Shopping addiction!!

marklunn3602

Hello all

I've used this website many times before to find good money saving deals but now I'm looking for advice after finding out this week that my wife is £22k in dept with loans & credit cards built up in just 2 yrs!. This isn't the first time & I've bailed her out in the past but was assured that it wouldn't happen again.
I have a good career & earn well as does my wife but due to her past debts we're mortgaged up to the hilt.
I had an incling that something was amiss for a few months but it all came out this week when I caught her trying to hide post from me.
As others here will have experienced my wife lied & lied to me about the amount and I found the total out by getting her full credit report and the only way forward now is an IVA.
In the past she would only say the debts amounted to "just buying stuff" which I thought was an excuse for a dark secret and foolishly buried my head in the sand.
However she used the same excuse this week and so I've finally pulled my head out of the sand and gone through her bank accounts and was astounded by what I found.
She has been spending about £2000 per month on basically !!!!!! all! She's going to the shops 2,3,4 times per day and spending anything from £6 to £200 per day and this has been going on for about 8 yrs now.
The last time it happened was about 2 yrs ago which is when we remortgaged and since then I honestly thought it was all behind us and that we were well off and doung really well.
My wife is addicted to shopping and now admits that every time she shops it makes her feel good even if its just a magazine.
I've now taken full control of all of the finances and booked a dept counsilor for this Sunday to discuss our options.
HELP!!! Has anyone else any experience of this. Its all well and good me trying to stop her spending but the underlying problem's still there and I need to get her some kind of help to resolve it.

Kind regards

Mark

lovebugfamilly

Sorry to hear this , I always think there is a reason behind someone who is addicted to shopping's spending and until the root of it is got to she will do it again as you have found out. I shopped when i was going through depression after losing 2 babys and managed to rack up £9000 in around 18 months , something Im very ashamed of . Luckily I no longer feel the need to shop to boost my mood. I hope the appointment with the debt counsellor goes well and you can get something sorted . Eta I had counselling eventually and that really helped

shadowdragon

Hi

I dont have any experience of this, but will I admire you for standing by her and trying to resolve this in a sensible manner. I hope the councilling goes well and its something you can deal with. Have you rang CCCS or other debt charities to discuss the financial situation? It might be worth doing.

good luck and keep us informed.

tigerfeet2006

(((hugs))) to you and your other half. I to think you are fantastic for sticking by her. Well done you.

Who is the appointment with? Is it with a debt charity or a fee paying outfit? If the latter cancel it NOW!! An IVA is only suitable for about 3% of the population. Put IVA into the search engine of the site and read Martin's excellent article. Phone National Debtline or CCCS and if an IVA is suitable for you they will make sure you are sorted with the right people. CCCS run their own.

Get a Dr's appointment for your wife and go with her. Get the Dr to organise some counselling asap. This is a serious addiction and needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

All the best to you both.

sententia_2

Hi,
It is indeed a recognised condition. She will have very strong compulsions to spend. It is a mental health issue and like any health issue the first port of call is a doctor who will make a referral. The compulsions need to be bought under control if there's going to be any long term resolution. Nowadays they usually use a process called cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help. As to the debt well you are where you are with that and owe the money. Unless a person lacked the capacity to enter into a contract (ie they've been detained/sectioned at some point) then you're responsible for the debt. At the same time your creditors are obliged by the banking code of conduct to treat your particularly circumstances sympathetically. If you explain the problem and can get a doctor to make a statement to the effect you are much more likely to see them giving you more time and being more flexible about the debt.

I speak from experience. I have mental health condition which also meant I spent compulsively. At the end of the day I'm going to have to go bankrupt, but I must say that the creditors have not pestered me really at all once aware that there are mental health issues involved.

Others might have extra views, but at the end of the day the long term health of your partner is your first concern.

shadowdragon

sententia wrote: »

Nowadays they usually use a process called cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help.

didnt work with me though!!! To the point where the person doing it was getting frustrated and geting lairy with me. Pity it seems that its there only weapon in there arsenal atm. (well in the Trust that looks after me anyway).

And if they tell me one more time they are "Challenging me" there gonna feel the full brunt of my "Narsasstic personallity Disorder" !!!!!!!!!

churchrat

shadowdragon wrote: »

didnt work with me though!!! To the point where the person doing it was getting frustrated and geting lairy with me. Pity it seems that its there only weapon in there arsenal atm. (well in the Trust that looks after me anyway).

