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  • FIRST POST
    • hec2308
    • By hec2308 9th Oct 16, 7:39 PM
    • 68Posts
    • 51Thanks
    hec2308
    Help? At my wits end
    • #1
    • 9th Oct 16, 7:39 PM
    Help? At my wits end 9th Oct 16 at 7:39 PM
    So I should probably provide a bit of context to the situation.

    I work for three bosses as a PA. I definitely work for one of them more than the others and that director is....a bully. He is a psychopath, a narcissist and not a very pleasant person. It's all wrapped up in a package of charm that gets him to where he is and means he is untouchable and popular, he reminds me of my father but that is by the by.

    I have worked here for two and a half years. He is difficult to work for, I have coped for two and a half years. He calls people stupid, moronic etc. and sexist remarks are common place. I am a confident person, I have done what I can to tolerate regular verbal abuse in front of the entire team. This isn't what has broken me. I am strong.

    A month in to my new job back in 2014, they threw an office party to celebrate their new premises. A lot of clients were invited and obviously there were canapes and drinks a-plenty. One of the clients was "sexually inappropriate" towards me. I am loathe to describe it as sexual assault, but I will say that people investigated by operation Yew Tree have been jailed for less. He also said a lot of inappropriate things but words I can cope with.

    I went to a direct on the night and told her about it, he was kicked out and a few meetings followed the incident. They said that they would get rid of him as a client. He had just referred a client to us and I knew this brought us money and that he was someone the directors had known for years. I felt totally and completely humiliated by the entire experience and felt that I would be judged on my response as being a sensitive, fragile flower for the rest of my time at the company. As a result I said that I did not expect them to banish him as a client for my sake. I am a strong person and as long as I do not have to have contact with him or see him I was ok to proceed as normal. I was promised that both these conditions would be met and that has been the status quo for the last 2.5 years.

    Recently, one of the directors scheduled a meeting at our offices which this client was to be involved in. I made my surprise at this clear in a calm and apologetic way last week on a Thursday. On the Friday morning my manager (who is lovely but inept as an authoritative person) took me downstairs and said that he had been called by the director I specifically work for and told that they were very angry with me. They were horrified that I felt able in my position to tell them where they could have meetings and who with, and that they intended to have a formal meeting with me about it.

    I was probably wrong, but I got quite upset at this (mainly out of frustration rather than vulnerability) and said that I simply could not stay if their position had changed and I was now expected to meet this client or even just be in the same building as him.

    So that happened on the Friday. On Monday last week, one of my colleagues (who I am firm friends with) handed in their notice. My male director and my manager called me downstairs and asked if I would take her position (a promotion) and then they could advertise for a replacement of my job. I said that I would not want to do the exams involved with this promotion hoping that would be sufficient enough but my boss then said that I would not be expected to do the exams. So I had no excuses left.

    I hesitated for a moment and suddenly my boss went into a tangent of "you don't seem happy, and haven't done for weeks - what is wrong?"

    I don't know where he got the last few weeks from. I had been very unhappy on the Thursday and Friday when this situation transpired but that was it. I was honest. I said that I was unhappy about the inappropriate client situation. I was essentially told to get over it and that I had imagined their angry response in my head. Obviously he did not know that my manager had told me that they were angry with me and my manager did not speak up in this meeting. I kept my mouth shut to spare him. So this was made to look as if I had imagined this and that I was overreacting. Even though I knew his true thoughts on it. But he is a very good and smooth liar....I was honest and said that I was thinking about leaving as I agreed with them totally, they are the bosses and they should be able to have what meetings they want and when. But I will not be involved as long as that man is a client.

    So I have endured secret meetings held about me etc. and frankly the last week has been awful. They started advertising for my job on Wednesday, despite the fact I haven't handed my notice in. I'm not sure whether I was meant to feel sacked or not? I don't really get it. However I took it in my stride and carried on. It was terrible timing seeing as I said I was thinking about leaving on Monday (which is true - I was very honest), but I found a lump in my breast on Thursday evening. I phoned my doctor on Friday and she wanted me to come in for an appointment but the only available slot was 10 past 4. I didn't feel able to take it after how I had been treated all week by my bosses. I spoke to my manager about it and said that I would schedule an appointment for Monday (tomorrow) instead because of this. He said that I seemed too "deliriously happy" i.e. as if I had just got another job/interview so he didn't know if I was being honest.

    I was. I would never lie about something to do with a "cancer scare" I seemed "happy" because that is my brave face and until someone sits me down and tells me I've got cancer I'm not going to walk around as if I do. I am 27 years old and I know the chances are very slim.

