result of my always wanting to keep up with other people. I guess maybe I had and still do have low self esteem and therefore, buying expensive clothing and having expensive haircuts/possessions is my way of trying to show I'm good enough. At uni I had a full-time job during the summer holidays (earning 60 hours a week) often earning in excess of £1,000 per month. I also had a saturday job which netted me almost £40 a week. However, I still managed to come out of university having spent all of the money I had earnt and been given by my parents as well as my student loan. I also had a credit card and overdraft, both with high balances.

Things got worse when I then went on to do a 1 year post-grad course. I had my course fees paid for and an allowance of £2500 provided by my soon to be employer, as well as living at my parent's house, not paying any rent and my parents also giving me money. I took out a professional studies loan of £9000 and spent all but £2000 and continued to shop.

I then moved to London to start work as a professional. Although I was being paid a starting salary of £21,000 increasing to £25,000 after 1 year, I struggled with the high cost of living and also paying back my debts and managed to get myself into more debt. In my second year in London I extended my professional studies loan to consolidate my debts but carried on spending.

I then jumped up a very long way in salary and bought a house. This used up the remaining savings I had. Although I bought the house by myself, my partner at the time moved in and was paying half the mortgage and half the bills. I started paying off some of my debt and saving a small amount. We then split up but I was able to continue to pay the mortgage, it just meant I had less to pay back to my creditors. I had also slowed down the spending a lot by this stage.

However, I then lost my job and suddenly had no money coming in. What's worse is that I had when my partner was living with me, ordered a new kitchen for my flat. I had to pay for this and had to put it on my credit card (£10,000 - I had originally been quoted £4,500 but got ripped off by a dodgy builder). At this time I also had to pay my mortgage and my loan/credit card repayments as well as bills, council tax (£70pcm) and eat. I did have loan/mortgage protection policies but they didn't kick in for about 60 days. My parents offered to help but as they have never been in debt in their lives I didn't want to tell them how much debt I was in.

Fortunately I only went without work for 2 months before landing the job I have now which pays very well. However, as the kitchen was on a credit card I had to extend my loan further as it made more sense than paying the higher rate of credit card interest.

I think I'm now in about £40,000 of debt excluding my mortgage. I now have around £1,200 a month spare after expenses and spending money but am now living with my partner who earns a six figure salary and so am being swept along in eating out, holidays, staying in plush hotels etc etc and I don't know how to stop. I try to stick to a budget each week in terms of spending and then divide my spare money between paying off my debts and credit cards but I feel like I need to pay my way in the relationship so continue to do things I can't afford. I am sure this also has to do with my low self-esteem for which I am about to undergo counselling. I read some of the posts on here and I am in nowhere near as bad a situation as some as you and so I hope my post doesn't come across as stupid and flippant but I do lie awake at night worrying what will happen if I lose my jpb again as I am getting myself into more and more debt.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

wigginsmum

Hi there - welcome to the site. Have you been honest with your partner about your financial situation? Does he/she know about your debt? If so, I think you have to be determined about where your priorities lie; peer pressure comes in many forms. Be honest with them about how important paying off your debt is to you; you may find they're prepared to treat you and support you while you're paying all this off.

Jules

lulabelle

Thanks Jules

He kind of knows (I have mentioned it a fair bit) but I haven't actually sat down and told him the full extent of it. I know he would be supportive and seek to help me out by paying for meals out if he wants to go and I feel I can't afford it etc but I think I have again fallen into the trap of trying to keep up - he is older and so are the people we hang out with, where we live there is not much to do other than eat out etc.

I re-read my post and I sound really pathetic as it's clear I'm not on the breadline but I just want to know if anyone else has been in this situation and if they have any tips of how to deal with it.

Am terrified of losing my job or splitting up with him (in which case I'll probably stay here another year to save up) and then having to cope with the further debt I've accrued when I could have been paying it off.

Bossyboots

It does not sound pathetic, but it does sound desparate (in the unhappy sense) and I can see where you are coming from. I know someone else in the low self-esteem = spending trap (in fact at first I thought you and she were the same person).

I think the only way you are going to resolve this is to sit down with your partner and tell him what you have put here. Perhaps if you printed it off and gave it to him, it would be easier to start the conversation. Until you do that you will be locked in this cycle and your peace of mind will eventually be shattered. I hope your partner will be understanding of the situation and your desire to become debt free. It is clear from your post that you do not expect him to pay off your debts and I hope that he can see that too. If you don't put him in the picture, things will just go on as they are until something has to give.

skintchick

I agree.

I'm sure your partner will be supportive.

Perhaps you could go onto https://www.whatsthecost.com/snowball.aspx and enter your debts in, then see how quickly that extra £1,200 a month could decimate your debt.

That way, you can tell your partner that it will onyl be pulling in your belt for x months/years.

You need to write out a proper budget, allowing for going out, then present it to him and say that that is all you can afford.

Good luck!

in*the*red_6

Hi lulabelle
You must be highly competent and very employable to land a well-paid job after just a couple of months of being out of work. There isn't job security in a lot of places anymore but, although you say you have self-esteem issues you are dealing with, please don't lose sight of the fact that you must have a lot going for you to be in a successful job and relationship. Excessive worrying will only put pressure on one or both of these.
If your'e living with your partner he needs to be your 'partner' in all senses and that includes financial. Between you you should be able to sort out the debts and live comfortably.

Gonna_Do_It

You mentioned you had/have a low self esteem and therefore spent lots of money of yourself to make yourself feel better, but also a lot of money was spent on your Uni/Course which has obviously got you into a very good job, which is great and you are doing very well and to have got another job so quickly is great, hopefully this has been a boost to your self esteem!

