Stressed!

linnyjj

Hi, I have been browsing the wedding forum for ages but have never posted before but i have had enough today and have noone to talk to about it.

Anyway we are getting married 12/09/09 at our local registry office, we have been engaged over 6 years and have been putting off getting married because we couldnt afford it, in january this year my mum and stepdad offered to pay for some of the wedding so we took them up on the offer( big mistake) My mum now seems to think she has say in everything that i arrange, they have agreed to pay for the reception(£250), half of the buffet costs£200), flowers and bridesmaids dresses and shoes.(250)

We are paying for everything else but she wants a say in everything, i booked a limousine to take me and my bridesmaids to the registry office but she thinks i should let my stepdad come aswell even though he isnt given me away, i wasnt even going to ask him but she has nopw told him i was, also i was going to have my stepdads brother in law as the photographer but he has since had a heart attack so i have book someone else and have now decided not to ask my stepdads family to the wedding as we are not close anyway(they were only coming because he was the photographer) i have informed her of this decision today and she told me it wasnt up to me if they could come but it was my stepdads decision and i should ask him first so i said i wouldnt ask him i would tell him they were only invited to the evening reception. :mad:

I am so mad at her for trying to take over everything and i really wish we hadnt agreed for them to contribute because i have got over a year of this hell.

She also keeps telling me what sort of flowers, bridesmaid dresses to have and how much im allowed to spend.

I was really looking forward to planning this wedding but it feels like i owe her something because she is helping us when we didnt ask them too.

Sorry for the long post im just really fed up with it all today.

Thanks, Lyn.

ClareEmily

I got married a year ago, and the majority of my family interfered, and wanted me to do this that and the other, I got soo stressed, upset and actually quite ill with worry. I won't go into detail as I will be here all day.

But looking back I can seriously say I had the best day, and can actually laugh at the behaviour of my mother and step mother.

Step back, take a deep breath, have a good moan to your hubby to be.

I would go out for a meal with your mum, step dad and hubby to be and have a heart to heart and be honest about how upset they are making you feel in the run up to what is meant to be the happiest day of your life.

Go to the confetti website, they have a great forum with some lovely girls on there with all too similar problems and concerns, and you can vent all you like on there and get some practical advise and support.

My mum could have ruined my day completely and had a face like a smacked a*** for the entire day. But she is my mum and even though she drives me round the bend I love her faults and all, your mum is being a typical bossy mother and her opinion is the only opinion, she needs someone to remind her who's wedding it is.

Very best of luck and I bet you have a fantastic day. xxx

Little_Belle

:grouphug: first of all have a hug

I have a very overbearing Sister so I know where you are coming from!

If they are paying for stuff then in a way it is only fair they have some input, but they should make suggestions only in my opinion. It is your wedding after all.

Perhaps sit down with her and tell her you feel she is trying to take over and you value her input but would like to be able to do it together but you dont feel you are atm. She may appreciate your honesty? Explain to her the reason you were inviting them in the first place and the reason you dont want to now. Perhaps try to put ideas in her head and then make it seem like it was her choice all along, find styles and colours etc you really like and make a collage and go through that with your mum if they are all styles you really like and tell her to pick one then she has chosen it and feels like she has but really it wouldnt have mattered which she had chosen.

Do you get what I mean? lol... its what I did with my sister and it worked for me

If she isn't having any of it is there anyway you could afford to do it without her input as there is quite a way till your wedding - giving you a chance to really tighten the belt a bit. Then say to your mum because she isn't letting you have 'your wedding' you dont feel you could take her money... ??

My 2pence worth.. Hope it helps a little?

xxx

floss2

Maybe you could save some money elsewhere within the budget, so you can pay her back for the things she is paying for? Then you can quite truthfully say "we are paying so we will make the decision. thank you for your suggestions, but we will talk it over & make our own minds up what we want".

I think LittleBelle's idea of a collage of all your fave styles / colours is a good idea, it would make her think she has got to choose, and if you only put different angles of 2 or 3 dresses, colours or flowers on, maybe she won't notice the one you like best being the one that has slightly more & bigger photos / brighter & clearer views of any detail / more complimnetary to your colouring...;)

linnyjj

Hi,

Thankyou for the advice, my other half will be sick of my moaning if this carries on till next year.