    So they had a meeting downstairs about whether I was lying or not. It was eventually decided it was legitimate and that I would be allowed to have the 4.10pm appointment as it wasn't an interview.

    I feel completely broken. I have been a good employee for years and I have never lied. If I ws a natural liar I would have taken the promotion and the payrise and continued my plans to leave with the additional money in my pocket. I didn't want to do that.

    I feel like now ultimate suspicion is on me and they won't let me out for anything. I feel so down and depressed about the entire situation, I don't know what to do. I need to get out, I'm not happy and I can't keep going like this. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions having been in a similar situation??

    Edit: so sorry, I didn't realise how long this was until I posted. Sorry.
Page 1
    • Nicki
    • By Nicki 9th Oct 16, 8:02 PM
    • 7,415 Posts
    • 26,032 Thanks
    Nicki
    • #2
    • 9th Oct 16, 8:02 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Oct 16, 8:02 PM
    It sounds like they think you laid down an ultimatum over the client and they are calling your bluff on it. Whilst I can understand that you are upset, I'm not sure there is an easy way back from all this.

    What do you want to happen now given that they aren't any longer going to give you your wish over the client being kept away from the office? If you want to leave over it, you may be able to negotiate an early exit and pay in lieu of notice. If you want to stay until you have found another job, you may need to be prepared to weather a chilly atmosphere for a while.
    • xapprenticex
    • By xapprenticex 9th Oct 16, 8:18 PM
    • 692 Posts
    • 504 Thanks
    xapprenticex
    • #3
    • 9th Oct 16, 8:18 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Oct 16, 8:18 PM
    from the sounds of it, leaving there would be a blessing. only issue is if they tarnish your reputation as you need a reference when going for another job.
    • sangie595
    • By sangie595 9th Oct 16, 9:02 PM
    • 2,735 Posts
    • 4,276 Thanks
    sangie595
    • #4
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:02 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:02 PM
    So I should probably provide a bit of context to the situation.

    I work for three bosses as a PA. I definitely work for one of them more than the others and that director is....a bully. He is a psychopath, a narcissist and not a very pleasant person. It's all wrapped up in a package of charm that gets him to where he is and means he is untouchable and popular, he reminds me of my father but that is by the by.

    I have worked here for two and a half years. He is difficult to work for, I have coped for two and a half years. He calls people stupid, moronic etc. and sexist remarks are common place. I am a confident person, I have done what I can to tolerate regular verbal abuse in front of the entire team. This isn't what has broken me. I am strong.

    A month in to my new job back in 2014, they threw an office party to celebrate their new premises. A lot of clients were invited and obviously there were canapes and drinks a-plenty. One of the clients was "sexually inappropriate" towards me. I am loathe to describe it as sexual assault, but I will say that people investigated by operation Yew Tree have been jailed for less. He also said a lot of inappropriate things but words I can cope with.

    I went to a direct on the night and told her about it, he was kicked out and a few meetings followed the incident. They said that they would get rid of him as a client. He had just referred a client to us and I knew this brought us money and that he was someone the directors had known for years. I felt totally and completely humiliated by the entire experience and felt that I would be judged on my response as being a sensitive, fragile flower for the rest of my time at the company. As a result I said that I did not expect them to banish him as a client for my sake. I am a strong person and as long as I do not have to have contact with him or see him I was ok to proceed as normal. I was promised that both these conditions would be met and that has been the status quo for the last 2.5 years.

    Recently, one of the directors scheduled a meeting at our offices which this client was to be involved in. I made my surprise at this clear in a calm and apologetic way last week on a Thursday. On the Friday morning my manager (who is lovely but inept as an authoritative person) took me downstairs and said that he had been called by the director I specifically work for and told that they were very angry with me. They were horrified that I felt able in my position to tell them where they could have meetings and who with, and that they intended to have a formal meeting with me about it.

    I was probably wrong, but I got quite upset at this (mainly out of frustration rather than vulnerability) and said that I simply could not stay if their position had changed and I was now expected to meet this client or even just be in the same building as him.

    So that happened on the Friday. On Monday last week, one of my colleagues (who I am firm friends with) handed in their notice. My male director and my manager called me downstairs and asked if I would take her position (a promotion) and then they could advertise for a replacement of my job. I said that I would not want to do the exams involved with this promotion hoping that would be sufficient enough but my boss then said that I would not be expected to do the exams. So I had no excuses left.

    I hesitated for a moment and suddenly my boss went into a tangent of "you don't seem happy, and haven't done for weeks - what is wrong?"

