Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Fairys38
    • By Fairys38 10th Jul 17, 12:30 PM
    • 7Posts
    • 1Thanks
    Fairys38
    Am I being unreasonable?
    • #1
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:30 PM
    Am I being unreasonable? 10th Jul 17 at 12:30 PM
    Hi,
    To cut a long story short I left my husband a few months ago one of the main reasons being him never having an interest in getting a full time job (he earns abut £6k a year), since then i have been paying all the rent £825 and child maintenance £550 a month despite having my daughter with me 4 nights a week although he does pick her up from school as I work full time but there is an afterschool clubs she goes to 1 day a week.

    Whilst i didn't mind this in the beginning to give him time to get on his feet he still doesn't seem to be wanting to get a job, the tenancy is in my name and he didn't want me to see about getting it changed as its an AST and he didn't want the landlord to decide to evict instead and I didn't want that for my daughter either.

    I would like to get myself sorted but paying him that amount each month makes it very difficult, I took with me all the debts £15k approx.

    I think a few more months and I would like him to support himself quite a lot more, I don't mind paying £500 a month as that seems reasonable but £1400 seems excessive. I do still pay all one off expenses as well for my daughter.

    Appreciate your views.
Page 1
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 10th Jul 17, 12:41 PM
    • 7,570 Posts
    • 16,677 Thanks
    heartbreak_star
    • #2
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:41 PM
    • #2
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:41 PM
    Why on earth are you supporting him?!

    HBS x
    I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

    #JC4PM
    • Placitasgirl
    • By Placitasgirl 10th Jul 17, 12:50 PM
    • 216 Posts
    • 371 Thanks
    Placitasgirl
    • #3
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:50 PM
    • #3
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:50 PM
    I'm sorry but I'm confused. Your daughter spends 4 nights a week with you, so 3 nights a week with Dad.

    You're paying your husband £500 a month in child maintenance. Why?

    By continuing to support your husband in this way you're giving him no incentive or reason to do anything different to that which contributed to your split.

    I assume he isn't paying you maintenance for the time you have your daughter? Are you claiming/receiving Child Benefit/Child Tax Credits for your daughter?

    I simply don't understand this £500 payment for his 3 night a week care for your daughter.
    • Fairys38
    • By Fairys38 10th Jul 17, 12:51 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fairys38
    • #4
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:51 PM
    • #4
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:51 PM
    Probably guilt (for no real reason I might add) and for the benefit of my daughter
    • fairy lights
    • By fairy lights 10th Jul 17, 12:53 PM
    • 7,941 Posts
    • 26,443 Thanks
    fairy lights
    • #5
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:53 PM
    • #5
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:53 PM
    Probably guilt (for no real reason I might add) and for the benefit of my daughter
    Originally posted by Fairys38
    You enabling him won't benefit your daughter in the long run. What motivation does he have to get a job if he knows he can always rely on you to bankroll him?
    Is he still living with you?
    • Fairys38
    • By Fairys38 10th Jul 17, 12:54 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fairys38
    • #6
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:54 PM
    • #6
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:54 PM
    I'm sorry but I'm confused. Your daughter spends 4 nights a week with you, so 3 nights a week with Dad.

    You're paying your husband £500 a month in child maintenance. Why?

    By continuing to support your husband in this way you're giving him no incentive or reason to do anything different to that which contributed to your split.

    I assume he isn't paying you maintenance for the time you have your daughter? Are you claiming/receiving Child Benefit/Child Tax Credits for your daughter?

    I simply don't understand this £500 payment for his 3 night a week care for your daughter.
    Originally posted by Placitasgirl
    I know it sounds ridiculous but I just didn't want the arguments, my daughter spends more time with him or equal at least just more nights with me as his job is very early in the morning, its all to make things easier for my daughter but I realise this is at my detriment, I don't get any benefits for her but I think he does.
    • Fairys38
    • By Fairys38 10th Jul 17, 12:57 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fairys38
    • #7
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:57 PM
    • #7
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:57 PM
    You enabling him won't benefit your daughter in the long run. What motivation does he have to get a job if he knows he can always rely on you to bankroll him?
    Is he still living with you?
    Originally posted by fairy lights
    No I moved out.
    I think it doesn't feel odd as I have always paid for everything for 15 years in reality, just writing it down makes me realise how ridiculous that sounds
    • Mr_Toad
    • By Mr_Toad 10th Jul 17, 12:57 PM
    • 2,399 Posts
    • 3,692 Thanks
    Mr_Toad
    • #8
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:57 PM
    • #8
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:57 PM
    And this is different to the many separated non working mums who get maintenance from their working husbands how?
    One by one the penguins are slowly stealing my sanity.
    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 10th Jul 17, 12:59 PM
    • 3,159 Posts
    • 5,326 Thanks
    avogadro
    • #9
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:59 PM
    • #9
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:59 PM
    Not unheard of for the non-resident parent to pay rent and maintenance for the child and RP. What does the CSA recommend that you pay?
    • Fairys38
    • By Fairys38 10th Jul 17, 1:03 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fairys38
    Not unheard of for the non-resident parent to pay rent and maintenance for the child and RP. What does the CSA recommend that you pay?
    Originally posted by avogadro
    I did the calculator and it said £76 a week
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 10th Jul 17, 1:12 PM
    • 27,959 Posts
    • 71,100 Thanks
    Mojisola
    despite having my daughter with me 4 nights a week
    Originally posted by Fairys38
    Not unheard of for the non-resident parent to pay rent and maintenance for the child and RP. What does the CSA recommend that you pay?
    Originally posted by avogadro
    As Fairy has their daughter for four nights a week, she is the RP and should be claiming all the child-related benefits.

