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  • FIRST POST
    • ForeverAwake
    • By ForeverAwake 5th Dec 17, 7:59 PM
    • 38Posts
    • 9Thanks
    ForeverAwake
    Am I being used by my family?
    • #1
    • 5th Dec 17, 7:59 PM
    Am I being used by my family? 5th Dec 17 at 7:59 PM
    My sister asked to borrow £50 until next day to prevent overdraft fees due to direct debit. I agreed and transferred the money.

    Four weeks later.. no mention of it. She did this last year too. I’m worried I’ll get the “it’s Christmas and I’ve got kids.. I’ll pay you back £10 a week soon” scenario. I think that’s terrible to ask to “borrow” money from someone with no intention of paying it back.

    She also opened a birthday card that was meant for me from a friend and took gift money out and spent it.

    My mother asked to borrow £300 towards a car, however when I asked for the money back she said “I’ve got an enough money”, “I wanted her to have the car”, and “you can use the car for driving lessons”.

    I’m worried they feel “entitled” to money from me because I’ve done well in my job recently.
Page 1
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 5th Dec 17, 8:10 PM
    • 15,989 Posts
    • 40,904 Thanks
    balletshoes
    • #2
    • 5th Dec 17, 8:10 PM
    • #2
    • 5th Dec 17, 8:10 PM
    so now's the time to speak up - next time your mum and sister ask for a loan, tell them you'll happily consider it when they pay you back the money you've already lent them this year. End of discussion (and its okay to say "No" to lending money).
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 5th Dec 17, 9:02 PM
    • 1,192 Posts
    • 4,245 Thanks
    lika_86
    • #3
    • 5th Dec 17, 9:02 PM
    • #3
    • 5th Dec 17, 9:02 PM
    If your sister did it last year then you probably don't have anyone to blame but yourself for falling for it a second time. Although it is slightly unclear as to whether you've made any attempt to get the money back.

    Did you confront her as to why she stole money from a card for you? Or even why she went in there in the first place?

    Other than making it clear to both that you want the money back I think the only thing you can do is not lend them anything again (unless you're happy for it to be a gift)
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 5th Dec 17, 9:11 PM
    • 11,202 Posts
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    Pixie5740
    • #4
    • 5th Dec 17, 9:11 PM
    • #4
    • 5th Dec 17, 9:11 PM
    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
    Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds nought and six, result misery.
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 5th Dec 17, 9:12 PM
    • 11,202 Posts
    • 15,655 Thanks
    Pixie5740
    • #5
    • 5th Dec 17, 9:12 PM
    • #5
    • 5th Dec 17, 9:12 PM
    Do you still live at home with your mum and sister?
    Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds nought and six, result misery.
    • Newbie Ginnings
    • By Newbie Ginnings 5th Dec 17, 9:16 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 181 Thanks
    Newbie Ginnings
    • #6
    • 5th Dec 17, 9:16 PM
    • #6
    • 5th Dec 17, 9:16 PM
    Hi. Just my two penneth, having had a sibling who constantly "borrowed" (and lied, stole and cheated) from us for years growing up, bite the bullet and say enough is enough. You may not get this money back, but you will feel empowered if you say no next time. Weigh up the odds of getting it back carefully before giving them any more in future.
    Good luck & be strong x
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 6th Dec 17, 12:22 AM
    • 169 Posts
    • 317 Thanks
    JayJay100
    • #7
    • 6th Dec 17, 12:22 AM
    • #7
    • 6th Dec 17, 12:22 AM
    My sister asked to borrow £50 until next day to prevent overdraft fees due to direct debit. I agreed and transferred the money.

    Four weeks later.. no mention of it. She did this last year too. I’m worried I’ll get the “it’s Christmas and I’ve got kids.. I’ll pay you back £10 a week soon” scenario. I think that’s terrible to ask to “borrow” money from someone with no intention of paying it back.

    She also opened a birthday card that was meant for me from a friend and took gift money out and spent it.

    My mother asked to borrow £300 towards a car, however when I asked for the money back she said “I’ve got an enough money”, “I wanted her to have the car”, and “you can use the car for driving lessons”.

    I’m worried they feel “entitled” to money from me because I’ve done well in my job recently.
    Originally posted by ForeverAwake
    I could be wrong, but I get the feeling from this thread that you may be quite young, and standing up to your mum and sister may be easier said than done. It's strange how often things like this happen; they wouldn't do it to friend or a stranger, but family is fair game, and if you say something about it, you're made to feel that you're the one in the wrong.

    As a suggestion, I would perhaps adjust whatever you would normally spend on your sister and her family for Christmas by £50, and either shop smart, so she doesn't realise, or tell her that you spent a bit less than usual, but you don't want the £50 back.