    I don't know where he got the last few weeks from. I had been very unhappy on the Thursday and Friday when this situation transpired but that was it. I was honest. I said that I was unhappy about the inappropriate client situation. I was essentially told to get over it and that I had imagined their angry response in my head. Obviously he did not know that my manager had told me that they were angry with me and my manager did not speak up in this meeting. I kept my mouth shut to spare him. So this was made to look as if I had imagined this and that I was overreacting. Even though I knew his true thoughts on it. But he is a very good and smooth liar....I was honest and said that I was thinking about leaving as I agreed with them totally, they are the bosses and they should be able to have what meetings they want and when. But I will not be involved as long as that man is a client.

    So I have endured secret meetings held about me etc. and frankly the last week has been awful. They started advertising for my job on Wednesday, despite the fact I haven't handed my notice in. I'm not sure whether I was meant to feel sacked or not? I don't really get it. However I took it in my stride and carried on. It was terrible timing seeing as I said I was thinking about leaving on Monday (which is true - I was very honest), but I found a lump in my breast on Thursday evening. I phoned my doctor on Friday and she wanted me to come in for an appointment but the only available slot was 10 past 4. I didn't feel able to take it after how I had been treated all week by my bosses. I spoke to my manager about it and said that I would schedule an appointment for Monday (tomorrow) instead because of this. He said that I seemed too "deliriously happy" i.e. as if I had just got another job/interview so he didn't know if I was being honest.

    I was. I would never lie about something to do with a "cancer scare" I seemed "happy" because that is my brave face and until someone sits me down and tells me I've got cancer I'm not going to walk around as if I do. I am 27 years old and I know the chances are very slim.

    So they had a meeting downstairs about whether I was lying or not. It was eventually decided it was legitimate and that I would be allowed to have the 4.10pm appointment as it wasn't an interview.

    I feel completely broken. I have been a good employee for years and I have never lied. If I ws a natural liar I would have taken the promotion and the payrise and continued my plans to leave with the additional money in my pocket. I didn't want to do that.

    I feel like now ultimate suspicion is on me and they won't let me out for anything. I feel so down and depressed about the entire situation, I don't know what to do. I need to get out, I'm not happy and I can't keep going like this. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions having been in a similar situation??

    Edit: so sorry, I didn't realise how long this was until I posted. Sorry.
    Originally posted by hec2308
    I'm going to be brutally honest here. Why do you keep insisting that you are strong and invulnerable, when you clearly are not? Seriously. If I am confused about that, don't you think your employers may be also? You are sending very mixed messages, even here.

    Did you very clearly say that you aren't taking the new job offered? Because I can't see that here. If I can't see it, did your employers see it? If they didn't, that might explain their advertising your job!

    And I'm sorry, but you cannot dictate to your employers who can and cannot enter the building. You chose, two years ago, to tell them that you didn't want them to terminate their relationship with the client. Your can't now drag it all up again and say that the person can't even set foot in the same building as you. Sorry, because I have every sympathy with your situation (and this simply illustrates again why business and alcohol do not mix), but you have been sending incredibly mixed messages throughout.

    Same thing with the appointment. You OFFERED to schedule the appointment for Monday - they didn't force toy to do anything.

    I'm sorry, but you aren't going to like this either. You are not strong here. There is something wrong. I fully understand that what you say happened was true. But your reaction now is not realistic. There is something wrong. I think possibly some sort of traumatic disorder perhaps. Whatever your boss may be like, the fact is that you have survived it very well for two years. So well that they offered you a promotion! Employers don't do that because you aren't valued. If they want you gone, they'll do something more effective than to promote you.

    I suspect this incident a couple of years ago has impacted on you much more than you believed. And you may need professional help to deal with that. That isn't a weakneas. But you are going to have to ask for help. Talk to your doctor about it and see if they can refer you.

    I really am not seeing your employers having a problem with you. I am seeing them confused, yes. Honestly, that is not surprising. Your post is confusing too. There's nothing bad about needing some help to deal with what happened. But don't let that ruin your career. You are obviously doing very well, and your employers recognise that. Don't let that man dictate your life now, or you will just be a victim. You can obviously be more than that, and you want to be. So do it. You obviously can. And you don't have to do it alone.
    Last edited by sangie595; 09-10-2016 at 9:06 PM.
    • tacpot12
    • By tacpot12 9th Oct 16, 9:11 PM
    • 364 Posts
    • 295 Thanks
    tacpot12
    • #5
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:11 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:11 PM
    I'm so sorry this has happened to you. The company you work at doesn't deserve you or your labour.