I personally find having a partner adds to your outgoings (hence why I am single at the moment to save money!!!!) as naturally you go out more and do different things than to what you would do if your were single and you don't have to match what your partner does/has, but having a partner on 6 figure salary must make it even harder for you.

Like others, I suggest going through your situation with him in detail, he may not realise or may not have to worry about money himself and therefore not understand your situation. Also going out with his mates who all earn loads and can afford stuff may have a negative effect on your self esteem, perhaps you could suggest to him you try out different things, do a hobbie together and not go out so much eating and drinking.

Also you mentioned your parents did not know the full extent of your debt as they have not been in debt, it may be worth while telling them all, as parents can be great and very supportive and understanding. They may be able to help you with your partner etc. just a thought...

Has your new partner moved into your place? Is he paying mortgage?

Use this site to work out the best way to pay off those debts asap and tell your partner, you will feel relieved going through it with him and your self esteem will be better when you start sorting out your debts as you will feel great about yourself!!!!

Good luck, keep us posted

xxx

lulabelle

Thanks for the advice. I think I am going to sit down with him this weekend and discuss it fully. He wants to go away for new year but we are going away the weekend after for a christening which is costing a fortune so I have put my foot down and said I can't afford it - if he wants to pay then fine but really, he ought to think about staying where we are.

I'm also going to start making small cuts like bringing sandwiches to work - we normally buy a sandwich but he has a sandwich and something else (like sausage roll or pasta) so it comes to about £8 - we take it in turns to buy but its extremely expensive.

I'll let you know how I get on!

x

[Deleted User]

I agree with all the advice already given.

Your debt needs to be your priority not your relationship with someone who seems to have lots of money. By explaining your FULL circumstances to your new partner, he will either stick around knowing all there is to know - or he won't - in which case he is not worth bothering about.

Make a decision to deal with your debt and stick to it. By sticking to a resolute determination to resolve your debt, you are taking charge of your circumstances- and when you see the debt reducing you will know you did the right thing and you WILL also feel better about yourself.

Remember, partners come and go - debt remains faithful.

Alfietinker

Hi, well done for plucking up the courage to talk to your partner. :T

I hope my experience may help a little?

Although I don't earn that much and my debts are not as much, proportionally I owe about a fifth of my wages. (To me that's a lot!)

I left home at 17, rented a place and borrowed the deposit from my boss (my first debt). I hadn't worked my expenses out properly and had to go cap in hand to my parents for a couple of months rent. When I turned 18 I thought I'd better get a credit card "for emergencies". These 'emergencies' included train tickets, driving lessons, petrol. Then phone bills. Then electric. Then I thought I had to pay parents back and drew out cash to pay them back (to avoid the shame of saying I couldn't afford it). Before I knew it I had reached the limit on the card (£1500 I think).

So I took out a second card. And so forth. I started seeing my (now) husband who lived with his parents, didn't own a car, had no real outgoings and earnt considerably more than me. I felt I had to pay my way in everything, too embarrassed to say I couldn't afford it in case he thought I was after his money. I didn't tell him I had credit cards. So I thought I had to keep up, buying meals, drinks, holidays etc.

I'd transfer a balance to a cheap rate, kind of 'forget' about it and carry on spending on the old card. Soon I had 4 cards. I'd intend to use all my money to make a payment that month, need to buy something, then have to put it on the card or go overdrawn, so the next month I had less cash to reduce debts with or the debt had grown. And so the cycle continued. All the time I didn't tell hubby and continued to pay my half of everything.

We've been married 4 years now (I'm 24) and we want to start a family. 3 months ago I had my lightbulb moment. I realised my debts were over £4000 even though I thought they were about £2k. I realised I couldn't get out of this without us BOTH making an effort. Not in the 'hubby pays off debts' sense, but we BOTH had to re-evaluate the way we live our lives.

How could we start a family with that kind of debt? And how could we budget for a family unless he knew about the debt? We couldn't. So I told him. I showed him every bit of paperwork I had. Yes he was shocked, but more because I'd never come clean, not because of the amount. (He earns much more than me and could afford this if it was him). He was upset that I'd felt I couldn't come clean with him and say "I can't afford it".

We both agreed to make changes to our lives. Anything we wanted to do (currently decorating) he will pay for, but we'll modify our plans so they're not so expensive. We'll BOTH take lunch to work - if we both have to make sandwiches there's no excuse for one of us to skive. We'll get used to eating 'cheaper' food (not take-aways etc). We'll go to the local cinema, not the multiplex. And only for films we really want to see.

He knows how much 'spending money' I have and makes sure I stick to it. He checks each month how much I've paid off. This keeps me on track as I know I can't hide anything.

What I'm trying to say is I know from experience that you need as much support as you can. If your partner doesn't realise your debts, how can he help? He needs to understand so he can support you. (A bit like being on a diet. If you don't tell people they'll keep offering you chocolate and you end up giving in. Make it known and they'll be considerate )

I don't mean to waffle on, I just wanted to show how (in my view) these things work. How a chain reaction can happen and you need to stop it.

Good luck!

lulabelle

Thanks guys.

It's so refreshing to have a forum where you can post openly and not get criticised for it.

I am definitely going to sit down and chat to him about it. He knows I am in debt but not the full extent and was quite sweet. I moved into his house and he said that if I wanted to then I didn't have to pay him any rent for as long as I wanted and use the money to clear my debts instead. Of course, I wouldn't accept that as I don't feel it's fair to live in his house without paying but perhaps I could suggest say halving my rent and then doing things around the house which he hates doing, such as gardening, cleaning and decorating, to pay my way.