I do appreciate my mum helping us out but she is trying to make out that because she is paying for a bit of it that she has a right to decide anything and when i do suggest my own ideas about who i want to invite or my idea about having a wedding cupcake then she totally disagrees with me.

The main argument at the moment is about my stepdads brother in law and family coming to the wedding service, they werent originally invited but when i asked if my mum knew any photographers she went ahead and asked my stepdads bil without my knowledge( he isnt a proffessional photographer just a hobby) and also invited stepdads sister, niece and mother, we are not close and only see them at christmas or family partys so i was only intending on inviting them to the evening reception so when she said he had agreed to do the photos for nothing i just let it go but he had a heart attack earlier this year and wont be fit enough to do the photos so we have now booked a photographer and they are not cheap so we decided to cut back on the number of guests at the service because we are paying for a meal at our local pub for all the wedding guests so we thought this was ok.

When i informed my mother this morning she was not happy and i told her it was our wedding and we are paying for the meal and needed to cut guests down to pay for the photographer but she doesnt understand.

Anyway thanks for the advice and i will talk to her but she is away for 2 weeks from the weekend so i will see what i can get done while she is away.

Thanks again for the advice and i am sure it will all be ok eventually.:o

Lemon_Tree

hi, sending you hugs. My mum tried it on a few times when we first started making plans and was met with a resounding 'no!' and i think i even said to her' you cannot keep offering to pay just so you get your own way' she didn't like it but i'm glad i said it otherwise she would have completely taken over. Good luck i'm sure you will get there in the end and still be sane.

claireac

Sending you lots of hugs (((()))) sounds like a nightmare!

Does she actually realise that she's stressing you and upsetting you so much? She might not have a clue, and actually think she's doing a big favour by helping organise things.

With regards to your step dads family, maybe she feels awkward and put in a "position" if you see what I mean?

A think a heart to heart is required!

Maybe her being away on hols will give you a break too !!

linnyjj

Hi,

I am hoping with her being away for 2 weeks it will do us both some good because i wont put up with it for the next year. I do obviously want her involved but i dont want her telling me what to do just because she thinks she has a right to seeing as she is paying for some of it, i have discussed it with my other half and we have said if things dont change when she gets back and i have talked to her about it then we will pay her the money back that she has already paid out which is just the £250 for the reception venue at the moment.

Hopefully she will see where im coming from and try and help instead of hinder me.

Thanks for all the hugs very appreciated.

Lyn. xx.

karen_newcastle

Personally I think you might inflame the situation if you give her the money back. If it was me I would be very offended and this may make life diffucult. I would just let things settle and don't mention the wedding to your mum if she does just change the subject. It sounds like all the main things are booked so there is not much for you to be doing right now. When 2009 comes around you can then start the planning process and then you can tell her that its you wedding and you'll do exactly what you want.

As for you step dads family - I would just invite them to the evening as this is a happy compromise however if this causes problems ask your Mum to pay for their meals during the day as you've had to pay for the photographer. Then you don't lose out.

But the main thing is to let the dust settle as you have ages until Sept 2009

paddingtondoo

Big hugs as well - in my opinion she is really only entitled to a say in the things she is paying for. Do you know what you want? If you do you will sound more confident when you discuss it with her. Hopefully after 2 weeks of space things will settle down.

I'm having a tower of fairy buns as my wedding cake and know my mother would go spare so I haven't told her :rotfl:.
Hopefully after 2 weeks of space things will settle down.

Mother's are funny where daughter's weddings are concerned - I'm lucky in my mother having arranged my first wedding so she gets no say this time.

Use the method i use with my other half and drip feed suggestions over a period of time and lo and behold he usually ends up thinking its his idea (worked a treat with my cake)

floss2

linnyjj wrote: »

.....When i informed my mother this morning she was not happy and i told her it was our wedding and we are paying for the meal and needed to cut guests down to pay for the photographer but she doesnt understand......

Why not do a spreadsheet with everything on it, how much it is & who is paying for it. Break it down to show for example 27 meals at pub, 27 x £15.95, so that your mum can see exactly how much you are paying & why paying for a photographer is going to be more expensive than 5 more lunches.