    I think you need to raise a grievance with HR about how this situation has been handled. In my experience the only way to stop this behaviour is to go on the offensive. Make your complaint in a short, specific letter to HR, in writing.

    "You were sexually assaulted by a client at the office party, you told one on the directors and you were assured they would no longer be a client, or at least they wouldn't be welcome at the site you work at, but the client is still coming on site.
    Accused of lying about needing to go to the doctors.
    Advertising your job while you still work there."

    Just lay out the bare facts of how you have been mistreated, and get some support from HR. I would also consider reporting the assault to the police.

    If the perpetrator is an employee of another company, I think you could reasonably expect a director to write a letter of complaint to their client. I would ask if this had been done, and if not, why not. Make a written note of the answer you are given.

    You have been very strong to date and can be strong through this and the rest of your career if you get a bit of support when you need it. Good luck.
    • Bogalot
    • By Bogalot 9th Oct 16, 9:21 PM
    • 319 Posts
    • 1,041 Thanks
    Bogalot
    • #6
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:21 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:21 PM
    I'm so sorry this has happened to you. The company you work at doesn't deserve you or your labour.

    I think you need to raise a grievance with HR about how this situation has been handled. In my experience the only way to stop this behaviour is to go on the offensive. Make your complaint in a short, specific letter to HR, in writing.

    "You were sexually assaulted by a client at the office party, you told one on the directors and you were assured they would no longer be a client, or at least they wouldn't be welcome at the site you work at, but the client is still coming on site.
    Accused of lying about needing to go to the doctors.
    Advertising your job while you still work there."

    Just lay out the bare facts of how you have been mistreated, and get some support from HR. I would also consider reporting the assault to the police.

    If the perpetrator is an employee of another company, I think you could reasonably expect a director to write a letter of complaint to their client. I would ask if this had been done, and if not, why not. Make a written note of the answer you are given.

    You have been very strong to date and can be strong through this and the rest of your career if you get a bit of support when you need it. Good luck.
    Originally posted by tacpot12
    You misunderstand the role of HR. They are there to support the needs of the business, their default position will be to minimise damage to the business and its senior workers, not to hold the hand of the complaining employee.

    The OP is not being strong, quite the opposite. That's not a criticism, there is no reason that she should be in such a situation. But she does need to be honest with herself. I would recommend she speaks with her GP about a counselling referral or contacts a relevant charity that may be able to offer more specialised counselling.
    • hec2308
    • By hec2308 9th Oct 16, 9:37 PM
    • 68 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    hec2308
    • #7
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:37 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:37 PM
    Ok I think I'm going to deal with one post in particular and then respond to the rest...

    I'm going to be brutally honest here. Why do you keep insisting that you are strong and invulnerable, when you clearly are not? Seriously. If I am confused about that, don't you think your employers may be also? You are sending very mixed messages, even here.
    Originally posted by sangie595
    I suppose the main thing for me is that with words I am incredibly thick skinned and confident. However the issue with this client is that it became unwanted physical contact. That I cannot and will not deal with in a professional setting. Can I be honest? If this had happened in any other scenario I would have lamped the guy in the face and given him his marching orders. I've done it before socially and I could do it again. But this wasn't the case. I was in a new job with an unknown person to me and I didn't feel I had that authority. He knew that. He knew he could do and say whatever he wanted. He said many inappropriate things to me that I brushed off before the physical contact.

    I will say as an aside, we had other clients there that spoke to him and two of them walked out in outrage at his behaviour. But they never have to see him again.

    Did you very clearly say that you aren't taking the new job offered? Because I can't see that here. If I can't see it, did your employers see it? If they didn't, that might explain their advertising your job!
    Originally posted by sangie595
    I made it very clear that I did not want my colleague's job. I don't understand how that explains them advertising my position when I am not the one who has handed their notice in? Don't get me wrong, I would understand it more if they advertised my job alongside my colleague's position, but that hasn't happened. They have only advertised my job.

    And I'm sorry, but you cannot dictate to your employers who can and cannot enter the building. You chose, two years ago, to tell them that you didn't want them to terminate their relationship with the client. Your can't now drag it all up again and say that the person can't even set foot in the same building as you.
    Originally posted by sangie595
    I totally get that. It is their business and their choice. I wouldn't have had any expectations going forward if it was not something that they had promised me. I wish they had been honest about it at the time and then I could have made an informed decision in my probation period.

    Same thing with the appointment. You OFFERED to schedule the appointment for Monday - they didn't force toy to do anything.
    Originally posted by sangie595
    Sorry, I don't understand that. I didn't offer anything.

