Food crisis - help with meal planning on limited stocks?

foreversomeday

Sorry everyone, I forgot about this post as I managed to sort some food out for that night, I hope you weren't all worrying about me.

My OH is not abusive, just not particularly supportive. He still seems to see us as a simple girlfriend/boyfriend relationship and doesn't really understand when I try to explain that the arrival of a baby means we are more of a family now. He expects me to pay my "share" of the bills despite the fact I can't work easily at the moment and although he has said he will support us after the baby is born we ended up having an argument the other night because he said "Yes, I will support you but I can't pay every single bill!" - which has stressed me out because that's what I took to mean by supporting me and I haven't managed to bring it up since. I think we are both stressing about money a bit as we should be entitled to benefits to top up his income but we don't fit into the right "box" so it's a nightmare to claim and I don't want to risk having to pay the money back because I know what he's like - he's very impulsive and doesn't understand budgeting. Our bills account is £1600 overdrawn and I have no idea where it has gone because although we have had problems with the lodger not paying bills on time the discrepancy can not have been that bad. I am taking over the bills in September and opening a current account in my name to manage them so will make sure the bills get paid pretty much as soon as the money comes into his account. Bizarrely we will be better off when the baby is born because I will be getting Maternity Allowance (rather than zero pay as I have at the moment, on average.) which I am trying to claim before the baby is born to bridge this gap as you are supposed to be able to claim from 29 weeks and I am 32 weeks now. We will also be getting child tax credit and OH has agreed to do all the shopping online together after the lodger moves out (OH has also been buying food he doesn't like, for me!)

The problem with the lodger is that it started off as a casual house sharing arrangement - he was originally a friend of mine - and it's just not worked out particularly well, he moved here from another area and he's been here almost a year now and hasn't made any friends here and his job isn't very reliable. He's also not great to live with for many reasons but now we have managed to have a chat with him I know he is moving out soon so it's not so much of an issue, I just feel stupid for not drawing up a contract in the first place as we don't really know where we stand, everything is too flexible. OH doesn't want to talk to him because he has anger problems and thinks he might say something he regrets, which I can see the point of but it does drive me mad that he won't even be in the room with me while I talk to him because when I try to I can't say what I want to say and I get all panicky like I am going to cry. I know it is stupid, I considered writing a letter for a while and then eventually my mum sat with me while I spoke to him so I felt I had some moral support. (It had been going on too long by this point). I haven't got the energy to argue my point any more so I'm just counting down to that day (and he has had plenty of warning so if necessary I'm going to leave the house and get OH and some mates to literally throw him out because I have had enough.)

I'm going to have to deal with the lodger first and then try to talk to my OH because at the moment he can't see past what he thinks is this big unfair situation - that he's supporting two people who ought to be able to support themselves - and every time I try to talk about me and negate the lodger he brings him back into the discussion and I can't get round him so I give up! He thinks I ought to be able to support myself as other pregnant women work until 36 weeks or so (I got made redundant in March hence the fact I haven't found other permanent work) and to be fair I have been working for AQA but the pregnancy fog has kicked in now and I can't concentrate enough to earn enough. I made a big effort to get more motivated with keeping the house clean and tidy and cook though, because I agree that it's not fair for him to support me if I am literally sitting around all day doing nothing - but I think he still feels it's unfair on him and I'm hoping once the lodger leaves the perception of the burden on him will shift, otherwise I will have to tell him some home truths about how tiring it is being pregnant, etc. If he carries on being ridiculous after the baby is born I'm going to have to seek some outside help as I love him to pieces but he's so stubborn and immature sometimes it's just infuriating.

Anyway that was a really long post but just wanted to make the situation a bit clearer. I'm not offended by the comments by the way, thanks for looking out for me. I think sometimes I do need that bit of extra pushing because he seems to think his way is right all the time and even when I know it's not it can be difficult to get my point across without him taking it out of all proportion, so an outside view helps

donny-gal

Well I'm risking being shot down as well KuneKune.

This situation is not acceptable. The anger thing worries me a lot too. As one of the older ones on here, let me say something to you as a Mum. If you were my daughter I would just want you to come home. Do you have that option?

If you were made redundant then you should be able to qualify for Job Seekers Allowance, or if you are unfit for work then Sick Pay, did you not sign on?

Sorry but this is not a healthy relationship, you need to look after yourself at the moment, eat proper foods/meals and avoid stress, not of which seem to apply. The same applies after the baby is born too, and there will be expenses for the baby - to quote a old one - they don' come cheap. You seem to think you will be OK when you get your maternity allowance, but itis there to cover things for you and the baby not to pay debts off.

Being perfectly honest, if he wants all his own way now, and doesn't think he should support you, with a baby on the way and a newish relationship, he is not going to consider or support you in the future. What about the anger situation if he if very frustrated being hard up You cannot change them love.

As for the lodger - kick him out now would be my method. Alternatively give him an ultimatium. £30 for food each Friday or he is not allowed in the Kitchen, and £100 before that starts to pay you back for sponging off you for far too long. He is a user not a friend or mate, and I can understand BF being angry over that, but not him doing nothing.

Please think hard you are being walked on by both.

DG

foreversomeday

Hi DG

I signed on for job seekers when I first got made redundant but because I hadn't worked full time for a total of 2 years I wasn't entitled to any money because I hadn't paid enough NI contributions. I was supposed to go every 2 weeks to sign on anyway as they would pay NI contributions for me but I got fed up and started temping about a week later. This was fine for a couple of months but the work dried up and now I am a bit more pregnant I don't fancy the travelling, and AQA were hiring at the time so I applied and got accepted.

It is an option for me to go back and live with my mum but to be honest I don't want to. Sorry if that sounds ungrateful etc... I just don't see my situation as that bad. My mum is fantastic and I know she would be there if I did need to leave at 3am so I don't feel trapped and to be honest I know OH only gets the anger problems when he drinks, which is under his control - and I have made it quite clear that if he ever tries to pull anything funny I will be leaving and taking the baby because I will not live in a house I don't feel safe in. He is trying to cut down on the drink as the due date approaches, which I appreciate him doing. I know I can't change him but the fact he's trying to grow up himself says a lot (to me anyway) - I don't see that he needs changing to be honest.

We had a big chat today about money and he seems to be worried that I don't understand how much our bills are because as he has worked it out, we can't afford everything on his wage alone - the thing he didn't realise is that I knew that and that was why I wanted control of the bills account as he is not very moneysaving or good at keeping control of the cashflow so that is part of the problem, and after the baby is born we will be getting child tax credit and I will be getting Maternity Allowance (at least for the first 7-8 months) so overall from my calculations we should be able to manage. We should be getting working tax credit now but because I earned too much in the last tax year we are not eligible.

Now we have had the chat and the end is in sight with the lodger - he only has to pay bills now before he leaves as the last rent payment has gone, and since he has money at the moment he has been buying food (for himself at least) OH is a lot less stressed and more open to discussion re money etc. We have agreed a day of the week to do our shopping online and will be asking the lodger to contribute or specifically not to eat it. The one thing which does drive me mad is OH banks with Lloyds and they keep ringing him up trying to "save him money" which of course means the opposite!

Liquorice_Twirls

I do feel for you in this situation. And you are the only one that really knows your relationship, but control of money can be a sign of abuse within a relationship. You sound very isolated, and a partner who has a drink problem can make for a volatile and unpredictable relationship.

Could you get some emotional support from your midwife or perhaps a Sure Start project in your area? Is there an antenatal mums group that you could walk to nearby? Getting out and about, I know is hard at 7 months pregnant but it could make you feel less isolated.

Hope things are getting easier.