    The father should also be paying child maintenance but, as the care is roughly 50/50, it would be fair not to ask for that.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 10th Jul 17, 1:24 PM
    • 1,367 Posts
    • 2,939 Thanks
    Loz01
    If you have your child 4 nights a week why are you giving HIM £500 a month?

    And if you have her the most, you should be the one claiming the child benefit etc, not him.

    He will have even less incentive to get up and get a job if he's getting all this money every month.
    An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 10th Jul 17, 1:32 PM
    • 27,959 Posts
    • 71,100 Thanks
    Mojisola
    he earns abut £6k a year

    i have been paying all the rent £825 and child maintenance £550 a month

    I do still pay all one off expenses as well for my daughter.
    Originally posted by Fairys38
    Put his income into one of the benefit calculators - add in what you're giving him and see just how money he has coming in each month.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 10th Jul 17, 1:42 PM
    • 15,702 Posts
    • 39,309 Thanks
    FBaby
    Do you realise that he is probably much better off than you are at the end of the month? Is he claiming CB too and therefore tax credits? Do you pay the rent to him or to the LL directly?
    • Fairys38
    • By Fairys38 10th Jul 17, 1:45 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fairys38
    Do you realise that he is probably much better off than you are at the end of the month? Is he claiming CB too and therefore tax credits? Do you pay the rent to him or to the LL directly?
    Originally posted by FBaby
    I pay the landlord directly as the tenancy is in my name, due to his job it wasn't a joint tenancy but he was an 'allowed resident'
    The CB has always been in his name as he was always the parent that stayed at home more which when DD was tiny was ok but shes been school age for a number of years now with no change forthcoming.
    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 10th Jul 17, 1:47 PM
    • 3,159 Posts
    • 5,326 Thanks
    avogadro
    As Fairy has their daughter for four nights a week, she is the RP and should be claiming all the child-related benefits.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Sorry to split hairs, but it is relevant here. The OP moved out of the family home, leaving the child there with its father. 4 nights out of 7 days and 7 nights means the child is not in their care for most of the time. OP is therefore the NRP.

    No I moved out.
    Originally posted by Fairys38
    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 10th Jul 17, 2:00 PM
    • 3,159 Posts
    • 5,326 Thanks
    avogadro
    The CB has always been in his name as he was always the parent that stayed at home more which when DD was tiny was ok but shes been school age for a number of years now with no change forthcoming.
    Originally posted by Fairys38
    It sounds like the father has always been the child's main carer. Gender should be irrelevant here, but I suspect had it been the man who left the wife and child and moved out of the family home, and the wife who undertook the main care of the child/house and only earned £6k per year the replies would have been very different!
    • unholyangel
    • By unholyangel 10th Jul 17, 2:45 PM
    • 11,119 Posts
    • 8,380 Thanks
    unholyangel
    It sounds like the father has always been the child's main carer. Gender should be irrelevant here, but I suspect had it been the man who left the wife and child and moved out of the family home, and the wife who undertook the main care of the child/house and only earned £6k per year the replies would have been very different!
    Originally posted by avogadro
    If you go back about a month, you should find several threads - posted by both mothers and fathers with the mother wanting more money and the majority of posters saying how generous the father was being already and how his only obligation is to the child/ren, not his ex and that she should get a job/better job.

    However OP said care is pretty much 5050. She gets child 4 nights but the father gets 3 nights plus a few hours 3 days a week from after school until OP gets home from work. Which to me would indicate shared residence rather than one parent being the main carer.
    Money doesn't solve poverty.....it creates it.
    • davidwood123
    • By davidwood123 10th Jul 17, 3:10 PM
    • 420 Posts
    • 1,045 Thanks
    davidwood123
    If you go back about a month, you should find several threads - posted by both mothers and fathers with the mother wanting more money and the majority of posters saying how generous the father was being already and how his only obligation is to the child/ren, not his ex and that she should get a job/better job.

    However OP said care is pretty much 5050. She gets child 4 nights but the father gets 3 nights plus a few hours 3 days a week from after school until OP gets home from work. Which to me would indicate shared residence rather than one parent being the main carer.
    Originally posted by unholyangel
    Unfortunately in the UK, the courts as well as society in general always subconsciously, regard the mother as a better parent
    • Fairys38
    • By Fairys38 10th Jul 17, 3:47 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fairys38
    The gist seems to be pretty equal, I don't want to create problems but he also needs to make soem effort to support himself, he is very capable but just hasn't. for information he also didn't work full time for 6 years or so prior to our DD being born so it wasn't really just about looking after her when i was at work and she also went to nursery part time from 6 months old when I went back after mat leave.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

205Posts Today

1,323Users online

Martin's Twitter