    I'm sorry, but you aren't going to like this either. You are not strong here. There is something wrong. I fully understand that what you say happened was true. But your reaction now is not realistic. There is something wrong. I think possibly some sort of traumatic disorder perhaps. Whatever your boss may be like, the fact is that you have survived it very well for two years. So well that they offered you a promotion! Employers don't do that because you aren't valued. If they want you gone, they'll do something more effective than to promote you.
    Originally posted by sangie595
    I don't know what you mean by there being something wrong, but for me the difference is verbal and physical. I can handle words. He said many things to me that evening which were not acceptable but I tolerated it. I cannot handled strangers physically intimidating me when they know they are in a position of power and that I cannot call out.

    I suspect this incident a couple of years ago has impacted on you much more than you believed. And you may need professional help to deal with that. That isn't a weakneas. But you are going to have to ask for help. Talk to your doctor about it and see if they can refer you.
    Originally posted by sangie595
    I've already had much therapy in my life due to other matters. Thank you for the concern though.

    I really am not seeing your employers having a problem with you. I am seeing them confused, yes. Honestly, that is not surprising. Your post is confusing too. There's nothing bad about needing some help to deal with what happened. But don't let that ruin your career. You are obviously doing very well, and your employers recognise that. Don't let that man dictate your life now, or you will just be a victim. You can obviously be more than that, and you want to be. So do it. You obviously can. And you don't have to do it alone.
    Originally posted by sangie595
    I would never have stayed if they had told me this guy would have been welcome into the office at a later stage and I had X amount of months to get over it. I don't understand the confusion you are feeling but maybe it's a flaw in my written explanation. Sorry about that.
    Last edited by hec2308; 09-10-2016 at 9:39 PM.
    • hec2308
    • By hec2308 9th Oct 16, 9:44 PM
    • 68 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    hec2308
    • #8
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:44 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:44 PM
    It sounds like they think you laid down an ultimatum over the client and they are calling your bluff on it. Whilst I can understand that you are upset, I'm not sure there is an easy way back from all this.

    What do you want to happen now given that they aren't any longer going to give you your wish over the client being kept away from the office? If you want to leave over it, you may be able to negotiate an early exit and pay in lieu of notice. If you want to stay until you have found another job, you may need to be prepared to weather a chilly atmosphere for a while.
    Originally posted by Nicki
    I totally understand that there is no easy way back and I didn't expect one as soon as I was honest. I just didn't feel comfortable accepting a new position and a pay rise knowing that I was going to job hunt. I would have felt very deceptive.

    I'm prepared for a chilly atmosphere. I just hope that as they are interviewing for my job that they may let me go and not make it a case of "we don't want you but no one else can have you"
    • hec2308
    • By hec2308 9th Oct 16, 9:50 PM
    • 68 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    hec2308
    • #9
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:50 PM
    • #9
    • 9th Oct 16, 9:50 PM
    You misunderstand the role of HR. They are there to support the needs of the business, their default position will be to minimise damage to the business and its senior workers, not to hold the hand of the complaining employee.

    The OP is not being strong, quite the opposite. That's not a criticism, there is no reason that she should be in such a situation. But she does need to be honest with herself. I would recommend she speaks with her GP about a counselling referral or contacts a relevant charity that may be able to offer more specialised counselling.
    Originally posted by Bogalot
    I haven't gone to HR and I get why,

    I am very strong. I just don't deal with physical stuff and don't see why I should have to. I'm genuinely shocked at this response. I have been very strong for 2 years based on promises that were made to me by my bosses. These promises have now been rescinded. I have been to CBT therapy in the past, and my GP knows me and my entire family very well. If she felt I needed further therapy due to this incident (which I do not, I know exactly how to deal with cretins like this in day to day life) she would have been the first to push me to it.
    Last edited by hec2308; 09-10-2016 at 9:53 PM.
    • sangie595
    • By sangie595 9th Oct 16, 10:19 PM
    • 2,735 Posts
    • 4,276 Thanks
    sangie595
    I'm just going to come back on these points. Then if you don't want any of the advice being given (you haven't seen any advice that you haven't disagreed with) then I am just going to accept that there isn't likely to be anything that will make you feel better about this.

    Ok I think I'm going to deal with one post in particular and then respond to the rest...



    I suppose the main thing for me is that with words I am incredibly thick skinned and confident. However the issue with this client is that it became unwanted physical contact. That I cannot and will not deal with in a professional setting. Can I be honest? If this had happened in any other scenario I would have lamped the guy in the face and given him his marching orders. I've done it before socially and I could do it again. But this wasn't the case. I was in a new job with an unknown person to me and I didn't feel I had that authority. He knew that. He knew he could do and say whatever he wanted. He said many inappropriate things to me that I brushed off before the physical contact.

