Need help!

8pnoodles

I like the idea of him having a large budget and slowly reducing it. It's trying to get him to keep track of spending full stop that's the first hurdle. He is loathe to do a spending diary at the moment, and I'm not sure if he'll want to keep his reciepts either. I've been trying to get him to do tis for his petrol so he knows how much he spends a month, but he hasn't so far. Plus as we're not actually living together yet I don't want to jump him him and say you should be doing this, and this with your money. Because he'll just get defensive.

It's hard work!

And equally I don't want to push it so much that he gives up completely.

I think the only thing I can do really is talk to him and see what he's happy to do rather than guessing about what he's happy to do.

earthboundboy

It is hard, and unfortunately for me I'm in a position now where I *have* to have tight budgets and stick to them. If I'd been a bit more sensible then I wouldn't be in such a mess now.

You sound like you're doing well - it is hard enough to get your own house in order without trying to help someone else who is reluctant to change their ways.

skintchick

Have you sought any professional help for your eating disorder? It must be frustrating for you, I'm sure there are people out there who could help you. I can see how diffiuclt it must make things.

Tondella

Hi 8pnoodles
my OH and i live apart and then eat together at the weekends, our example might not be directly applicable to you as OH gets his weekly meals through the mess but essentially we have worked out our budget so that I take care of all food and house related costs and he takes care of all car costs. This works really well for us as I am definitely the most careful with spending of the two of us and so what I say goes now with the shopping! I can see how it would be more complicated if your OH also has to get his weekly shopping in when you do your weekend shop.

I think what is really at the heart of this post is trying to marry up differences in the approach to spending between a couple. Alot of people have posted with similar problems and OH and I have had to deal with this too. All i can say is that you know what makes your OH tick and so only you will be able to come up with the right approach for this. I did find myself starting to go on about money all the time when i first started money saving and worried that i was starting to nag; now when there is something we need to discuss i tell OH that I'd like to have a money chat at some point over the weekend and ask him to pick a time when he would like to have it. That way the conversation doesn't go on over the whole weekend. I have also found that now he has started to see me money saving in action he has been really inspired to take on some of it by himself. But that's just our approach

8pnoodles

Tondella - I am ashamed to admit my bloke also has is food included in his mess fees.

But he doesn't really like the food down there, says it's swimming in fat, and he hates having to go queue and eat at certain times. So as you can imagine he's effectively buying food twice! He buys stuff for the week (admittedly not much) when he's out with me cos he's normally too busy at work to find time to shop, e doesn't find time to visit me that often!

I AM working on him about this too. He's started eating some fod in the mess now. he rings me up excitedly and announces when he's eaten in the mess.

Basically, from when we first met he's told me girlfriends have always had a go at him about money. And the arguments have ended up in them splitting up half the time. So I've gone very softly softly on this one (plus I hate being told what to do as much as him, so appreciate how he feels) and he thinsk I'm wonderful.

He even says to me that I'm teaching him loads but no one has ever taken the time to tell him how things could be different for him. They've only nagged him.

Strangely enough we do talk about money all the time, so I'm hoping it won't be a hard subject to broach. I think the main advice I will take away from this thread is a) keep our weekend food spending separate from the week stuff, and b) try and get our weekend spending cheaper.

Tondella

I can totally sympathise with the mess food situation. My OH is an officer and so the standard of food is pretty good, but even so he's a dead keen fitness fanatic and really resents the occasions where there are only unhealthy options. Plus the timing of the evening meals clashed with his regular gym sessions and he is required to change into jacket and tie. He too didn't eat in the mess when we started our budgeting, instead choosing to eat at his gym at around £4 per night. However, when we sat down and went through Martin's budget spreadsheet for his finances and he saw how much those £4 were adding up to he agreed to give mess eating a go and now eats there regularly and has even made some new pals through going to dinner regularly. He too would ring me up to tell me he had eaten in the mess that night! bless!