And if they tell me one more time they are "Challenging me" there gonna feel the full brunt of my "Narsasstic personallity Disorder" !!!!!!!!!

I think the shadow of cbt is going to be with us for yrs, a bit like this recession. trouble is, the powers that spend the money thought that cbt offered a magic cure for everyone and what was even better was that it could be delivered to groups--even cheaper!!
cbt does work for some people some of the time, but shadowdragon is right, its all that seems to be around at the moment. not even the people who deliver cbt programmes think they work as the govt think they do, hence a high staff turn over (including me!)
sorry-really off topic there, rant over:rolleyes:
church rat

shadowdragon

churchrat wrote: »

I think the shadow of cbt is going to be with us for yrs, a bit like this recession. trouble is, the powers that spend the money thought that cbt offered a magic cure for everyone and what was even better was that it could be delivered to groups--even cheaper!!
cbt does work for some people some of the time, but shadowdragon is right, its all that seems to be around at the moment. not even the people who deliver cbt programmes think they work as the govt think they do, hence a high staff turn over (including me!)
sorry-really off topic there, rant over:rolleyes:
church rat

Its also regional as to the level of care you get too, in my area all it is is CBT and anger managment courses, they wont even let me try other medications (which people have used to help them with simular/same problems as me have used with sucess) because my psychatrist "Doesnt belive in Medication" Im stuffed from the start tbh.

I too apologise for the off topicness. But quite relevant if your wife has mental health problems.

dane-katie

Hi, i would get to the doctors with your wife, she may well be fine but from experience i used to spend money more when i was depressed on anything, it made me feel better for that little moment, but i suffer with depression and have done for a couple of years now and resulting in me going bankrupt, also i do know of someone who suffers with Bi-Polar and that caused her to spend massive amounts of money which gave her a huge high, she also hid this from her partner but there is ways of working through this, if both of you are strong enough and your wife gets the help she needs, it maybe a habbit that might be hard to break or something further......
Please seek advice from the debt charities they are fantastic and see if a DMP, IVA or bankruptcy is best for your situation.

Good luck!

scaredy_cat

shadowdragon wrote: »

didnt work with me though!!! To the point where the person doing it was getting frustrated and geting lairy with me. Pity it seems that its there only weapon in there arsenal atm. (well in the Trust that looks after me anyway).

And if they tell me one more time they are "Challenging me" there gonna feel the full brunt of my "Narsasstic personallity Disorder" !!!!!!!!!

i am currently training to be a counsellor and CBT i think has been seen (by the NHS) as a short cost effective way of treating people - as they only usually have sessions for a few months.

CBT isn't for everyone and you have to find the right counsellor for you.

Dorothy56

Hi Mark

My heart goes out to you both. Other people's advice about seeing your GP is a good place to start.

Most people who have some form of compulsive spending problem have a deep rooted problem, that they might not even be aware of. I also think that most people recoil in horror at the thought they, or someone they love, may have any kind of Mental Health problem - but in reality something like 25% of all people will have some type of mental health problem in their lives and the vast majority do recover.

I lost several members of my family within a six month period, about six years ago and went on to compulsively spend (though wasn't aware of it at the time) fortunately (or not) we have a very high family income, so it was affordable - kind of. Also I found lots of excuses to 'need' things, for our home, our garden, our family etc etc. Meanwhile I presented to the outside world as a very successful, accomplished and responsible woman.

The **** didn't really hit the fan until I was introduced to internet gambling when I was very ill. That compounded the problem BIG time. Eventually hiding bank statements etc from my husband.

My only option now is is bankruptcy.

The one thing I must say is all I have done in no way is a reflection of the depth of love I feel for my husband or family, I would lay down my life for them.

I have been having specific counselling concerning the gambling for quite a while now and at last can see why I did it and why I did the compulsive spending.

Due to my particular circumstances I have to still keep it hidden for the time being - not from my husband, but from everyone else which makes the shame even more heavy to bear. Though I do plan to go public with the problem at some stage to help people understand how insidious and destructive these compulsions can be.

My husband's assurance of wholly accepting and loving me has been the greatest help of all.

I have been clean of the compulsions for only a matter of a few short months, and cannot believe how different I already feel, though it still is and always will be one day at a time.

with my very best wishes that your wife is able to get the help she so desperately needs and that you are able to remain her constant.