    And maybe in any other situation you would have dealt with it. But you didn't in this one. And that is obviously still bothering you. How do I know that? Because of the way you are acting here. It is unfinished business for you. And I totally get why that is. But this is over two years later and you are demanding that your employer don't even let him in the same building as you are in. That isn't finished business. For whatever reason you chose to say that the matter was ended if you didn't have to see him again. You don't have to see him simply because he is in the building. But you told your employers not to take any action at the time. Despite the fact that they said they would. So it is finished business from their point of view. It isn't reasonable of you to say he can't set foot in the building two years later if you refused to take it any further then.

    I will say as an aside, we had other clients there that spoke to him and two of them walked out in outrage at his behaviour. But they never have to see him again.
    And nobody has said you must either.


    I made it very clear that I did not want my colleague's job. I don't understand how that explains them advertising my position when I am not the one who has handed their notice in? Don't get me wrong, I would understand it more if they advertised my job alongside my colleague's position, but that hasn't happened. They have only advertised my job.
    Perhaps because they didn't think you had refused the promotion? What you said here is "I said that I would not want to do the exams involved with this promotion hoping that would be sufficient enough but my boss then said that I would not be expected to do the exams. So I had no excuses left." That doesn't sound like a refusal to me.


    I totally get that. It is their business and their choice. I wouldn't have had any expectations going forward if it was not something that they had promised me. I wish they had been honest about it at the time and then I could have made an informed decision in my probation period. The promised you that you wouldn't have to see him or have contact with him. They didn't promise you that he would never set foot in their building. He's a client. They have to deal with him. He is still a client because you told them not to terminate the contract with him. You can't now turn around and say that they shouldn't treat him like a client.



    Sorry, I don't understand that. I didn't offer anything.
    Yes you did. In your words "I spoke to my manager about it and said that I would schedule an appointment for Monday (tomorrow) instead"


    I don't know what you mean by there being something wrong, but for me the difference is verbal and physical. I can handle words. He said many things to me that evening which were not acceptable but I tolerated it. I cannot handled strangers physically intimidating me when they know they are in a position of power and that I cannot call out.
    But you did call it out. And your employers dealt with it. They did so according to your stated wishes. If you had wanted him gone as a client, you had the opportunity to say so. That choice was offered. You refused it.


    I've already had much therapy in my life due to other matters. Thank you for the concern though.



    I would never have stayed if they had told me this guy would have been welcome into the office at a later stage and I had X amount of months to get over it. I don't understand the confusion you are feeling but maybe it's a flaw in my written explanation. Sorry about that.
    Originally posted by hec2308
    Much as I would not wish to meet the guy, unless it was to thump him, the fact is that there is no reason at all why they shouldn't meet with their client in their offices. You had a chance to say that you wanted him gone as a client. You didn't. The reason you didn't doesn't now matter. He is a client, and they have to treat him as such. They haven't broken any promises. They never promised that he wouldn't set foot in the offices again. They promised you wouldn't have to deal with him, and nothing you have said here suggests that you will have to deal with him.

    I'm sorry you have been through this experience, but if you wanted to ensure that he couldn't have further dealings with the company, then you should have agreed to let them terminate the contract with him. Since you didn't, they are treating him like the client he is.

    I understand if you cannot work there any more as a result of this, but I am not understanding why you think your employers have done something wrong?
    • steampowered
    • By steampowered 9th Oct 16, 10:59 PM
    • 531 Posts
    • 464 Thanks
    steampowered
    It sounds to me like you will be much happier working somewhere else. It sounds like your current job comes with far too much baggage.

    You are only 27, there are lots of other places where you can work as a PA. In fact I think it is a good thing for people to move around a bit and gain experience with different employers. Personally I would start searching for another role.
    • asajj
    • By asajj 10th Oct 16, 12:57 AM
    • 3,692 Posts
    • 8,098 Thanks
    asajj

    I am very strong. I just don't deal with physical stuff and don't see why I should have to. I'm genuinely shocked at this response. I have been very strong for 2 years based on promises that were made to me by my bosses.
    Originally posted by hec2308
    I appreciate that you feel strong and confident and this is a great attitude towards life however when you keep pressing on that point, especially when no one is disputing the fact, it feels the opposite.

    You say, they are advertising your job and like sangie595, I wasn't sure whether you clearly rejected the job offer because you had no excuses left after they said exams were not required and that was it.

