I've had my esa hearing where I only scored 6 points, I went with a friend but as he didn't enter the room with me, even though I asked the woman is it just me and you? She said yes so I said to my friend in front of her ok you can stay here. She put me down as attending alone. My friend sat with me 45 mins and we discussed books, graphic novels some of which he brought with him to distract me.

I tried to explain myself as clearly as I could, but couldn't think of everything. I wept openly talking about my struggles with depression, anxiety and stress especially since my brother died 3 years ago. I'd had an operation on my face/neck in October and that brought up all the anxiety. She asked me if something small was off will it destroy everything? I thought about it and was like in my head if I missed my bus, lost my pen or something "no it wouldn't destroy everything" I didn't think about how easily I crumble into tears with even the slightest thing, a bad comment, a look.

I said I only really go out with someone with me as I get anxious and sometimes get lightheaded and palpitations if alone or stressed in these situations. I only walk my dogs in the night after its dark and I go with my stepdad, it's dead out so I'm ok. I said I might see one or two friends, maybe go see them with a lift and that sometimes I go weeks without seeing anyone. She wrote that I see different friends every 3 days or so.... I'm like wtf?

I did take a folder of paperwork and explained some folded over was my sick notes in case the lost any, and then hospital appointment letters and appointment letter for my counselling too. She said I don't need to see that.

The woman said I was dressed and presented myself well (can't remember exact wording) but I hadn't showered in 10 days as I hate to be naked and exposed and the pressure of the water on me. She asked me do I have any intentions to kill myself right now? I said no as I'm trying each day to carry on, to stay strong. Since my last real bought of I'm about to do it. I struggle each day. She wrote no thoughts of self harm. I'm like she didn't even ask that.....

Anyway I failed and asked for a mandatory reconsideration I wrote a letter and sat and poured my heart out 5 pages of how much I hate being alive and wanting daily to just end it all. Like so much additional information about my life. It came back no additional points, so failed. I can't believe nothing I wrote changed anything, it's like they just read her stuff again and ignored mine. Nothing addressed even wrote at the end it's difficult to talk about these issues face to face but when writing it just pours out.....

So my appeal letter was finally accepted, I asked for oral as that has the most chance. I asked for more than 2 weeks notice so it's not sprung on me. I went to citizens advice to write my appeal letter and they gave me the wrong address to send it too. So it came back this is not the right address we don't forward things send it again....

Anyway CAB tells me they no longer send repreaentatives with people to the tribunals as the dwp is making it very difficult for them, she says they can only assign someone if you get a referral from your gp. I go to go and explain it she knows my situation and says I can't refer anyone to citizens advice, it's it possible it's not on her system. Nothing she can do.

So now I'm !!!!ed, no clue what help toget or who to turn to. I found a website that offered tribunal rep for esa appeal hearings, finally speak too guy who says he charges like £600 to go with it with you. I was like I'm broke that's why I'm going through this hell. I looked up welfare rights as I'd seen them on a few forums, googled them got Liverpool one and the links don't work. I'm drowning here and no clue who to turn to? Who can help me? I don't want to go through this hell and fail.

My last issue is I'm on probation but the dwp doesn't know this and though I've been to counselling through probation anything paper wise I get from them to support my case will tell them it's from probation. Someone told me I can use these and don't have to tell them what it's about, is this right? Would I have to disclose to them what this is about? It's not dreadful but it's still my record now and I'd rather not declare it until it's spent next year.

Questions recap
In Liverpool
How do I get someone to represent me? And who? Got no money must be free
What more help can I get? My dr gave me a letter but it just pretty much had my medication on no personal info otherwise about my condition. I can ask my other dr who regularly treats me (he was away but she was nice even gave me a hug and put down a psychiatrist referral).
I'm doing a support group in probation and have a case worker who says I Defo shouldn't be going back to work yet. She said she would give me a letter too but I was worried them knowing my probation status.
I'm doing online cbt course with weekly phone calls with counsellor who knows a lot of my !!!!, buts it's only been about 7 weeks, can I ask him for a letter? A know more professional people the better.
Did that woman at CAB steer me wrong about referral or do I need it from someone else? What am I missing here to get the help I need.

I got my appeal papers less than a week ago so I guess it coming soon. Oh yeah and my friend who went with me last time has just started a new job so don't know if he can go with me again if it's soon as his job is very new. I don't know what I'm going to do, the other friend who knows as much is a bit of a loud mouth and may let me down if I ask him to come with? He was supposed to come when I went to court and bailed last minute with some unexpected work, so I was left to face that alone.

Please help I'm so lost.