    The car money and the money in the card have probably gone, and you won't see them again. Make sure you get those driving lessons, and don't put fuel in, unless you're asked to.

    It may also be time to be a bit more cagey about the amount of money you earn, and even hide some of it away in a savings account or an ISA that they don't know about. If you've done well in your job recently, you could always say that it was only a secondment, and you're back to your previous wage, or that it was down to overtime, and that's now finished. I know you shouldn't have to do this, but it might be the least confrontational way forward.

    Good luck!
    • bagpussbear
    • By bagpussbear 6th Dec 17, 6:46 AM
    • 780 Posts
    • 2,606 Thanks
    bagpussbear
    • #8
    • 6th Dec 17, 6:46 AM
    • #8
    • 6th Dec 17, 6:46 AM

    As a suggestion, I would perhaps adjust whatever you would normally spend on your sister and her family for Christmas by £50, and either shop smart, so she doesn't realise, or tell her that you spent a bit less than usual, but you don't want the £50 back.
    Originally posted by JayJay100

    Agree with this! get an inexpensive box of chocs or something, and if she says anything, tell her not to worry about the £50 you loaned her, as her pressie. Let's face it, you know you aren't going to get it back anyway.

    OP, you need to learn to say no. We all have to do it sometimes, and it can feel uncomfortable and difficult when it's people we love especially.

    It does sound like they are taking you for granted. I think you shouldn't tell you what you are earning, or promotions or anything like that. None of their business.

    Outrageous they opened your birthday card and spent it, that's theft! Sounds indicative of them not seeing you as an adult or respecting that fact.

    Draw a line over the £50, £300 and anything else that's happened. But start now as you mean to go on. Say no if anyone asks for a loan, keep your mouth shut over your job and earnings.

    To be honest, if you are living with them, I suggest you move out which would solve the problem.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 6th Dec 17, 7:07 AM
    • 30,837 Posts
    • 18,445 Thanks
    getmore4less
    • #9
    • 6th Dec 17, 7:07 AM
    • #9
    • 6th Dec 17, 7:07 AM
    User name made my snigger

    ForeverAwake, more like HalfAsleep.


    I would go with the get nothing for Xmas and birthdays.
    Just a note in a card(reuse the one they stole the money from) to say they got their present early.
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 6th Dec 17, 7:14 AM
    • 4,536 Posts
    • 6,116 Thanks
    74jax
    Yes they are, but you are letting them so I can't blame them really.

    Either continue to loan them knowing you won't get it back and don't complain, or stop loaning.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 6th Dec 17, 8:07 AM
    • 502 Posts
    • 790 Thanks
    BBH123
    I feel your pain as this happened to me.


    I had done very well in my job and had the trappings to go with it and I realised that insidiously I had become a walking cashpoint.


    Mum ' borrowed' as and when and there were always reasons it couldn't be paid back


    my brother needed a place to stay so I evicted tenants in my second home for him to move in. He trashed the place.


    My closest fried 'borrowed' money to do a training course and no mention was ever made of it again.


    The final straw was when I went shopping with mum at a time she owed me £300 and she bought herself clothes etc.


    I realised I was being taken for a fool and I asked my friend for the money back and also mum as I said it wasn't fair on her buying non essentials whilst she hadn't paid a bean of this money back.


    OP it is the slippery slope down and at least you have recognised it, you may have to right off what you have given so far but from now on you can't lend / give money. If you don't feel comfortable saying no think of an excuse eg large car repair / flat repair bills, new boiler etc


    If your family follow mine they will get the message and stop asking.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 6th Dec 17, 8:21 AM
    • 18,582 Posts
    • 47,834 Thanks
    Pollycat
    In answer to your question in the title of your thread:
    Am I being used by my family?
    Yes, you are and I think you know it.

    You can stop it by refusing to lend money next time you are asked.

    Taking money that belongs to you (the money your sister took from your birthday card) without your consent is stealing.

    After this, why on earth did you lend her £50?

    I'm a little bit confused by this below:

    My mother asked to borrow £300 towards a car, however when I asked for the money back she said “I’ve got an enough money”, “I wanted her to have the car”, and “you can use the car for driving lessons”.
    Originally posted by ForeverAwake
    Do you mean your Mother had enough money to buy the car without the £300 she borrowed from you?
    If she did, why didn't you insist on having that £300 back?

    Who is the 'her' that your Mum referred to?