    Also, I don't think it is uncommon management will have meetings about employees if they think there is a problem ( i again appreciate, you might not be a problem but they may feel differently) so don't work yourself up about secret meetings!

    We all have been a good employee but not valued accordingly at some point in our lives. Yes ,it is sad when it happens but it is also how things work at times. Again, many learnt hard way, the loyalty or honesty don't pay at times.

    So, how have they been contacting with him over the last 2 years? Had meetings somewhere else? Perhaps, there was a pressing matter this time and they couldn't arrange it anywhere else? Do you think the director did it on purpose to disturb you?

    The question is, what are you trying to achieve or understand? Do you want an apology from them and that they will keep their promise about the client so you can continue to work for them? If not, you will just leave and find another job.
    £2015 in 2015 / £2015

    No buying unnecessary stuff.
    Clearing out by selling on Ebay, donating to charity etc.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 10th Oct 16, 8:15 AM
    • 26,254 Posts
    • 15,792 Thanks
    getmore4less
    I was in a new job with an unknown person to me and I didn't feel I had that authority. He knew that. He knew he could do and say whatever he wanted. He said many inappropriate things to me that I brushed off before the physical contact.

    I will say as an aside, we had other clients there that spoke to him and two of them walked out in outrage at his behaviour. But they never have to see him again.
    Originally posted by hec2308
    Were they witnesses to the act?
    can you remember who they were and get witness statements?

    consider going to the police if it was that serious.
    • hec2308
    • By hec2308 10th Oct 16, 8:37 AM
    • 68 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    hec2308
    I appreciate that you feel strong and confident and this is a great attitude towards life however when you keep pressing on that point, especially when no one is disputing the fact, it feels the opposite.
    Originally posted by asajj
    Apologies, I've only reiterated that fact as I believe a couple of different people on here have told me that I'm fragile and need some sort of therapy because of it, which isn't the case. I won't mention it again

    Maybe I'm totally in the wrong then. I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest, I just didn't expect to get caught in this sort of trap-like situation here where I've become enemy number one in the office and am being regarded with utmost suspicion. It just feels like whatever choice I make here it will be wrong. Maybe it's one of those cases of "you have to be here" to feel it, maybe it's all in my head. Who knows.

    I just came on here as I wondered if anyone had ever been in a similar position and had any suggestions as to how I should handle myself and what I should do. I definitely just want a clean slate now and I wish that this situation hadn't been taken so personally by the bosses. I'm not trying to hinder what they do. I find it easiest to remove myself from the equation if I am the problem.

    Thank you for the responses.
    • YouAsked
    • By YouAsked 10th Oct 16, 10:07 AM
    • 95 Posts
    • 105 Thanks
    YouAsked
    On the Friday morning my manager (who is lovely but inept as an authoritative person) took me downstairs and said that he had been called by the director I specifically work for and told that they were very angry with me. They were horrified that I felt able in my position to tell them where they could have meetings and who with, and that they intended to have a formal meeting with me about it.

    I was honest. I said that I was unhappy about the inappropriate client situation. I was essentially told to get over it and that I had imagined their angry response in my head. Obviously he did not know that my manager had told me that they were angry with me and my manager did not speak up in this meeting. I kept my mouth shut to spare him.
    Originally posted by hec2308
    So your manager is ineffectual. You know this. Yet you believe the message you got from him?
    Then in a meeting he chose not to clarify why you may have been feeling how you were? I'd suggest taking anything he says with a pinch of salt.
    • hec2308
    • By hec2308 10th Oct 16, 10:14 AM
    • 68 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    hec2308
    So your manager is ineffectual. You know this. Yet you believe the message you got from him?
    Then in a meeting he chose not to clarify why you may have been feeling how you were? I'd suggest taking anything he says with a pinch of salt.
    Originally posted by YouAsked
    He is not great at being a manager but he is not a liar. I am much more inclined to believe him over a boss who has altered my emails to get himself out of trouble and who I have watched lie to others with ease.

    My boss is very intimidating and at times bordering on scary. I understand my manager's silence and don't really blame him although it did not help my situation. My life would probably be a bit less stressful right now if I had maintained that same silence.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 10th Oct 16, 11:37 AM
    • 4,845 Posts
    • 6,357 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    I'm a little conused by the situation with your and your colleguae's jobs, but so far as tis cocnered, I would suggest an e-mail to your manager cc'd to the director who you had the meeting with.

    Something along the lines of:

    "I was very surprised o see that you have advertised my job. As I explained in our meting on [date], while I am flattered by your offer of a promotion to [collegue's job] i don't feel able to accept, and wish to continue in my current role.

