Do I need to tell my wife any more details?

midlander81 · 30 July 2014 at 7:17AM

Hey,

I am in real turmoil at the moment. We are currently working hard to clear out debts. Most of the debts are in my name and my wife has a smaller amount in her name. I look after the money and sort out the repayment etc.

Our current joint debt is around the 40K mark although 30kish of this is in my name. We don't have any issues paying the debt back as our income is decent ( joint income of about 68k this year) but I constantly worry about the level of our debt and that I should be more open with my wife about it.

I guess I have shielded her from the true extent of our debt and it's really hard for me to sit her down and show her everything that we owe. I have tried to bring it up a couple of times and I have made comments such as "I'll be happy when we owe under 30K" so she has a general idea of the sort of debt level that we are working with.

She has also told me that she doesn't need to know exact amounts etc and that she is happy for me to carry on dealing with it ( she contributes financially of course!!).

She tends to be a bit of a worrier and I guess I don't want her to stress over it.

Do you think I need to say anymore or just get on with it and deal with it?

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply!

[threadbanner]box[/threadbanner]

whitewing · 30 July 2014 at 7:24AM

I would want my DH to talk to me about anything that was really worrying him.

If he was confident about handling things, then I wouldn't mind just very general info.

I think at the very least you both need to understand why you got into debt.

This situation to me is something that you do both need to deal with. I think it is unfair for one person to put their fingers in their ears about it.

midlander81 · 30 July 2014 at 7:28AM

Thanks for the reply. We got into debt due to maternity leave, wedding and general overspending etc. I think that we both know why we are in this situation. I am being really careful and organised with the repayment plan and she seems happy. She never really asks about the debt.

Monkeyballs · 30 July 2014 at 7:29AM

Hi Midlander,

I guess it depends on what you are looking to achieve? If she knows it's above £30k then probably thinks it's mid/high £30k's as opposed to £40,50,60k etc.

If you think that you both need to tighten your belts to get the numbers down then I'd recommend having the conversation as she needs to know the state of your accounts and to maybe not be as free and easy with your money and discuss a budget between yourselves.

If you just think she is being too blase then again, have the conversation.

If you feel think she should know even though you don't want or expect her to do anything differently then I' not worry, just carry on as is if she seems happy enough...

My guess is that you'd rather tell her so it's a worry shared? If that's the case then why not post up an SOA and folk on this site can make some suggestions and then you'll be in a stringer position to tell her?

MB of G

midlander81 · 30 July 2014 at 7:32AM

Thanks Monkeyballs. I don't want her to do anything differently. We are both tightening our belts so I don't think that she can actually do anything else.

saraih · 30 July 2014 at 8:05AM

If you are happy to manage it and she isn't interested then do what you feel is best, unless she needs to adjust her outgoings.

I know a lot of people are happy for their OH to deal with money but are you prepared if something happens and she doesn't have a clue in a period of bereavement or illness? do you have it all neatly filed with instructions?

It sounds like you got there with the help of large one off life events, so you could be fine. If it ever gets overwhelming though, you must try to share the load. My OH hid everything from me until it became impossible and he was suicidal - this was devastating for all of us, much more than any amount of money could ever be. Don't get into the habit of taking all the strain if there's a chance it could tip over into the bad kind of debt.

midlander81 · 30 July 2014 at 8:11AM

Thanks Sarah,

I know that we can repay it within 3 years it's just difficult and for some reason I feel guilty about it!!

Marisco · 30 July 2014 at 8:26AM

I'm a firm believer in "if it ain't broke, don't mend it"!! If you are both happy with things the way they are, then why rock the boat? You both seem to be pulling in the same direction, it's when one doesn't think the situation is serious or refuses to reign in the spending, that the soft stuff hits the fan.

So long as your wife knows where all the paperwork is, and what to do in case of emergencies, then I wouldn't bother too much if she is happy for you to carry on with it. I take care of all financial matters in our house, oh's ex wife left him in awful debt through her spending what they never had!! I sorted it all out and now take care of finances, he's happy with it, I'm happy with it............happy days!!

midlander81 · 30 July 2014 at 8:42AM

Thanks Marisco

Fortunately we have got policies in place that would cover all of the debt and leave a significant amount if something were to happen to either of us so I am happy with that.

I think that I am going to try to relax a little and perhaps drop in the odd comment " I'm pleased that we owe under 30K now) etc and then answer any questions that this might prompt.

I don't know why I am so incapable of talking openly about it- we talk about everything else but when it comes to debt it worries me to death and I feel that I have in some way let her and my son down by not being more financially responsible.

Fridge03 · 30 July 2014 at 8:48AM

I buried my head in the sand for years. Kept my debts secret from my family and most importantly, other half.

Because I didn't want them to know and ask them for help, I'd borrow more to cover it up. I felt a disappointment, a let down, shamed and didn't want my family to know. Eventually, I couldn't hide the letters and worry any more so I was upfront with them.
Now I look back, it was stupid for me to ever worry as all they want to do is help and have been so supportive.

I think, being honest and upfront about debt is so important not only so people can help you but for your own sanity. It's the first step towards dealing with it.

in_need_of_direction · 30 July 2014 at 8:51AM

First off, you haven't let anyone down so don't beat yourself up. My take is that I'd hate for my oh to be worrying about our debt and yet not discussing it with me. He's the type who goes quiet when he's anxious which, over a long period, could cause issues for us relationship wise. Not being flippant but it's only money. You know the coping mechanisms you and your wife have so can make a judgement but I would say, as a minimum, she needs to hear periodic updates and definitely any good news stories.

Do I need to tell my wife any more details?

Comments

Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply

🚀 Getting Started

Categories

Is this how you want to be seen?

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free