    I think it's time to pull on your big girl pants and tell your family that you will not be lending them any more money.
    If you don't do that, there's only you to blame if they borrow again and don't pay you back in the future.
    • Lioness Twinkletoes
    • By Lioness Twinkletoes 6th Dec 17, 8:55 AM
    • 1,092 Posts
    • 3,527 Thanks
    Lioness Twinkletoes
    My sister asked to borrow £50 until next day to prevent overdraft fees due to direct debit. I agreed and transferred the money.

    Four weeks later.. no mention of it. She did this last year too. I’m worried I’ll get the “it’s Christmas and I’ve got kids.. I’ll pay you back £10 a week soon” scenario. I think that’s terrible to ask to “borrow” money from someone with no intention of paying it back.

    She also opened a birthday card that was meant for me from a friend and took gift money out and spent it.

    My mother asked to borrow £300 towards a car, however when I asked for the money back she said “I’ve got an enough money”, “I wanted her to have the car”, and “you can use the car for driving lessons”.

    I’m worried they feel “entitled” to money from me because I’ve done well in my job recently.
    Originally posted by ForeverAwake
    Seriously. Do you really need to ask if you're being used? Your family have stolen from you. Grow a pair and say no to any future requests. And tell your thieving sister if she ever steals from you again you'll report her.
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 6th Dec 17, 11:36 AM
    • 3,460 Posts
    • 5,302 Thanks
    Malthusian
    You can be someone's creditor or their friend but not both.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 6th Dec 17, 12:27 PM
    • 3,634 Posts
    • 7,999 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    You can be someone's creditor or their friend but not both.
    Originally posted by Malthusian
    I view it slightly differently, I treat money lent to friends as a gift, if I get I back it's a bonus, but I won't "lend" it unless I'm happy to gift it.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • Scorpio33
    • By Scorpio33 6th Dec 17, 1:44 PM
    • 477 Posts
    • 681 Thanks
    Scorpio33
    If its family, I would never loan as if there were issues giving it back, it would cause resentment and you can't change your family, so money would never be worth falling out over. However, I would only give them small amounts and if they ever asked for more, say that you don't like doing so.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 6th Dec 17, 2:44 PM
    • 2,552 Posts
    • 6,225 Thanks
    ska lover
    Money and families eh. Can really cause falling out big time

    Your situation doesn't sound too drastic, doesn't sound like you are tied in to anything, you aren't a guarantor or anything where they have got you by the balls (as such)

    You can simply say no.

    I don't think you are harming them, for a car, its hardly like they are starving if you say no - for example, or are desperate they are going to become homeless if you say no. The implications are very few for them if you say no - they will merely be able to afford less luxuries

    In future, don't feel backed into a corner, get s response ready so you dont agree without meaning to - if they put you on the spot. You can always say ill have to think about it.

    Then text later saying no. You don't really have to give a reason.

    When it is family repeatedly mugging you off for money it can really cause strained relationships but really this situation seems like the word NO would put an end to it.

    They might be grumpy with you about it, but tht is their problem not yours. In reality these are pretty minor amounts of money that they are asking for occasionally - they will learn to get by without it

    I have had problems myself with this scenario, and whilst i am all for helping family or anyone else when they are down on their luck and need it - there comes a point where it starts having a negative impact on you if you continue giving and they arent helping themselves and you are going without so they can have luxuries
    Last edited by ska lover; 06-12-2017 at 2:48 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 6th Dec 17, 5:09 PM
    • 4,856 Posts
    • 9,176 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    Yes you are being used so I would not lend them money in the future especially as it was not critical. If they are not planning on paying you back then chalk it up to experience and at Christmas just say that they don't have to pay you back and don't bother getting them gifts.
    1 week to go until early retirement. Debt free and mortgage free.

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    • maman
    • By maman 6th Dec 17, 6:08 PM
    • 17,162 Posts
    • 102,608 Thanks
    maman
    I view it slightly differently, I treat money lent to friends as a gift, if I get I back it's a bonus, but I won't "lend" it unless I'm happy to gift it.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99

    That's fine and it means that you'll never 'lend' money you can't afford but that doesn't mean that family should see you as a cashpoint and keep asking whether for loans or gifts.


    Can't help feeling this isn't for real or maybe OP is just very naïve.


    Maybe I'm just getting cynical.
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 6th Dec 17, 6:46 PM
    • 15,989 Posts
    • 40,904 Thanks
    balletshoes
    I view it slightly differently, I treat money lent to friends as a gift, if I get I back it's a bonus, but I won't "lend" it unless I'm happy to gift it.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99
    i completely agree with this - with friends and family I'd only "lend" money if I was happy not to get it back - and as I'm not rolling in dosh I would have to seriously consider the "lending" bit if anyone asked me. Luckily its not a situation I'm often put in.
    Last edited by balletshoes; 06-12-2017 at 6:49 PM.
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