I have to say that I have found cutting back on food spending the most difficult part of the budget as it really did feel like deprivation. However over the course of this month I have started to do a little menu planning, shop with a list, and really make an effort to come up with meals from the food i already have in the fridge and this week I have managed to spend only £30 of my £50 budget, without even noticing the difference. I know this is a lot relative to other people around here but I won't be resting on my laurels and will try to keep cutting down.

Even if your OH ate in mess two out of four week nights that would instantly halve his food budget, no? Plus remind him to sign out of the mess on the weekends or whenever he is away, as they adjust your mess fees accordingly. If he is really unhappy with the menu then he could always consider becoming a member of the mess committee and try and do a Jamie Oliver style revolution with the chefs!!!!

I appreciate that your OH doesn't like to be got at with his spending, but just you make sure that he isn't using these tales of ex-girlfriends to fend you off making him confront his own spending. If you look around these threads you'll see a number of tales of money savers who's OHs are working as hard to undo their good money saving work. Shared values, particularly about money, are really important in a relationship so make sure your needs (re: money) are met too.

Good luck!

8pnoodles

I do believe him about his exes, he absolutely HATES conflict of any kind. It's taken me a good while to get him used to the idea of talking things through that we disagree about without him walking out. He's never done this before. The last girlfriend gave him grief about buying a very expensive car on HP. They had a huge row about it. We have talked long and hard about it, over a few months and he actually got the the point of showing me his HP agreement and seeing if it WAS worth him opting out and getting a cheaper car (any way we look at it really, unfortunately, it seems he's better off keeping the car). He now says he loves the car but wishes he hadn't got it te way he did. He's also got his motorbike up for sale and previously swore he'd never do this. He has also got the ebay bug.

I am so proud of him on so many fronts, he now has a go at me if I talk about buying something I shouldn't!

I didn't know he could sign out of the mess at weekends, so I have no clue if he does this or not, I'll ask! He's started refusing to pay his troop fees because he says he gets nothing out fo them. He has a mate who's just signed off the army who saved money like a demon and never paid either.

We were contemplating trying to reclaim the tax back from him washing his own uniform? Have you tried this?

Tondella

Concerned now that we might be dating the same man (lol) My OH is also currently trying to sell his motorbike despite being a biker through and through. We are having an absolute nightmare trying to shift it though, it's been for sale since September, and we've reduced the price twice.

I'm glad that you have been able to discuss the money thing in a way that doesn't make him feel threatened.

Haven't tried the tax thing, as OH lives in mess he has access to laundry there. I dread to think when the last time he had his official uniforms dry cleaned

frugglewump

8pnoodles wrote:

I will eat lettuce, cucumber, and carrots. And potato. I'll eat some fruit. And that's about it.

Ok I have some recipes that are basically just carrot and/or potato that i'll put on the end of the recipe thread in the old style forum. How do you feel about mushrooms?

8pnoodles

FW my bloke tried to get me to eat mushrooms with this special coating on them. I did try but... nope. He's going to try with a different coating though. Will keep ya posted.

Oh and I'll eat beansprouts in moderation I've discovered, I kinda like them! And those chinese waterchestnut crunchy things are yum.

Tondella, does he still pay for his uniform to be cleaned? if he does he should be allowed to claim the tax back, could be around £45 cos you can claim back over the last 5 years or something.

My bloke uses the laundrette in town. He used the one on camp but they seem to let things go missing, his clothes come back with horrible marks on them, it's odd! And it's expensive.

Cannot wait until we move in, then he can use my washing machine! At the moment I don't like to let him use it much as I have two housemates who need it too. If they aren't around all weekend I let him use it though.

This is NOT the season for bike selling thoug, if you can then hold onto it until the spring. No one buys bikes at this time of year unfortunately. We're only trying to get rid ebcause he's about to get posted and doesn't really want to take it with him, and wants to pay off his credit card with the money too. Oh well...