    I presume that the advert was an error and should have related to [colleague's job] but wanted to bring it to your attention and to clarify the postion regarding your offer of the promotion to me, in case this was unclear"

    Do far as the assult is concerned, I would suggest that saying you canot have direct contact with this indiidual or e in metings with him s fine, saying ou can't be in the same building, much less so. However, agaihn , I'd suggest tgat you put something in writing with HR. Something like

    RE [Name of client]
    As you will be aware, on [date of party] I was assulted by [client]. I reported this at the time and also made clear that I was not seeking to emand that [firm] should refuse him as a lcient in future. However, in light iof the assault, I did speak to [dircector] who gave me assurances that if [client] continued to usethe firm, that I would not be required to be present in any meetings with [client] not to have any other contact with him.
    I was concered to be told by [manager's name] on [date] that the directors were "very angry" with me and they thy felt I have tried to tell them who to have on the premises. I belive that their may have been a miscommunication and that manager had perhaps been unaware of, or had forgottem, the assurances given by [director] that I would not be expected to imeet or interact with [client]. I would be grateful if the position could bne clarifuied with Manager and if ou could confirm that the Directors are aware of the situation and that the assuarancves given to me that I would not be required to meet or work with [client] remain in place"

    That way, you are creatinga record of your understanding of the idffernet concersatins and interactions, so if others remenber things differently they can say so, and can clarify with you wat their expectations and understnaig is.

    It soundsto m aas though they understood that you would accept the promotion provided that you were not required to take the exams, so the fact that they are advertising your job and not the more senir one wpould make sense.
    • Bogalot
    • By Bogalot 10th Oct 16, 12:00 PM
    • 319 Posts
    • 1,041 Thanks
    Bogalot
    I haven't gone to HR and I get why,

    I am very strong. I just don't deal with physical stuff and don't see why I should have to. I'm genuinely shocked at this response. I have been very strong for 2 years based on promises that were made to me by my bosses. These promises have now been rescinded. I have been to CBT therapy in the past, and my GP knows me and my entire family very well. If she felt I needed further therapy due to this incident (which I do not, I know exactly how to deal with cretins like this in day to day life) she would have been the first to push me to it.
    Originally posted by hec2308
    There are many different types of therapy. CBT can be very effective in giving you the tools to deal with difficult situations, but sometimes it can also be beneficial just to talk things through. This is what I was suggesting, a few sessions where you have a safe space to talk about how you are feeling.

    I'm not suggesting you don't know how to deal with cretins like this man, but this is not about the incident itself but how it has continued to make you feel. This is about dealing with your own demons, which often can eat us up more than the incident itself.

    On a practical point, can you arrange to work from home when this man will be visiting? I'm not convinced that your employer intended this to be a lifelong ban from him coming to your premises, but rather that the situation needed a period of time for things to die down. They should have spoken to you in advance of arranging the meeting, but as that was overlooked you now need to decide how you wish to handle the situation (practically and emotionally) going forward.
    Last edited by Bogalot; 10-10-2016 at 12:03 PM.
    • steampowered
    • By steampowered 10th Oct 16, 1:16 PM
    • 531 Posts
    • 464 Thanks
    steampowered
    Apologies, I've only reiterated that fact as I believe a couple of different people on here have told me that I'm fragile and need some sort of therapy because of it, which isn't the case. I won't mention it again
    Originally posted by hec2308
    I think you are wrong to suggest that seeking help, assistance or therapy would be a sign of weakness. It is not. We are all human at the end of the day.

    Everyone needs help sometimes. Asking for help is a sign of strength as you are proactively dealing with issues. That is much better than failing to deal with an issue and letting it fester.

    At the end of the day we are talking about an issue that occurred at a party 2.5 years ago. You do need to work out a way of moving on from this. Personally it sounds to me like that may involve moving jobs to work someplace where you are going to be happy.

    Seeking another job, at the appropriate time, is a sign of strength not a sign of weakness. At the end of the day you have to think would you be happy working for this organisation in a year's time? 2 years' time? 10 years' time? There are lots of excellent opportunities out there if you search for them.
    Last edited by steampowered; 10-10-2016 at 1:18 PM.
    • Takeaway_Addict
    • By Takeaway_Addict 10th Oct 16, 2:40 PM
    • 5,389 Posts
    • 6,084 Thanks
    Takeaway_Addict
    Surely OP the best thing would be to find a new job and start afresh?

    Whatever you do there is no quick answer to your issues and for everyones health moving on is probably more productive
    Don't trust a forum for advice. Get proper paid advice. Any advice given should always be checked
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